TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
Vegans, prepare to be sickened beyond belief. According to today's New York Times, the National Cattlemen's Beef Association feels that Americans are not getting enough dead cow in their diets, and have developed a brand new meat product--cheeseburger fries. Developed possibly for Jimmy Buffet fans on an extremely tight schedule, cheeseburger fries are made of "a meat-and-cheese compound" that is breaded, deep-fried and served with ketchup or barbecue sauce. Another way to serve them could be in a syringe that's stuck directly into the human aorta--but that kind of technology is still a ways down the road. "The challenge is getting people to think of other ways to eat beef," said Betty Hogan, director of the beef association's thinktank. It seems the beef industry has fallen on hard times as of late; 20 years ago Americans were eating 77 pounds of beef and 51 pounds of chicken per capita. Nowadays, we're down to an embarrassing 66 pounds of beef, while scarfing down an incredible 76 pounds of chicken. We're sure this makes the KFC chickens--who are crammed like sardines in cages, knee-deep in their own fecal matter--extremely proud. But the beef industry is hanging a lot of hope on the cheeseburger fry to boost their sagging profits, and to insure that meat is clogging the colons of their customers for years to come. Ms. Hogan of the Beef Association says it best: "We want beef in dessert if we can get it there."
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
You know, it's not just the relationship of J.LO and B.AFF that's on the skids--other celebrities have problems, too! Take, for example, Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake. According to Brit tabloid The Daily Star, Justy has been feeling pooh-poohed by the comely Charlie's Angels star who has allegedly been hiding out because of her incessant and embarrassing acne problem. Unfortunately, JT is still feeling a bit ouchy after his breakup with Britney Spears, and reportedly "has become paranoid he is the real cause of Cameron's displeasure and that her feelings for him are cooling." Need some advice, Justin? LEAVE HER BE. Sometimes a girl just needs to be alone with her pimples. Meanwhile! The trail of broken hearts and terror continues, and Britney is leading the bandwagon! Though she's reportedly cut down on the boozing, the Britta still smokes like a chimney, and has taken to standing around on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine dressed only in her delicates. And this week, the paparazzi have allegedly caught the pop tart with her tongue firmly down a married man's throat. The throat in question was attached to Columbus Short--a 21-year-old, married, expectant father, who is one of her backup dancers and apparently not gay! Britney, for the love of God! What is Madonna going to think?
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
Today California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger was forced to put the English language where his mouth is when he took on his rivals in his first-ever public debate. (Sniff! We remember when he was just this tall, and dressed in lederhosen.) Schwarzy went head to head with four potential candidates, only two of which anyone cares about: Sen. Tom McClintock and SUV-hating Arianna Huffington. Like Arnold did in the debate, we refuse to bore you with the details. However, it can be said that sparks flew between Schwarzy and Huffington--and not the John Cusack/Uma Thurman kind, either. At one point during the debate, Huffington complained about Arnie's constant interruptions, saying it reflected badly on the way he treats women. Arnie responded by saying, "I just realized I have a perfect part for you in Terminator 4." (He was referring to Terminator 3 in which he shoves a woman's head into a toilet.) Overall, how did Arnie fair in the debate? "I thought he was terrific," said one enthusiastic woman in the audience. "But then, I like having my head shoved in a toilet."
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
This just in from CNN: It turns out that Segways may be DEATH TRAPS! The two-wheeled human transporters, hailed a few years ago as the Next Big Thing in Silly Transportation, have been recalled. It turns out the topple-proof scooter, well... topples. Specifically if it's low on batteries. Ed Begley Jr. came within a hair's breath of SERIOUS PHYSICAL PERIL. Though 6,000 Segways have been sold to date, you do not own one, and neither does anyone you know. The Segway company's newest prototype, the Tangent, is expected to be much more stable. In the meantime, stick to skateboarding.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMEBER 27
Okay. Listen. This is important. You know that melba toast and hummus you're always snacking on? All those snap peas? The prune juice? Stop it. Drive to the nearest fast food outlet. It doesn't matter which one. Order fries. Eat them. Repeat. Do this for your country. Do this for the United States Potato Board. Sales of freedom fries in the first quarter of this year were down by more than 5 percent from a peak of $520 million in the first quarter of 2001! Five PERCENT! Who's to blame? Some say negative publicity surrounding fats and oils. Health obsessed Americans. Some say it's the hippies. But we blame the French. No matter. What's important now is to do everything we can to ensure that freedom fries retain their proper place at the top of the most popular foods list. Curly fries. Cheddar fries. Homecut fries. Waffle fries. Steak fries. Order them all. For America. (Cheeseburger fries don't count.)
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
The Associated Press reported today that an irate four-year-old boy, weary of his lot in life, shot and killed his five-year-old sister and seriously wounded his seven-year-old brother in Landover, Maryland. "It's a terrible situation that probably could have been avoided," Cpl. Diane Richardson said. Especially if the little boy's sister and brother had been nicer to him. It's an important lesson to EVERYONE with little brothers. Little brothers can snap at any time and seek revenge for a variety of slights. They have very long memories, those little brothers. If you have a little brother, you should probably suffocate him in his sleep before someone leaves a loaded gun lying around where he can find it.