TUESDAY, OCTOBER 14
A new survey released this week made the startling claim that half the soldiers serving in Iraq are suffering from morale that is "low" or "very low" and they "did not plan to reenlist in the military." This poll conducted by Stars and Stripes newspaper also noted that a third of respondents complained their mission lacked "clear definition" and characterized the war in Iraq as "of little or no value." HmmmÉ this would seem to run counter to the views of Bush Administration officials who have been portraying the troops as happy, rosy cheeked lads who absolutely adore nation-building, kissing Iraqi babies, and happily cleaning up after the evil Saddam with a bucket of Mr. Clean and a Swiffer. The report shocked Air Force General and chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Richard Myers who told reporters he was only allowed to talk to "all the happy folks" when visiting with the troops. "I want to see the folks that have complaints," Myers said. "And sometimes they won't let them near me." Since Myers possesses the highest rank in the military (other than the President), who could possibly stop him from speaking with the troops? Answer: the Care Bear Army Regiment, whose duty is to sprinkle "feel good" dust on the troops, and defeat the missing Saddam Hussein with their own "weapon of mass destruction"--the Care Bear stare!
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15
Since Halloween is fast approaching, how about some gory news about mauled magician/tiger attackee Roy Horn? The brunette side of Las Vegas duo Siegfried and Roy is still fighting for his life--despite the radical operation that kept him alive. According to the Star tabloid, in order to relieve the pressure on his brain, Roy was the recipient of an extreme procedure called a hemicraniectomy, where a fragment of his skull was removed "and kept in his stomach for safekeeping." What? Were they afraid someone was going to sell it on eBay? Or that the peckish tiger was going to stop by for a midnight nosh? Meanwhile! Former Mirage casino owner Steve Wynn is joining the ranks of people intent on pointing the blame on anyone except the hungry tiger, insisting that the tabby was merely trying to protect Roy after he had stumbled. "Roy can't talk at the moment," Wynn correctly observed. "But if he were here I know he would be screaming and pounding on the table because there was neither a tiger attack, nor was there a maul." Nice try, Wynn--but if this kitty is going to get off, he's going to need Kobe Bryant's lawyer.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 16
And for those who didn't care to celebrate director Chris Columbus' birthday, perhaps you will be interested in another historic milestone that was hit this week. It's been six months since President Bush declared victory in Iraq, and yet today the 101st soldier died fighting a war we have supposedly "already won." Here are some more fun facts about this fateful day: In addition to the 101 post-war casualties, another 97 died in non-hostile actions, such as accidents, friendly fire, and suicides. And during the war, 115 U.S. troops died in combat, while 23 perished in non-fighting situations. This gives us a grand total of 336 dead soldiers, which means Bush's "successful war" has taken more American lives than the conflicts in Somalia, Kosovo, Panama, Grenada, Afghanistan, and the first Gulf War (which only killed a paltry 147 soldiers). If Bush keeps this up, he's going to have more dead American soldiers than retarded executed inmates from Texas!
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 17
For those of you who've been wondering what the hell we're doing in Iraq, someone has finally put the complicated rationale into words even you can understand. Here's what it comes down to: the war on terrorism is a battle between a "Christian army" and Satan. Muslims, you see, worship an "idol" and not a "real God" like ours. Doesn't that make SO much more sense? NOW do you understand? You can send a thank you letter to three star general Army Lt. Gen. William "Jerry" Boykin. Boykin made the comments to Christian church audiences while in uniform, and while you might think this could cause some career trouble from do-gooders who are put off by bigoted zealots, don't worry, the Pentagon is refusing to criticize Boykin, citing his outstanding military record. "Satan wants to destroy this nation, he wants to destroy us as a nation, and he wants to destroy us as a Christian army," Boykin explained. He then tried to catch a comet home to heaven.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 18
The BBC reported today that scientists using lasers have uncovered carvings on some of the stones at Stonehenge that are not visible to the naked eye. The carvings are of bronze axe heads. Three stones have been scanned so far, and the investigating team insists a full survey of all 83 would probably reveal more carvings. "The laser scanning has opened up a whole new way of seeing Stonehenge," said Tom Goskar of Wessex Archaeology. "With more time we could uncover many more and make plainer the outline of some known carvings that are difficult to see." Other carvings detected include anti-Saxon graffiti and an early draft of Beowulf.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 19
It was reported today that workers at a Kettle Foods potato chip plant found two bombs while sorting potatoes. The workers were feeding potatoes into a machine that sorts out stones and other debris--roots, leaves, bombs--when a three-pound military bomb popped out. Their curiosity peaked, the workers went through more potatoes and discovered a second bomb. At this point, they began to get suspicious. But as is so often the case with these sort of potato chip factory bomb scares, the bombs were not real, but dummy bombs, left over from when the military used the potato farm as a practice bombing range (back when we were considering invading Ireland). When notified of the dummy bombs, the potato farmer in question reported that they find dummy bombs all the time and usually try to pick them out before sending the potatoes off to Kettle. In response, Kettle asked him to please try harder.