TUESDAY, DECEMBER 9
This week's parade of ugly breakups continues with this heart-rending tale of former presidential candidate Al Gore, and Sen. Joe Liberman, who was Gore's choice of V.P. in the 2000 elections. After what was termed as a "brief" warning phone call to Lieberman (currently seeking the presidential nomination), today Gore threw his total support behind White House hopeful Howard Dean. And boy, was Lieberman MAD. It turns out Lieberman is trailing far behind Dean in the polls, and had been hoping to get the former Vice President's nod of approval. Unfortunately for Lieberman, he's kind of a jerk and nobody likes him much, mainly because of his conservative stances on Hollywood "filth" and his support of Bush's war in Iraq. Still, he took Gore's pooh-pooh as a major diss. "What really bothers me," said the clearly heartbroken Liberman on NBC's Today show, "is that Al is supporting a candidate who is so fundamentally opposed to the basic transformation that Bill Clinton brought to the Democratic Party." Yeah, yeah, yeahÉ tell you what, Joe. After you finish eating that crate of sour grapes, why not run and cry to Hillary Clinton? She can tell you all about broken hearts.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 10
SoÉ have you gotten the flu yet? Well, according to the Center for Disease Control, it's just a matter of time. Since last week, the sneezing, sniffling outbreak has spread from 12 to 24 states, stuffing emergency rooms with complaining customers and making flu vaccine shots more in demand than a pair of Louis Vuitton designer socks. Towns like Malad, Idaho were especially hard-hit by the outbreak, presumably because of the large amount of inbreeding occurring there. According to reports, church services were cancelled, along with "the wrestling match and drill team show" and "even Santa" [who doesn't even exist] had to postpone his visit with the children. "If it were me," says epidemiologist Dr. Randall Todd, "I'd be on the phone to your doctor, calling around to see if you could find some vaccine." Dr. Todd wins this week's "No Shit, Sherlock" award, for his assertion of the painfully obvious. Unfortunately for normal people, the vaccine is primarily being doled out to the young and infirm. The CDC is recommending that top priority go to "the elderly, children under two, and those with chronic medical conditions." Jesus! Haven't these people ever heard of Darwin? It's survival of the fittest, baby! Now give us the fucking shot!
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 11
Even megastar Julia Roberts is not immune to diseases that plague the common folk, and is using the malady as an excuse for acting like a snippy bitch. After learning of Gwyneth Paltrow's impregnation via that skinny guy from Coldplay, reporters at Julia Roberts' Mona Lisa Smiles press conference noted her tired and sickly appearance and asked if she too had been knocked up. Her response seemed to indicate she was less than pleased with the question. "I HAVE THE FLU AND I'VE BEEN THROWING UP FOR SEVEN DAYS!!" screamed the harried actress. "SO IF I SEEM SLIGHTLY LESS THAN ENTHUSIASTIC, I'M TRYING TO KEEP IT TOGETHER!" And while it may seem that Julia overreactedÉ well, she did. However, the reporters could've put the question a little more delicately. For example, instead of "You look sick, are you pregnant?" they could've asked, "You look fat, are you pregnant?"
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 12
Scientists want to stop you from getting drunk--and according to the Associated Press, they may be on their way. The big breakthrough? Scientists have found a gene responsible for drunkenness in worms. Yes, worms. They held kegger after kegger until the little guys couldn't keep up and then they cut them up into little pieces to see why some of them weren't getting blotto. Because we are all apparently more like worms than we'd like to admit, it's believed we may also possess a single gene responsible for drunkenness. "Our end goal is to find a way to cure alcoholism and drug abuse," Dr. Steven McIntire said. "We hope to develop effective therapeutics to improve the ability of people to stop drinking." WaitasecondÉ and prevent us from the sweet, sweet pleasure of inebriation? According to the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, 14 million Americans abuse alcohol. If you are one of them, we suggest you sock away some beer money and get a lobbyist.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 13
Keiko died today. The incorrigible killer whale, who first gained fame as the half-pint on the TV show Eight is Enough and went on to star in the Free Willy movies, died of pneumonia in a hotel room in Norway. He was 27 years old. Keiko lived briefly in Oregon before forsaking America for Oslo, where he had been promised a miniseries. The deal never materialized, and Keiko was reduced to starring in dental hygiene films and posing for marine-themed murals. Plans for his burial have not been determined but the Associated Press reports that David Phillips, executive director of the San Francisco-based Free Willy-Keiko Foundation, said that his preference would be to bury him on land. "If you bury him on land we could still recover his skeleton and that might have some value in a museum or something, but that is still being worked out," Phillips said. In the meantime, Keiko's remains are being covered with a tarp.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 14
Saddam Hussein was found in a hole today wearing a beard that looked like it had been stolen from a community theater production of Fiddler on the Roof. He was understandably tired, disoriented, and rather matted. Of course this is a great day for President Bush, as now that Saddam has been captured, all evil in the world will stop. Already, thousands of car thieves, pick-pockets, and muggers from Hong Kong to Philadelphia have turned themselves in to their local authorities. FOX news predicts that by tomorrow morning, evil will have vanished from the earth entirely, replaced only with peace and harmony. Our apologies for every having had any doubts. Clearly the entire war was well, well worth it.