TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 30
Today Tom Ridge--the nation's Director of Homeland Security--resigned from his post, leaving the door wide open for thousands of terrorists who are undoubtedly rushing into the country to kill us. Ridge, best known for creating color-coded terror alerts and walking around carrying a folder, is the seventh Bush Cabinet officer to resign since the election (sounds like the President needs to hire a Director of Human Resources). Though unable to actually prove he's done anything of significant value since taking over the new position, he did come up with the idea to duct tape our doors and windows to prevent chemical weapons poisoning. So... there's that. The married father of two, Ridge predictably said he's leaving his current position to spend more time with his brood, and "raise some family and personal matters to a higher priority." A priority so important, he may even raise it to code orange. Farewell, Tom Ridge. We'll miss making fun of you. And your stupid superfluous folder.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 1
The female horny patch is in the news again! As reported recently in One Day, a hormone patch developed by Proctor & Gamble to increase a woman's sex drive has been waiting to get approval from the FDA. Meanwhile, the MOA (men of America) have been saying, "Christ! I haven't had sex in six months! Haven't I waited long enough?!?" Well, sorry fellers. Looks like you're going to have to wait a wee bit longer while the Horny Patch goes back to the lab for additional testing. According to clinical trials, women who applied the patch to their abdomen twice weekly had one more "satisfying sexual event" than women who were given a placebo. See? There's your problem right there! We'll take a dildo over a placebo any day. Regardless, the FDA voted 13-4 that the "sexual event" derived from the patch was not "clinically meaningful." Boy, we'll say. Whatever happened to buying us dinner first?
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 2
Okay, Iraqis. Listen up. You are going to VOTE, and you are going to LIKE IT. President Bush is getting increasingly frustrated with the constant calls to delay next month's Iraqi elections, even though the majority of the country is still in chaos. The Iraqi interim government has been approached by no less than 17 political parties, all begging for the elections to be temporarily postponed--reportedly fearing for the voters' lives at the polling stations. "The elections should not be postponed," Bush said in that charming way he has of never listening to reason. "It's time for the Iraqi citizens to go to the polls, and that's why we are very firm on the January 30 date." Bush's spokesman Scott McClellan--who as of 5 pm today has not resigned--agreed with the President, saying that elections are essential to bringing about a stable and peaceful and democratic Iraq, and that "this will be an important milestone as they move away from their past of tyranny and oppression." He then added, "So start voting, or we'll give you something to be oppressed about!"
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3
Secretary Tommy Thompson resigned today (making him the 8th Bush Cabinet member to flee the sinking ship), leaving the public with one final word of advice: Watch the falafel. "For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do," Thompson marveled. "We are importing a lot of food from the Middle East, and it would be easy to tamper with that." Wow. Thanks a hell of a lot, Tommy! Why don't you just send them a personal invitation to poison our hummus? You've really screwed us this time. Looks like it's just Linda McCartney frozen entrees from now on--which already taste like poison!
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 4
The New York Times reported today that the BBC was duped into interviewing a man who claimed to be a spokesman for Dow Chemical. In the interview, the "spokesman" acknowledged responsibility for the 1982 industrial disaster in Bhopal, India, in which chemical gas killed more than 3500 people and created a bit of an international ruckus. (Note to BBC: the "taking responsibility" thing should have been your first clue.) The BBC's defense? "He was incredibly plausible." Apparently some BBC employees had gotten his contact info off what they believed to be Dow Chemical's Web site. They contacted him and before you could say "Dan Rather," the "spokesman" was in a BBC studio in Paris. He has since admitted to being a fraud, though maintains that he was speaking "in a certain way" for Dow. Meanwhile, Dow, impressed with the man's ability at deceiving the media, has offered him a job as spokesman.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 5
The French decided today that maybe it's NOT such a bon idea to hide plastic explosives in airplane luggage. Back on Friday, when the French thought it WAS a good idea, they hid some explosives in a piece of passenger luggage in an effort to train bomb-sniffing dogs. But the bomb-sniffing dogs apparently suck at their jobs, because they lost track of the luggage on a conveyer belt at Charles de Gaulle airport, which means that the luggage was probably loaded into the belly of its owner's flight. This means that somewhere there is a poor schmuck with nearly five ounces of explosives tucked neatly into his or her suitcase. The French have said that as of today no passenger has contacted authorities to report discovering the explosives. But then, the passenger in question is probably currently standing on a box with electrodes attached to his penis in some Homeland Security prison.