TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 23
According to court papers filed today, a Hmong immigrant from Laos suspected of killing six deer hunters in Wisconsin told authorities he was shooting in self-defense. The immigrant, Chai Vang, was said to have been sitting in a tree stand on private property when a group of hunters approached and asked him to leave. Witnesses say he climbed down from the tree, removed the scope from his rifle, and began shooting, emptying his clip into the hunters, eventually leaving six people dead and two wounded. Vang claims he was surrounded by the hunters, one of whom was pointing a gun. Scared, he began firing and admitted to chasing one of the hunters down to shoot him in the back. Vang was captured four hours later, and his bail has been set at $2.5 million. Said one particularly hateful local redneck, "It's pathetic. They let all these foreigners in here, and they walk all over everybody's property." There was an upside to this story, however, as this incident leaves the country with six fewer Republican voters.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 24
It's one day before Thanksgiving and bad moods continue to boil! Over-the-hill supermodel Naomi Campbell is currently being sued by her former personal assistant, Amie Castaldo, who claims her ex-employer hit her in the face, bit her on the lip, and yanked her to the floor screaming, "You fucking worthless bitch." And just so our personal assistant understands the importance of the previous story, THIS is what happens when one doesn't know the difference between a cappuccino and a café au lait. Meanwhile... Former star of Cheers and Troop Beverly Hills allegedly attempts suicide! According to British tabloid The Sun, 55-year-old Shelley Long has been rushed to the hospital after taking a nearly lethal dose of pain killers in an apparent attempt to end her own life. The actress, who played the literate and sexually repressed barmaid Diane Chambers on Cheers, has reportedly been suffering from bouts of deep depression and is the most recent victim of what many insiders are calling "The Cheers Curse." Not to belittle her condition, but Long should count her Thanksgiving blessings she hasn't ended up in the shoes of former Cheers cast members who have gone prematurely bald (Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson), wrapped a number of cars around a number of trees (Kelsey Grammer), or perhaps most horrifically of all, starred in a number of Pier One commercials (Kirstie Alley). Talk about wanting to commit suicide!
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 25
Okay, people! As of right NOW, all bad moods must come to an abrupt halt--because no matter how ridiculously stupid your life may be at this moment, at least you're not the bravely suffering Martha Stewart, who is currently serving a five-month prison sentence in "Camp Cupcake." Think about it: A person who has literally spent her entire life perfecting the art of holiday entertaining, and she's stuck on Thanksgiving day eating a prison turkey dinner that's been prepared without the proper basting sauce of a stick of butter and bottle of wine? Forget your Russian gulags--this is HELL. Incredibly, Martha is keeping her lip in a stiff upper position, and even wrote a message to her fans today from the big house. "I want you to know that I am well," Martha said in an open letter posted on Marthatalks.com. "As you would expect, the loss of freedom and the lack of privacy are extremely difficult. But I am safe, fit and healthy, and I am pleased to report that, contrary to rumors you might have heard, my daily interactions with the staff and fellow inmates are marked by fair treatment and mutual respect... For this friendship and support, I am very grateful this Thanksgiving." Martha went on to share her recipe for "Mulled Holiday Cider," which she made by fermenting some rotten potatoes in her cell's toilet.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 26
Today, America pulled its tryptophan-soaked fatty ass out of bed before dawn, stuffed itself into a Plymouth Voyager, and motored to the mall to celebrate her favorite holiday: Black Friday. Screw meals with the family, gift exchanges, hidden eggs, and parades--what we Americans love to do is shop. Confusing economy? Raging Middle Eastern war? Mountains of consumer debt? No worries! Apparently, America is confident and ready to spend a bundle this holiday season. Why? Because we feel like it. Remember, only stupid DIY hippies make holiday presents. Everyone else wants $15 CD players from Wal-Mart. And if you decide to knit us something, we swear to Baby Jesus we will take that $15 CD player we bought you and return it for store credit.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 27
Now, we all know that Auntie Ann is no prude when it comes to pharmacology. But it does strike us that if you're going to take a drug that could kill you, it might as well be something a little more fun than a cholesterol-lowering over-the-counter pill. (But who are we to judge?) In any case, if you've been given Baycol at any parties lately, you might want to make an appointment with your GP. According to the Associated Press, the government "is checking its records" to see if drug maker Bayer AG took necessary safety precautions when producing cholesterol-lowering Baycol. Apparently, people who mixed Baycol with gemfibrozil, another cholesterol-lowering drug, had elevated levels of an enzyme that accompanies muscle injury or had developed a rare muscle-wasting disorder. (What has Auntie Ann always said about mixing drugs? Never "like" with "like." It's just so basic.) The good news? If you developed rhabdomyolysis after using Baycol, you'll probably get a tidy settlement. That is, if you don't die a horrible death first.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 28
Fish-lipped actress Julia Roberts has birthed her brood. She and hubby Danny "I married Julia Roberts" Moder are parents to twins Hazel Patricia Moder and Phinnaeus Walter Moder. But, wait, you ask. Weren't those twins due in January?? Why, yes, you celebrity gossip maven, you! Roberts, 37, has been on bed rest the last month after experiencing early contractions. The twins were early (as twins often are), but mother and babies are doing just fine. (Note to the twins: watch out for your scary Uncle Eric. Seriously.)