TUESDAY, MAY 13
Whoop-dee-doo, it's time once again to melt away the years by taking another trip in the Hollywood Gossip Time Machine! This time we're traveling way, way back to the swinging '60s to take a saucy sneaky-peek at the sordid sex lives of former Prez John F. Kennedy and crooner Frank Sinatra. According to the new Kennedy biography An Unfinished Life by Robert Dallek, Kennedy was not unlike our own lotharious Bill Clinton in his taste for White House interns. The book asserts that a then 19-year-old intern by the name of Marion "Mimi" Fahnestock had a "special relationship with the president," and her only apparent skill was "to provide sexual release for JFK." After learning the cat was out of the bag, the now 60-year-old Mimi, who's an administrator for a Presbyterian church, fessed up in a press release. "From June 1962 to November 1963, I was involved in a sexual relationship with President Kennedy," Mimi wrote, but she refused to elaborate on the affair, or whether she gets her dresses drycleaned at the same place as Monica Lewinsky. Meanwhile! In another tongue-waggy tell-all called Mr. S.: My Life with Frank Sinatra, the valet of Old Blue Eyes, George Jacobs, really spills the beans on the former President, according to the New York Post. He claims to have seen JFK snorting lines of coke with film star Peter Lawford, as well as witnessing JFK's pappy Joe Kennedy at fancy-pants Palm Beach parties whooping it up with hookers. As for his blue-eyed boss, Jacobs reports that Frankie was a "a neat freak who showered and changed clothes four times a day," "wore a good-luck toupee on opening nights," and "concealed an enormous penis by wearing custom-made underwear." That last part sounds exactly like our hubby Kip--except for the stuff about the "enormous penis" and the fact he hasn't purchased a new pair of underpants in three years.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 14
It would appear that President Bush is attempting to bring a very special brand of democracy to Iraq--"Texas-style!" According to the occasional bald-face liars at the New York Times, the new U.S. administrator to Iraq, L. Paul Bremer, is instructing soldiers to shoot looters on sight. In a closed meeting with senior staff members, Bremer was said to be eager to hire more cops, as well as ban Baath Party members from achieving high-ranking posts in the new government. But a big problem in post-war Baghdad is the incessant looting, and according to an official who attended the meeting, "[The soldiers] are going to start shooting a few looters so that word gets around." However, military officials are denying the report--kind of. Maj. Gen. Buford Blount III (which is a real name and not the kind that's often made up in the New York Times) told reporters, "We are aggressively targeting looters, but we're not going to go out and shoot children that are picking up a piece of wood out of a factory." Wow! With inspirational quotes like that, Iraq is going to have the greatest democracy ever!
THURSDAY, MAY 15
While it is generally not the policy of One Day at a Time to celebrate the pain and suffering of others, it is nonetheless hilarious that the Los Angeles Lakers lost their bid tonight for the Western conference semifinals to the San Antonio Spurs by a knockout score of 110-82. The formerly cocky, three-time champs left the court in tears after their defeat, wondering why God had decided to punish them in such a humiliating manner. "I don't like this feeling, I hate this feeling, I really do," cried the hugely overrated Kobe Bryant, prior to having his diaper changed. "I don't ever want to feel it again." Teammate Robert Horry echoed Bryant's sudden appearance of "feelings," claiming, "I felt like I let everybody down. I just flat-out stunk." Number one Lakers fan Jack Nicholson also took a moment to express his emotions over the loss, by using his golf clubs to knock out the headlights of Shaq's Mazerati. Better luck next year, chumps. And lest we forget? Ha. Ha. Ha.
FRIDAY, MAY 16
The Associated Press reported today that little-known Republican George W. Bush has filed his formal intention to run for President of the United States. The candidate, a born-again Texan with a string of failed businesses behind him, poor academic records, low name recognition, and few accomplishments to date, is considered a long shot. But, hey! This is America, right? Anything could happen! Now that Mr. Bush has officially filed, he can raise money, hire staff, and open a campaign headquarters--just like a real candidate! His campaign plan is being devised by chief political operative and fresh face Karl Rove, who is new to Washington and promises loads of innovative ideas and fresh thinking. The first solicitations for campaign money will be mailed to potential donors in the next few days, and Bush himself plans to make his first appearance at a fundraiser in June, at which time he will introduce himself to the American public. Good luck, George! You'll need it!
SATURDAY, MAY 17
According to the New York Times, a Florida woman has been charged with aggravated assault for trying to injure her chemically sensitive husband by wearing perfume and lighting scented candles. Her husband said she also sprayed the house with disinfectant and used scented air fresheners--the homicidal, brazen hussy. According to her hubby, when the fragrances put him in a stupor, she had call block installed on their phone so he could not reach his doctor and took their computer apart so he could not use email. He was totally helpless! Thank heavens she didn't break out the Aqua-net.
SUNDAY, MAY 18
Pope John Paul II celebrated his 83rd birthday today. Happy Birthday, Pope! To celebrate, God let him do anything he wanted. So Pope JP canonized four new saints. The two Poles and two Italians bring the number of saints canonized by his Holiness to 473; why, that's more than the 299 saints sainted by all the previous popes since 1588 combined! He sure does like to make saints, don't he? Catholics around the world were able to e-mail birthday wishes to the pope through the Vatican's Web site. Vatican officials said they were getting an avalanche of birthday greetings and porn spam. And while the Pope was appreciative, he's really not interested in making it any "longer or harder."