Thanks, hon. Hey everybody, I'm Kip Romano, and I'm here today to make a shout-out request to all you One Day readers. I'm a collector of sorts and I'm currently looking for two things: The "Iraqi War Criminals" Deck of Playing Cards, and an American flag with a picture of Rocky Balboa on it. See, I read in the paper where American servicemen have been issued decks of playing cards with pictures of Iraqi war criminals on them you know, like Saddam, his minister of information Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, and that "Chemical Ali" guy. Anyway I WANT A DECK OF THOSE CARDS. Oh, and I also saw some video footage on CNN of these freed Iraqi guys waving around a big American flag with Rocky Balboa's picture on it. I WANT THAT, TOO. So, like, if you know any Army guys stationed over there who want to send me their cards, or maybe liberate that flag away from the Iraqi guys, I'd pay good money for both of them. (Oh, and you don't have to steal the flag, just get me those Iraqi dudes' address and I'll send 'em some porn or something.) Contact me, that's Kip Romano, via this paper or email@example.com. Thanks a lot, and I'll pass it back over to my wife, Ann Romano. SACRAMENTO KINGS FUCKING RULE!!!
Ohhhhh-kay. We also have a request to make: Peter Arnett, if you're out there, could you give us a ring? We're thinking we may need to find a new job soon.
TUESDAY, APRIL 8
Remember former POW Jessica Lynch? That poor 19-year-old Army supply clerk who took a wrong turn and wound up hospitalized and imprisoned by Iraqi troops? Well, she's finally got reason to celebrate--no, silly, not from being rescued she's the new Hollywood "It" Girl! NBC announced today it's developing a two-hour made-for-TV movie based on Lynch's capture and the heroic rescue that got her home--the only thing the network needs now is Lynch's permission. It seems the recovering soldier has been overwhelmed with movie, article, and book offers since returning home, and everybody wants a piece of the Private's pie. Nevertheless, NBC is determined to get it first--even if they have to make up the story themselves. "The story is Mission: Impossible, but it's real!" gushed an NBC insider to Daily Variety. "It's uplifting, heroic, compelling and dramatic." And since the rest of Lynch's outfit was most likely captured and executed, it's also tasteless, manipulative, and greedy. But, hey. Who are we to stop Winona Ryder from getting work?
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 9
Today was Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Janeane Garofalo and Michael Moore's worst nightmare: Iraqi citizens being liberated and loving it. Saddam Hussein's rule over Baghdad came crashing down today as American troops swarmed the city and toppled a huge statue of the former dictator. Though God forbid we should ever start a war for humanitarian reasons, it was truly gratifying to see Iraqi citizens rejoicing in the streets and appearing tremendously relieved to be out from under the thumb of the dictator who had harassed and terrorized them for 24 years. And while most of the Bush administration did a tremendous job of keeping their smirks to a bare minimum, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was unable to contain his crows of triumphant glee. "Saddam Hussein is now taking his rightful place alongside Hitler, Stalin, Lenin, Ceausescu in the pantheon of failed brutal dictators," Rumsfeld bragged. Afterwards he added, "I, on the other hand, will now be taking my rightful place in the jacuzzi next to two sweet, sweet bitches and a bottle of Cristal."
THURSDAY, APRIL 10
In a moment that probably scared the crap out of the recently freed populace, President Bush addressed the Iraqi people today on his very own brand-new, recently captured TV station he's calling "Towards Freedom." (Sure, it may be a stupid name, but it's already beating UPN in the ratings.) "The nightmare that Saddam Hussein has brought to your nation will soon be over," Bush said with the help of Arabic subtitles. He then went on to assure the conquered country that those guys with the guns and laser-sighted bombs are actually "friends and liberators, not your conquerors." Apparently, this greatly soothed the jittery, beleaguered citizens, many of whom immediately began looting buildings, setting fires, and hacking traitors up with swords. Literally gutting government buildings in Baghdad, looters have been carrying off everything from air conditioners, flowers, and rolling office chairs. Late in the day, the Finance Ministry erupted in flames. And in a particularly shocking instance, a furious mob viciously attacked two clerics (one of whom had ties to Saddam Hussein) in one of Shiite Islam's holiest shrines and hacked them to death with swords and knives. Maybe now Bush is thinking he should've just shown that repeat of Seinfeld.
FRIDAY, APRIL 11
Today our hubby Kip's boyhood dream of visiting the Baseball Hall of Fame was ground to bloody viscous underneath the heel of human nature. It seems that HOF president Dale Petroskey has canceled the 15th Anniversary celebration of Bull Durham at the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, N.Y., because stars Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon have gone all Martin Sheen about the war in Iraq. We found Kip--who had already hunted and pecked Petroskey an invective-laden email--poignantly pensive at his Ikea hutch desk, staring plaintively at his 1989 World Series mug. He nearly weepingly announced he would NEVER visit a Hall of Fame in which politics ruled over the art of sport, nor would he EVER chew tobacco again now matter HOW cool it was, which is, incidentally, exactly how we felt when Nancy Kerrigan retired from ice skating. Kip, honey? If you're reading this, come out of the bathroom, or at least rattle the doorknob so we'll know you're still alive.
SATURDAY, APRIL 12
Remember last month when the French found those bottles of mysterious powder at a Paris train station which turned out to be--sacre coeur!--the deadly poison ricin? Everyone got so out of sorts that they kept their poodles in for DAYS. Well, today The New York Times reported that "the deadly poison ricin" was in actuality ground WHEAT GERM AND BARLEY. Apparently "wheat germ consists of protein whose structure is similar to that of ricin." It was only after further testing that the truth became clear. Unlike ricin, wheat germ does not cause severe and rapid bleeding to the stomach and intestines when added to the food of a victim--except in very extreme cases. Of course, the French still have not admitted they were wrong, and are currently investigating the possibility the powder is part of a terrorist cell scheme dreamt up by vegan hippies.
SUNDAY, APRIL 13
Take THAT, NBC! The seven POWs held in Iraq were released today, and THEIR story is going to be SEVEN TIMES more dramatic than Jessica Lynch's. By the looks of their clothing, the POWs had been forced to have a 22-day PAJAMA PARTY, which we're pretty sure constitutes as torture under the Geneva Convention. In any case, they are all fine and their families and friends feel really good and the whole thing has positively reaffirmed our belief in the fact that people will, if given a chance, do good. In other news, The Associated Press reported today that a NYC bouncer was fatally stabbed after he asked two patrons to put out their cigarettes.