TUESDAY, JULY 1
And speaking of celebrity medical problems screechy pop diva Mariah Carey has been making some unusual demands of her gynecologist. It seems that before letting the doc poke around in her bread box, she insists that any other appointments that may be scheduled close to hers must be canceled. Apparently, according to the New York Post, the star of Glitter doesn't want anyone lounging around the waiting room while her cooter is being roto-rootered. And believe us, honey! We don't want to be there either! Meanwhile! The increasingly unlikable Jennifer Lopez had a medical emergency of her own today, when a piece of popcorn had the audacity to crack one of her teeth. This horrifying tale of woe occurred while Ms. LO and beau Ben Affleck were attending a screening of the almost-as-painful-as-a-root-canal Matrix Reloaded. "I think I bit down wrong on a piece of popcorn," said the still visibly shaken Lopez. "It was like a knife in my brain." Luckily for everyone in America, Affleck rushed his betrothed to a local dentist who unfortunately for everyone in America diagnosed it as NOT a knife in her brain.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 2
Today President Bush came out with an original way of combating the Iraqi militants who have been picking off American soldiers: ANTAGONIZING THEM. At least 23 U.S. troops have been killed since Bush called an end to military operations on May 1, forcing the President to bring out the heavy-duty trash talk. "There are some who feel like that conditions are such that they can attack us there," Bush barely managed to tell reporters. "My answer is: BRING THEM ON." Strangely, Democratic leaders were critical of this belligerant and aggressive remark. "I am shaking my head in disbelief," said New Jersey Sen. Frank Lautenberg. "When I served during World War II, I never heard any military commander--let alone the commander in chief--invite enemies to attack U.S. troops." Well obviously, Sen. Lautenberg, you never saw a little movie called Bring It On. In this thinly veiled film documentation of military strategy, Kirsten Dunst leads a team of spunky white cheerleaders into a competition with a rival team of black cheerleaders who inform the white cheerleaders that if they really want to compete on the same level as the black cheerleaders, they had better "Bring it on!" And while the white cheerleaders eventually lose the finals, they eventually get the grudging respect of the black cheerleaders--which is all white people really want in the first place! (Kirsten also gets to kiss her best friend's brother, Jesse Bradford, who is totally hot.)
THURSDAY, JULY 3
It was a really depressing day for potentially dead terrorist Osama bin Laden when he learned that the U.S. government had put out a $25 million bounty on Saddam Hussein! This is the same amount that was originally earmarked to bring in bin Laden, and now it seems like they're putting $25 million bounties on just anyone's head. Osama bin Laden planned the destruction of the World Trade Center. He knowingly killed thousands of Americans on their home soil. And yet, here comes Saddam-come-lately skipping up and bagging a $25 million bounty for doing what? Maybe building weapons of mass destruction? Sure, he was a ruthless dictator who gassed his own people, but that's certainly not worth $25 million. It's worth ohhhh maybe $5 million tops. And get this! If you capture either of Saddam's two sons, they're worth $15 million EACH. Since when is banging prostitutes and lying around the palace pool worth $15 million? We're sorry, but we're with Osama on this one. If we were him? We would be pissed.
FRIDAY, JULY 4
Today The New York Times reported that a 37-year-old man in Buchen, Germany woke up at 6 a.m. to find himself naked in the middle of the street. He called the police from a payphone when he realized that, being naked, he also did not have his house keys. He waited in the phone booth until the police arrived, at which point one of the officers kindly loaned the nude dude his coat. The man claimed to have been sleepwalking. Let's go over the details: naked, Germany, man, dawn. Hello? Does anyone watch repeats of Buffy anymore? Clearly, this man is a werewolf. For one, what kind of sleepwalker ever, EVER, sleeps in the nude? Second, we just have a gut feeling. Third, it's Independence Day, and creepy things always happen on Independence Day. You know parades, for instance.
SATURDAY, JULY 5
Arnold Schwarzenegger, having caught wind of the $25 million reward for Saddam, immediately flew to Baghdad under the guise of "supporting the troops." His plan? A free screening of his latest movie Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Saddam was SURE to show! Unfortunately the only people who came were U.S. soldiers. Arnold was very disappointed. Especially in the city of Baghdad, which has very few gyms. "It is really wild driving around here," he said. "I mean the poverty, and you see there is no money, it is disastrous financially and there is the leadership vacuum, pretty much like in California right now." Arnold, 95, has indicated he may run for California governor as a Republican if residents there vote to recall the Gov. Gray Davis. And then, King of the World. "I play Terminator, but you guys are the true terminators," he told the disappointed soldiers, most of whom had been tricked into coming after being told they would be seeing Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.
SUNDAY, JULY 6
Finally, some GOOD NEWS! A theater in Missouri has BANNED CHILDREN from its facilities! As of Independence Day, children under six were no longer welcome at Cinemark Palace in Kansas City--even if accompanied by their parents. There have been small-scale protests in front of the theater and several three year olds who had been hoping to see Laurel Canyon on the big screen are still picketing. As you can see, there is a small contingent of folk who believe that children are darling, harmless creatures who do not yammer ceaselessly and should be welcome additions to R-rated, subtitled, art films. These people are crazy. People who bring small children to adult films are selfish and hateful. If you want to make sure your child sees The Ring, rent it. Do not inflict the sniffling, no-neck monster on the rest of us--unless of course, you drug it.