If you tend to stick sharp objects into your eye after hearing some bad news, and you happen to be holding a sharp object at this moment... maybe you should put it down. According to E! Online, Guadalupe Lopez (mother of Jennifer Lopez) recently won $2.4 million in an Atlantic City casino. It get worse... she was playing the "Wheel of Fortune" slot machine. The 58-year-old Guadalupe--or as the kids like to call her, G.LO--had only put $3 into the machine when she won the monstrous prize, which, for the sake of our truly masochistic readers, came out to be exactly $2,421,291.76. Did we mention that her daughter J.LO has already amassed an incredible multimillion-dollar fortune? Well... she has. This knowledge might lead the casual observer to wonder what exactly G.LO has done to deserve her incredible luck? Her answer was simple: "It was divine intervention." Divine intervention? Okay... we have a little problem with this. Correct us if necessary, but doesn't "divine intervention" mean that God intervenes when something has gone WRONG? When G.LO pumped $2.75 into that "Wheel of Fortune" machine, was God so overcome with sorrow over the unfairness of her losses, that he was finally forced to cry "ENOUGH!" and bestow $2 million on G.LO for her suffering? Hey, it's just a question--but if we were a certain Son of God who was pretty much ignored while being crucified on the cross? We'd be PISSED.
TUESDAY, APRIL 6
And, speaking of unfeeling father figures... Aging Hollywood ex-hunk Harrison Ford is in the "doghouse" for ignoring the fact that the dog belonging to his skeletal girlfriend Calista Flockheart is DEAD. According to World Entertainment Network, Calista is simply mortified by Harrison's cold reaction to the death of her "best friend" Webster--a mongrel terrier. A rather talkative insider says, "Harrison doesn't think losing a dog is a big deal, but it's causing all sorts of problems." One possible excuse for Harrison's nonplussed attitude toward the untimely demise of Webster could be because his own mother died a few weeks earlier. "Calista can see why Harrison is really upset at the death of his mother, but she doesn't think that should detract from her own grief," says the gabby pal. This is possibly the saddest story we've heard since learning that J.LO's mom won $2 million from a slot machine. But we're sure that if Webster and Harrison's dead mommy could speak to the beleaguered couple from heaven, they would say, "Harrison and Calista--if you truly want us to be happy, please break up. Your weird relationship is creeping everybody out."
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 7
The results are in! Last week we asked readers to play Nancy Drew and try to decipher the identity of the saucy pop princess described in this blind item from the New York Post: "WHICH plucky pop tart lived up to her bad girl image with some X-rated action at the World Music Awards in Monaco? We're told the songbird was invited to an orgy by a certain sex-obsessed aristocrat, who ended up with a royal pain after the singer used a sex toy on him. Our heroine coyly referred to the unprintable incident by telling reporters she had a 'strapping good time in Monaco.'" After some damnably clever detective work, we narrowed the choices down to two primary suspects: Christina Aguilera and Pink (FYI, Hilary Duff was taken out of the running). We then asked YOU to make the final decision on which punky popstress porked a prince in the papoose! And the winner is... Christina Aguilera! However, since Pink lost by only 57 votes, Al Gore is demanding a recount.
THURSDAY, APRIL 8
Today wasn't such a great day. The situation in Iraq continues to deteriorate, especially for three Japanese hostages who were taken by Iraqi militants, and are being threatened with death. The kidnappers sent a videotape to Japanese leaders today, claiming they will kill the hostages unless Japan's troops are withdrawn from Iraq. Their exact words were, "withdraw your forces from our country or we will burn [the hostages] alive and feed them to the fighters." They sound mad. Meanwhile! National security adviser Condoleeza Rice testified under oath today to the 9/1l commission and a national TV audience. Her response to accusations the Bush administration ignored possible intel that al-Qaida was about to launch a major attack on American soil? "IT'S... NOT... OUR... FAULT." Meanwhile! Possible proof was offered today that the Bush administration knew that al-Qaida was about to launch a major attack on American soil. Though the Bush team had previously said they had no idea that bin Laden was determined to attack inside the United States, their story was blown by an intelligence briefing dated August 6, 2001, entitled, "Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States." After a lengthy discussion, press secretary Scott McClellan announced that the administration would agree to fully declassify the report--on one condition: "That you agree IT'S... NOT... OUR... FAULT."
FRIDAY, APRIL 9
Most of you are probably too young to remember this, but back in the '90s we had our own Paris Hilton. We called her Tori Spelling. She was always getting into trouble, and we loved her very much. So we were delighted to read today in Page Six that Tori is back and as drunk and violent as ever! That's right! She threw an old time Roxy hissy fit at a West Village bar. She actually threw tater tots at other patrons! Then she took off a high heel and banged it on a bar window, before being asked to leave. You and your Paris Hilton. Please. We scoff at you.
SATURDAY, APRIL 10
The aforementioned, classified August 6 al-Qaida memo that President Bush received before the World Trade Center attacks was released today. Neither political party was pleased with the content. The Republicans had said the memo merely outlined several lunch options. The Democrats claimed it was a letter from Osama bin Laden, laying out his entire organizational plan. Surprisingly, both parties lied. The memo pretty much summed up what anyone reading the New York Times already knew: al-Qaida wanted to attack the U.S. The truly distressing aspect of the memo is that it read like one of those Rand McNally textbook chapter summaries, where everything is dumbed down and regurgitated for the lowest common denominator. If the memo had been followed by a chapter summary quiz, which had required the President to interact with the material, it might have made more of an impression. Sample questions might include:
1) Clandestine, foreign government, and media reports have indicated that he was wanted to conduct terrorist attacks in the U.S. since 1997. Who is he?
2) According to XXXXXX, bin Laden told followers he wanted to retaliate in Washington. Who is XXXXXX, and why don't we want anyone to know his name?
3) A clandestine source said in 1998 that a bin Laden cell in New York was recruiting what sort of youth for attacks?
4) How do you spell the name of bin Laden's organization?
5) Bin Laden had not been deterred by setbacks. What other leaders have exhibited this quality? Can you think of a reason it is important?
SUNDAY, APRIL 11
The Passion of the Christ was resurrected today, seeing profits soar as guilty Christians flocked to suburban theaters across the nation. Guilty Christians, as you know, are the fuel on which the capitalist machine runs. More comfortable than a hair shirt and less painful that self-flagellation, The Passion has proved a worthy salve as the faithful seek out church-approved violence. Hellboy, another father-son story, was sadly overlooked in all the fervor.