TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 2
The people have spoken, and like it or not, the result is definitive. Today citizens from New York City to the West Coast were asking themselves, "After all our hard work, how could something like this happen?" Facts are facts, and there simply wasn't enough support from the more conservative Midwestern and southern states--and so today, without further ado, the CBS network announced they were canceling the Friday night Rob Lowe comedy/drama, dr. vegas. Premiering in September, dr. vegas starred Lowe--best known for his breakout performance as the sax-playing Billy Hicks in St. Elmo's Fire--as a wisecracking in-house physician at a Las Vegas casino "who has a rollicking after-hours lifestyle." However, with the current political climate dead set against "lifestyles" (particularly "rollicking after-hour" ones), the show will be replaced with reruns of the more culturally accepted CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. In his concession speech, Lowe encouraged Americans to put the show behind them, and "let the healing begin."
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 3
Today, against the wishes of every liberal media outlet in the world--especially this one--George W. Bush had the nerve to be re-elected President of the United States of America. Cries of "The people have spoken!" rang from the red states, quickly followed by those in the blue who replied, "and 'the people' are mentally retarded!" But it wasn't just knee-jerk liberal Hollywood types who were dumbfounded by the acute inbred idiocy of the Midwest and South, the foreign press had a field day as well. "How can 59,054,087 people be so DUMB?" cried the British tabloid Daily Mirror. In the Belgian daily De Morgan, the paper predicted "the president will become even more obsessed by the messianistic self-image he has created himself." Turkey's Radikal said American voters had "closed their ears to international public opinion," and Sweden's Svenska Dagbladet wrote, "How could it happen? Why didn't the voters realize that Bush's politics are bad for ordinary people?" Reached for comment, red state voters unanimously said, "Why would ah care what them durn foreigner papers say? Ah cain't even read!" The red states then resumed drinking moonshine out of a jug, and cornholing their sister behind the barn.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 4
Yesterday, President Bush made a vow to John Kerry's supporters promising to "work" for their support, doing "all I can to deserve your trust." Of course, that was yesterday. Today, Bush gave the finger to the Democrats and all of Kerry's supporters, vowing to aggressively pursue his own agenda--which, historically speaking, hasn't really worked out so well. "I earned capital in the campaign, political capital," Bush crowed to a group of high-falutin' New York Jew reporters. "And now I intend to spend it." Contending that a three-percentage point victory confirmed that America was firmly behind his conservative agenda, Bush promised to do everything he could to screw up Social Security and the tax code--with or without the Democrats' help. "When you win, there is a feeling that the people have spoken and embraced your point of view, and that's what I intend to tell the Congress," said our humble leader. But remember, everyone has a job in the new, omnipotent Bush administration--even losers like the Democrats. After all, who's going to clean up Dick Cheney's executive washroom?
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5
Fresh out of Halston? Yeslam Bin Ladin, half brother of Osama, is launching a new perfume. He originally intended to call it "Bin Ladin," but--although Osama spells his name "bin Laden," with is TOTALLY different that "Bin Ladin"--Yeslam came to fear that ladies might associate his perfume with carnage and fear rather than natural floral extracts. The cat's a marketing genius, no? So the name was changed to Yeslam, which definitely says "narcissus" to anyone even half paying attention. Yeslam hopes to make a lot of money off his perfume so he can expand into other areas of personal care products. Meanwhile, his brother's jihad against capitalist excess continues to run smoothly.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 6
If you are reading this in Lithuania, for Christ's sake, empty your wallet and run as fast as you can. According to today's New York Times, muckety-mucks have warned the country's 3.5 million population to be on the lookout for a radioactive U.S. $100 bill. The bill originally turned up in September when it set off alarms at an airport checkpoint, and was tucked away in a safe room. It was reported missing from that safe room earlier this week. No one knows why the bill is radioactive, and frankly, no one wants to know. But if you get a $100 bill in change at the Vilnius Wal-Mart, don't panic. Chances are that you'll be perfectly fine. Unless you're pregnant or a child. Then you'll probably get cancer.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 7
The Associated Press reported today that the school board in Grantsburg, Wisconsin has revised its science curriculum to allow the teaching of creationism. Their reasoning? School "should not be totally inclusive of just one scientific theory." Throw in some others! It's fun! Personally, we would like to see some alternatives to math. Who's ever actually seen an imaginary number? And what of Holocaust deniers and flat earth enthusiasts? It's really heartwarming that the public school system is finally embracing a more open-minded approach to education. God bless them. (See? We're fitting in better with the red states already!)