* Spears hires celebrity wedding planner Yifat Oren. You've GOT to be kidding. While Oren and associates are well known for tasteful soirees, their most famous party to date has been the wedding of 90210's Brian Austin Green. Who's next? Carrot Top?
* Spears rejects traditional white dress for red bridal gown. Oh, sweet Christ in heaven. While Britney may be young, someone should inform her that red is the color of whores. Though she may think she's "bucking tradition," if she's going to wear red, she may as well get married at Nevada's Cherry Patch Ranch (which, if you're not aware, is a house of WHORES).
* Spears refuses to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. Excuse the following outburst, but is she fucking INSANE?!? According to Pagesix.Com, even though Brit's parents are begging her to sign a pre-nup, she has refused because she's "marrying him for love and not money." In case she's forgotten, Kevin Federline is practically penniless. On the other hand, Spears is reportedly worth $100 million, and since they are California residents, Federline stands to receive HALF HER FORTUNE if they divorce. And OH, they will divorce. Regardless of your personal feelings for Britney Spears, it's up to everyone to stop this oncoming travesty of justice. Go to www.britneyspears.com NOW, and leave her the following message: "Britney, we want nothing but your continued happiness. Bearing that in mind... for god's sake, you stupid bitch, sign that pre-nup!"
TUESDAY, JULY 6
On the other hand, we think a pre-nuptial agreement isn't necessary for Presidential candidate John Kerry and his choice for a V.P. running mate, former rival John Edwards. Why? Because unlike the unattractive Kevin Federline, John Edwards is dreamy! The two senators sealed the deal early this morning with a 15-minute phone conversation, before confessing their newfound love to the world. As in many love stories and Barbra Streisand movies, the relationship between the two Johns started out acrimoniously. During his campaign for President, Edwards often had harsh words for Kerry, while Kerry often pointed to Edwards' youthful inexperience. However, it took the Democratic National Committee to bring these two crazy kids together, who in effect told Kerry, "Look, John. You look like a goddamn wooden Indian, and people think you're a wet blanket. Who cares if Edwards doesn't have any experience? He'll give us the Southern states, and besides, he's absolutely kissable!" Of course, not everyone is happy about the new relationship. When the President was asked today how Edwards stacked up against his V.P., Bush replied curtly, "Dick Cheney can be president." In a related story, as soon as the President made this statement, the national suicide rate leapt to an all-time high.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 7
Poor Cammy Diaz! First an uncontrollable acne problem, and now this: A recently uncovered S&M video from 1992 that's now being sold for $39.95 on the internet! Made when she was young and foolish, the 30-minute flick (hastily entitled She's No Angel: Cameron Diaz) shows a 19-year-old Cammy frolicking topless in fishnets, alongside a vixenish brunette named Natasha, and the requisite male slave in shackles (who for the purposes of this story we will name "Kevin"). Cammy reportedly teases Kevin, forcing him to wear a leather mask, and arousing him by spraying a can of compressed air on her breasts while giggling, "Oooh! Look at them! Look at how big they got!" [To the kids at home, spraying compressed air on your breasts does not make them bigger. That's what plastic surgeons are for.] And while the film is currently being hawked on the website Scandal-Inc.Com, Cammy's lawyers are working overtime to get control of the video, sending a cease and desist letter to the website's owners. And while we have nothing but compassion for Cammy, has anyone stopped to ask how Kevin feels?
THURSDAY, JULY 8
Federal prosecutors laid down the law on former Enron chairman Kenneth Lay today, charging the ex-bigwig with 11 counts of conspiracy, securities fraud, bank fraud, and much, much more. The charges allege that Lay lied to employees and stockholders about the fiscal health of Enron, then vamoosed when the company crapped the bed, causing thousands of workers to lose their jobs, and stockholders to go broke. Lay plead innocent to the charges in no uncertain terms. "I firmly reject any notion that I engaged in any wrongful or criminal activity," Lay said. Then he added, "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for smoking a bowl of crack and murdering a school bus full of children. What? Why are you looking at me funny?" Meanwhile! If it's 2:30 pm, that means its time for Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge to announce that al-Qaida is planning yet another attack on U.S. soil--and this time they're going after our polling booths! Based supposedly on a steady stream of intelligence and info from militant web sites, the government has gained "sobering information about those who wish to do us harm," Ridge intoned. As usual, the government has no specific knowledge about where, when, or how an attack will take place. However, Ridge does know "why" al-Qaida will attack, and it's to disrupt the upcoming election. This makes complete sense to us, because... well... al-Qaida just loves President Bush so much! They obviously want to scare the Democrats away from the polls and keep him as President for four more years. The way they figure it, by that time, Bush will find a good reason to re-attack Iraq.
FRIDAY, JULY 9
Spokesclown Ronald McDonald finally had enough of the golden arches this week, and marched into a McDonald's in southern Norway to air his grievances about his bosses and their food. (Many people don't know this, but Ronald McDonald has a summer home in Norway.) Diners, naturally, were stunned--but then, Norwegians are easily startled. Police took away the disgruntled clown after he refused to leave or cease his Norma Rae moment. After his arrest, he claimed to be a performance artist, but he was clearly identifiable in mug shots as the famous McDonald's mascot. According to reports, he made one phone call--to the Hamburgler.
SATUDAY, JULY 10
Nothing says "take this job and shove it" like quitting the race for president. Often so-called "failed presidential candidates" become more famous than those who were elected; going on stadium tours, appearing on The Daily Show and writing big money autobiographies. Just ask Howard Dean. He found quitting the race for the Democratic nomination so fun-filled and fulfilling that he has dedicated his efforts to counseling other candidates to throw in the towel. He tried his best to convince Ralph Nader to take the plunge, advising him if he quit now, America would probably put his face on the $10 bill. (Ralph said no, claiming he didn't know who Howard Dean was and would he please stop calling.) Dean has also been furtively writing letters to candidate John Kerry, urging him to quit the race as well. The letters have been returned unopened by John Kerry's security team. Even George Bush has received Dean missives, mistaking them for letters from the Jimmy Dean sausage company, and writing back long complimentary mash notes about Heat N' Serve microwave patties.
SUNDAY, JULY 11
The New York Times reported today there are not enough priests in Ireland. Don't worry. There is still plenty of whisky. But apparently, now that Ireland isn't a poverty-ravaged, liquor-soaked wasteland, some boys have discovered there are other organizations to join that might be cooler--such as bands like U2. Only eight Roman Catholic clerical students are expected to be ordained in 2004 in all of Ireland, compared with 193 in 1990. This decline has forced Ireland, which has been providing the world with Father O'Malleys since St. Pat drove the snakes out, to look for small ways to attract its males back into a life of piety. Since ordaining women and married men is out of the question, this mostly includes stuff like mini bottles of Bushmills and two pairs of leather shoes a year. Interested? Contact the Irish embassy.