TUESDAY, AUGUST 17
Tragedy has struck! The wedding of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline is officially back ON again! How could this have happened? Is there no God? Nevertheless, a report from IMDB.com clearly states that Britney and Kevin have patched things up after their knockdown, drag-out battle yesterday, and have decided to move their wedding date from later this month to November 20th. And yes, this is the SECOND time it's been rescheduled. How many times are they going to ask us to "save the date"? There are only so many "dates" in the year, Britney! Omigod. We are SO furious right now! Meanwhile... In far more cheery news, Tinkerbell, the shaky millionaire Chihuahua belonging to Paris Hilton has been returned home safe and sound after a kidnapping scare. What's that? You didn't even know she was missing? Well, that's because you don't go jogging in the West Hollywood hills, which Paris blanketed with "Missing Chihuahua" posters. The Simple Life star had offered up a $5,000 reward for the pampered pooch after she went missing last Thursday, fearing Tinkerbell had been dog-napped or worse--eaten by coyotes. Happily, according to publicist Gina Hoffman, "Tinkerbell has been found and is safe." Though happy for Paris, we can't help but be suspicious--isn't it odd that both Tinkerbell came home and Mary-Kate Olsen was released from rehab on the very same day? Addiction is a very sad state of affairs, and she wouldn't be the first Chihuahua to beg, "Yo quiero Taco Bell."
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 18
Britney Spears--get out of our brain! The Britta made headlines again for the third day in a row, when former rival Christina Aguilera pulled her claws out of retirement to take a swipe at the pop princess. Regarding Britney's upcoming hasty wedding to Kevin Federline, X-tina sniped, "I know Britney. She's not trailer trash, but she sure acts that way." Ms. Aguilera then turned her rapier wit to the ring upon Brit's finger. "I can't believe that girl bought her own engagement ring! I've seen it up close. It looks like she got it on QVC." Meeeeee-OW! This aging kitten still knows how to spit! Meanwhile... As Britney's star plummets, Beyonce continues to rake in the dough. The former Destiny's Child just landed a whopper of a deal with hair care product manufacturers L'Oreal who have signed Ms. B to a five-year endorsement deal worth $4.7 million. And get this! The 22-year-old star is only required to work 10 DAYS A YEAR. In exchange, Beyonce must agree to 1) notify the company prior to any radical changes to her hair, 2) keep her lovely locks in tip-top condition, 3) allow L'Oreal to actually inspect Beyonce's hair with only two weeks notice, and 4) don't get fat. Hmmmm... we don't know. For only $4.7 million? Maybe we'll just keep our part-time job as a shampoo girl for Supercuts.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 19
Eeeeeeek! Make the Britney news stop! Okay, maybe just one more. According to Britain's The Mirror, Britney Spears puts dildos in her mouth. During an interview with the host of Brit show Popword, when cheeky host Simon Amstell asked her what was the last thing she had in her mouth, Britney replied, "a dildo." Later the stunned Amstell said, "I thought her answer would be something like chicken escalope." Meanwhile... In religious news, 8-year-old Haley Waldman of New Jersey had her first Holy Communion declared invalid because she refused to eat a wafer that contained wheat. Waldman suffers from a rare and potentially deadly digestive disorder that prohibits her from ingesting gluten, which the communion wafer is chock full of. However, church doctrine says that the wafer, like the bread served at the Last Supper, must contain at least some unleavened wheat--and unsurprisingly, the church is refusing to budge. In our opinion, personal safety should always trump tradition. For example: How would the priests feel if all the choirboy penises in the world were suddenly made of battery acid?
FRIDAY, AUGUST 20
This is how close the election is: The Bush campaign has started campaigning in Mexico. Wait a minute, you say, Mexico isn't a state. Is it? No. Your first instinct was correct. Mexico is not a state. But there are one million U.S. citizens who live there, and apparently 16 or 17 of them actually vote in U.S. presidential elections. Why? Because they can. So enamored is Bush of these 16 votes that he has sent in the big gun--we are speaking of course of his hot, young, Latin nephew George Prescott Bush (my God, how many are there?), son of the Florida governor and his Latina-ish wife. George Prescott will campaign in Mexico for four days. Though word is that he will not drop in on his migrant worker grandfather Jose Maria Garnica, who will probably be too busy sewing Nike swim trunks.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 21
The U.S. is finally cracking down on the scads of terrorists (many not even registered to vote) cascading into our country from the north. However, we don't want to catch them; we just want to watch them. So in an effort to increase surveillance, the U.S. has opened the first of five bases that will send out small planes to look for nefarious types crossing illegally into our swing states. This first base is located in Bellingham, Washington. This should worry you. But, "I am not a terrorist," you protest. Granted. But have you considered what impact this new initiative will have on the flow of British Columbia marijuana? Buy up kids, because the green pipeline is closing. The good news is that the border patrol will only operate flights eight hours a day. Ah, but which eight? Damn, these cats are tricky!
SUNDAY, AUGUST 22
The world media reported today that a 27-year-old Malaysian woman has entered a locked glass box crawling with more than 6,000 scorpions. She plans to stay in the box, which is located in a shopping mall, for 36 consecutive days, in the hopes of reclaiming the world record, which she set in 2001 when she lived for 30 days with 2,700 scorpions. She was stung seven times and fell unconscious, then had her record broken a year later by some Thai bitch. The world record craze is reportedly sweeping Malaysia, with recent records including "highest backward climb up a staircase," the "largest number of old people at a circus," and the "greatest number of heads shampooed in one day at a shopping mall." Note that none of these events feature poisonous arachnoids. When it comes to world records, some people just can't put their hearts into it.