TUESDAY, APRIL 29
Democracy came to Iraq today when U.S. paratroopers fired on anti-American protesters, wounding 75 and killing 13. The shooting was the third such scuffle between protesters and American soldiers in two weeks, which would seem to imply that maybe just maybe many of the Iraqi people don't want us there! That's crazy talk, though right? We mean okay we came in dropping tons of bombs, but that was to stop the undeniable hidden cache of weapons of mass destruction! Which, okay, haven't been found yet. But they did find a barrel this week! And it did contain stinky stuff which could contain a deadly nerve agent! Oh, all right. It didn't contain a nerve agent. But it did contain rocket fuel, which could be extremely dangerous in the hands of a monkey with a book of matches. But the point is this: America is a great place, and we normally don't shoot protesters with guns. So why can't these people just give democracy a chance?
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30
Hustler head honcho Larry Flynt is on the lookout for nude photos of Barbara Bush. Nooooo, not that Barbara Bush, silly. The First Daughter Barbara Bush. According to the New York Post, Flynt is hot on the trail of a supposed videotape which features the bush of young Bush at a drunky Yale nudie party. Apparently these kids have enough time away from their studies to engage in such frivolities. Regardless, Flynt is currently in talks with a student who claims to be a buddy of the guy who actually shot the alleged video, and offered the kid a cool one million smackers for the footage. That would buy a lot of kegs--or a lot of bullets in the head from the Secret Service. Sidebar! Did you know that when U.S. troops raided the bachelor palace of Saddam Hussein's son Uday, they found fully-clothed pix of the Bush twins on the wall next to a bunch of porno pictures downloaded from the internet? See? These girls may have a career ahead of them yet!
THURSDAY, MAY 1
Thousands of Republicans creamed their pants today when President George W. Bush flew down from the heavens in a Navy jet, coming to a screeching stop onboard the carrier USS Abraham Lincoln. And like a macho Moses dressed in a green flight suit, he emerged from the throbbing war plane with a message for his people: "Major combat operations in Iraq have ended." While he stopped short of screaming, "Yee-HAW! We shore did kick the asses of them there towel-heads! Run rabbit run!" his intention was to bring some sort of closure to the month-long war. "This much is certain," Bush proclaimed to a cheering crowd, "No terrorist network will gain weapons of mass destruction from the Iraqi regime because that regime is no more." After slapping high fives with most of the crew, the President was surprised by a visit from French President Jacques Chirac (whose codename is "Iceman"), who also flew in by fighter jet. "Maverick!" he yelled from across the deck, calling Bush by his Navy call sign. "I still think you're dangerous but you can be my wingman anytime!" The two world leaders hugged, and then left to make sweet, sweet love to Kelly McGillis.
FRIDAY, MAY 2
His arm was pinned under a boulder. His water bottle was empty. He had neglected to tell his roommate where he was hiking. So, Aron Ralston did what anyone rational person would, given the situation: he took out his pocketknife and sawed off his arm below the elbow. Then he rappelled 60 feet to the canyon floor and hiked five miles until he was spotted by a search team. Co-workers had alerted rescue workers just that morning saying he hadn't shown up for work all week at the local mountaineering store. Today, Ralston was recovering from surgery in Colorado. Rescuers returned to the canyon to try to retrieve the amputated limb; they saw it, but couldn't budge the boulder. Ralston has a double major in French and mechanical engineering and a minor in (ouch) performance piano.
SATURDAY, MAY 3
Who would try to poison a bunch of people in a church? What kind of MADMAN would introduce violent death into a religious social? That's exactly what FBI agents and behavioral scientists want to know! That's why they will help construct a profile of the person or persons responsible for the arsenic poisonings that killed one and sickened 15 who drank tainted (and nasty tasting) coffee at a church in New Sweden, Maine. Investigators tell us they are examining a "number of theories." Who has motive, and access? A departmental spokesman said today that investigators are currently looking for God, but was quick to caution that God is not a suspect at this time. The Almighty is simply wanted in connection with the case and is being considered a "person with knowledge." If you see God, you better tell him to hightail it to Cancun.
SUNDAY, MAY 4
Speaking of God, Leo DiCaprio is finally going to court to face a $45 million lawsuit stemming from an alleged rumble over Saved-by-the-Bell-Showgirl Elizabeth Berkley. Berkley's ex-crusty-daddy-boyfriend Roger Wilson, age 45, claims that five years ago Leo ordered his posse to beat him up after Wilson politely requested that Leo stop making moves on his then-filly. According to Wilson, as DiCaprio looked on, he was flanked by eight men and one hobbit and was struck with a "blind-side blow to his throat" by an unknown attacker that "severely damaged" his larynx. Wilson, who starred in two Porky's movies, is claiming the ass-whooping ruined a promising singing career. He also claims that Leo stole his role in Titanic.