Fans of uncomfortable-looking amateur porn rejoiced this week when the Paris Hilton sex tape was unleashed upon the internet. Starring the heir to the Hilton hotel fortune and Rick Salomon (the grateful ex-husband of screeching harpy Shannen Doherty), the flick depicts Paris occasionally repositioning herself to show her best side, taking a break to chat on her cell phone, making small talk with Salomon, moving into the bathroom to expose her breasts in a better lightÉ and eventually getting around to having sex. [For complete review, see page 37!] Paris had earlier denied the video's existence, going as far as to call Salomon a "complete liar and scumbag." However, this week Salomon struck back, and is suing the Hiltons and their publicist for $10 million. It seems the Hiltons' mouthpiece, Siri Garber, told the New York Post that poor Paris comes across as an incapacitated "victim" in the tape, and "can't even get up"--except of course for the time she moves into the bathroom to shed more light on her breasts. According to Salomon's lawsuit, "Any reasonable person who views the tape will surely conclude that Hilton was fully aware and cognizant of everything that was happening throughout the videotaped encounter and freely engaged in a wide variety of sexual activities with Salomon." WaitasecondÉ is this a lawsuit or advertisement? Meanwhile, the Hiltons are doing everything they can to stop the infectious spread of Paris' legs on the internet, though according to scores of horny internet geeks, "resistance is futile." Says one anonymous geek, "The lawyers can work all they want--but it seems a bit like closing the barn door after the cow's out." Let the record show that it was this unnamed source that likened Paris Hilton to a cow--not us. However, we do agree that Paris' "barn door" is rarely, if ever, shut.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 11
Though "Queen of the Undressed Internet Sluts" only yesterday, today geeks across America were yelling, "Who's Paris Hilton? We want nude pictures of Pvt. Jessica Lynch!" Unfortunately, the owner of these infamous photos, Hustler publisher Larry Flynt, has had a change of heart and will not be printing them in his illustrious magazine. The revealing shots of the rescued Iraqi POW and poster girl for the Bush Administration were allegedly provided by two soldiers who served with Lynch, and reportedly show her cavorting about in the buff along with fellow G.I.s before the war at the appropriately named Fort Bliss, Texas. So why is the magazine that could make a gynecologist blush balking at printing the photos? "If Jessica Lynch wants to join the Army and see the world, and if she wants to have a good time while she's at it, I'm not here to judge her," said the ever-benevolent Flynt. The publisher then rolled up onto his handicapped-accessible soapbox, adding, "To the government, though, she has always been a pawn in the cynical attempt to create a 'hero' who can 'sell' the war to the American peopleÉshe is a victim of the media and the Government, co-conspirators desperate to justify the war in Iraq." Flynt will undoubtedly replace the Lynch pictorial with an article expanding on this collusion between the media and the government--either that or more pictures of dripping, shaved beavers.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 12
Now on to the continuing woes of celebrity romance. The ongoing saga of J.LO and B.AFF's wedding hit yet another snag when it was reported today that during a nuptials summit, Ben Affleck blew his top and stormed out of talks. Apparently the affair is still too highbrow and fancy-pantsy for the down-to-earth actor, and according to a source close to the duo, "They had a big fight and Ben moved out to a hotel." Though we have no proof, we suspect the straw that broke the Affleck's back was the purchase of a THIRD Vera Wang wedding gown. LO's reasoning: she didn't like the first, and because of Affleck's cold feet, didn't wear the second. Well, just hold fast, Jennifer honey! You let that big fucking baby know that it's YOUR wedding day, and no girl in her right mind would dare wear a jinxed Vera Wang! MEANWHILE! During a very public fight in Las Vegas' Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, ex-heartthrob Christian Slater was whacked in the noggin with a cocktail glass courtesy of angry wifey Ryan Haddon. What were they arguing about? A proclaimed "misunderstanding" that resulted in nine stitches for Slater and a night in the pokey for Haddon. According to the Heathers star, his wife meant to throw the contents of the glass on him, when the glass slipped and implanted itself in Slater's brain. After a 12-hour detention, Haddon was released on bail and ordered to apologize to the highball glass, which is currently undergoing therapy for post-dramatic stress disorder.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 13
In a hilariously ironic turn of events, Roy Moore, the Alabama judge who refused to remove his granite Ten Commandments monument from the state courthouse--has now also been removed from the state courthouse. Nine members of the Court of the Judiciary correctly decided to throw this hick off the bench, where he will hopefully spend the rest of his days standing outside the post office searching for discarded cigarette butts and rejoicing over the discovery of a half-eaten, ant-covered hot dog. "I have absolutely no regrets," said the possibly inbred and moonshine-soaked hillbilly judge in regards to the decision. "It's about whether or not you can acknowledge God as a source of our law and liberty." Moore went on to say he was consulting with lawyers, as well as religious and political figures, and would make an announcement next week that could "alter the course of this country." We assume this idiot means he's going to run for President--or take a bath.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 14
Following Dem hopeful Howard Dean's lead, John Kerry has decided to throw caution to the wind and giddily opt out of the public financing system. This means that, like Dean, Kerry will forgo public matching funds and with them, the Paris-Hilton-coitus-tape-scary campaign-spending limits. This also means that Kerry will be counting on you to not buy that new Shins album, and instead send the cash directly to his campaign headquarters. Are you UP to it, people? We didn't think so. That's okay. Kerry and Dean are both rich like Nazis. This is the first time in Dem history that two nomination rats have stepped outside the public financing system since the Watergate scandal that provoked the rules 30 years ago. Dean did it first. Kerry is just a copycat. Joe Lieberman has decided to toe the line and agree to financing. (Joe is also rich, but NOT rich like a Nazi-- because THAT would be offensive.)
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 15
Today something happened that we haven't heard about happening in a very long time. We are speaking, of course, of today's terrible gangway accident. According to The New York Times, at least 13 people died and 32 were injured when a gangway with about 50 kinfolk and chums of workers on the Queen Mary 2 collapsed in France. The kinfolk and chums were present to take a tour and inspect the great ship, and overall the boat garnered positive reviews--except of course for the gangplank, about which many advised, "watch that first stepÉ it's a doozy."
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 16
The Associated Press reported today that soccer star David Beckham and his wife, Victoria Beckham, née Posh Spice, have denied allegations that their marriage has gone south. A spokeswoman for the couple said the story, in early editions of the Sunday Mirror, was "rubbish. " She also added that it was a bloody sterling short of a pound; that mates who believe it ought to have their fringe cut and be kept in the boot without biscuits. As everyone who isn't an American knows, David Beckham was traded from Manchester United to Spain, where he now plays for Real Madrid. In other words, were Posh to walk out on her marriage, no one would blame her.