TUESDAY, JANUARY 25
Today the Razzie nominations were announced, striking fear into the hearts of the marginal actor community. As opposed to the Oscars, the Razzies use this day every year to "celebrate" the very WORST in American cinema. And for "Worst Picture 2004" the nominees are… White Chicks (starring Shawn and Marlon Wayons--who also received a "worst actress" nod), Surviving Christmas (the utterly abysmal Ben Affleck vehicle), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (shouldn't they nominate movies at least one person has seen?), Catwoman (Halle Berry's most horrific performance since Monster's Ball), and finally what we consider to be the crap de la crap of 2004, Alexander (in which Oliver Stone somehow found a way to make Colin Farrell making out with another guy look boring). Among the nominees for worst actor and actress were such luminaries as Affleck, Vin Diesel, Hilary Duff, Angelina Jolie, Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen, Ben Stiller, and even George W. Bush himself was nominated for Fahrenheit 9/11. In fact, the President was so thrilled by the nomination he immediately sent top members of the GOP back to Ohio to once again tamper with the voting booths.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 26
And speaking of voting, who's ready for the big election coming up in Iraq? Apparently, NOBODY! That is, unless you have a penchant for death threats, assassinations, ambushes, and kidnappings. Add this to the string of car bombings, a U.S. military helicopter crash (killing 30), and insurgents who were handing out leaflets warning voters they would "see your family's blood wash the streets of Baghdad"--well, one starts to get the feeling it might be kind of dangerous to vote this weekend. Thankfully, there's the calm, reasonable voice of President Bush who called on Iraqis today to "defy terrorism," and go to the polls despite the relentless attacks. But that's not all! As an added incentive, every Iraqi who steps into the polling booth will receive a free button that says, "I am a traitor in collusion with the Western devils, and am awaiting a visit from the angel of death."
THURSDAY, JANUARY 27
According to a soon to be released book about the treatment of Muslim detainees in Guantanamo Bay, female interrogators were often used in weirdly sexual ways in order to pry information out of terror suspects. Former Army Sgt. Erik R. Saar, the author of the book, claims he witnessed 20 interrogations in all and noted highly "disturbing" practices. Using the knowledge that Islamic law strictly forbids physical contact with women other than a man's wife or family, Saar documents seeing female interrogators using such methods as "touching her breasts, rubbing them against the prisoner's back and commenting on his apparent erection." Other examples include prancing around in thong underwear, and in one particularly harsh case, using red ink to simulate menstrual blood, which the interrogator then rubbed on a detainee's face. (Islamic law also considers menstruating women "unclean.") After six months, Saar left Guantanamo after becoming disillusioned with his mission. The book, titled Inside the Wire, is due out later this year. Conversely, the 545 detainees currently imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay will not be out for quite a long time.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 28
Dead bodies are hot, hot, hot. In fact, in the wake of CSI, attractive people are flocking into the field of forensic science in numbers unseen since Quincy went off the air. Sure, morgues can be exciting and are chockfull of spiky-haired hotties, but they can also be kind of gross and scary. To wit, the Associated Press reported today that a medical examiner was deeply surprised to discover that the corpse he was poking at was still breathing. EMTs had declared the 29-year-old dead almost two hours earlier, after he was hit by a car. This is how it happened: The medical examiner was called to the scene where he apparently declared the man dead just a bit prematurely (he must have been distracted by all the stud interns). He was then finishing up some paperwork back at the morgue when he noticed the man was still alive. Eek! The "corpse" was taken to Duke University Medical Center in Durham, where it is in critical condition. Several less attractive members of the Franklin County emergency medical service have been suspended pending an investigation.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 29
Commentator-gate grew in scope today when the Bush administration fessed up to paying off a third "impartial" conservative journalist. It seems that Michael McManus, a weekly syndicated columnist, was paid ten grand to help train counselors about marriage, which some believe is code for "hocking Bush's marriage policies." In the spirit of full disclosure, we would like to come clean. We, too, have received large amounts of administration funds to push a conservative agenda. You see, all that gossip about Lindsay Lohan was a lie. It was all a vicious neo-con plot to discredit Ms. Lohan and promote her as a Hollywood harlot. Ashcroft hoped she would prove a cautionary tale for the red state young. For our part in this effort we were paid $5,000 and given a year's membership to Curves health club. We have turned in our Curves card. And from now on, you have our commitment that ALL gossip reported in this column is totally, 100 percent bona fide. (We have never lied about Paris Hilton. That shit you can't make up.)
SUNDAY, JANUARY 30
President Bush reveled today in the comparatively peaceful elections in his favorite colony, Iraq. "The people of Iraq have spoken to the world, and the world is hearing the voice of freedom from the center of the Middle East," Bush said in a speech as he peed his pants with pride. He then took a victory lap around the rose garden only to learn that, in fact, his name was not on the Iraqi ballot, and therefore he was not in the running for Viceroy. However, due to some irregularities in Ohio, he still won.