TUESDAY, MARCH 29
It was "He Said/She Said" day, when the Michael Jackson "Trial of the Millennium™" featured two expert witnesses--each scoring points for both sides. Psychologist Dr. Stan Katz scored a bulls-eye for the prosecution when he testified that 13-year-olds--the same age as the accuser when Jackson allegedly molested him--make "very, very few bogus claims" primarily because they are afraid of being labeled as gay. But the tide turned when flight attendant Cynthia Ann Bell (the stewardess working on the plane when the accuser was allegedly getting licked on the head, and given alcohol by Jackson) claimed she was the one who invented "Jesus Juice"--wine in a Coke can--and called the child an unruly "odd bird" (apparently, she's British). "Well, Mr. Jackson is a very private drinker," Bell said with a stiff upper lip. "I went ahead and initiated serving him [Kendall-Jackson wine] in a Diet Coke can." She went on to note that the accuser was "unusually rude" and "discourteous," saying things like "Serve me my food. This isn't warm. I got this watch from Michael, and it's really expensive." The child also allegedly acted like a rock star, threw his book bag at her, and flung mashed-potatoes at the in-flight doctor. The kid then set up a series of ingenious traps involving flying paint cans and marbles on the floor to catch a couple of bumbling crooks… waitasecond. That's Macaulay Culkin… and he's not even taking the stand until next week! Geez, we've gotta lay off this Jesus Juice!
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30
Speaking of "Trials of the Millenniums™," Johnnie Cochran, one of the most famous faces of the O.J. Simpson murder trial, passed away today at the age of 67. The celebrity attorney--who also represented Michael Jackson and Sean "H.R. Puff 'n' Diddy" Combs--perished from a brain tumor. When asked at the Pearly Gates whether or not he should be allowed into heaven, Cochran said, "If the horns do not fit, you must acquit." He got sent to hell anyway. Meanwhile… A psychiatric patient named "Pimp Juice" has written the New York Daily News to offer Paris Hilton $52 million a year to work in his stable of 'hos and become a high price prostitute. After reportedly weighing the offer, Paris eventually declined, claiming it would be "a lateral move." Hot-cha-cha!
THURSDAY, MARCH 31
"Feeding Tube Frenzy 2005" came to an end today when the vegetative Terry Schiavo passed away following 13 days of legal wrangling and bitter boo-hooing from idiotic Christian conservatives. But for those who just can't survive without seeing someone strapped to a tube, the Pope has graciously agreed to pick up the slack. The pontiff, after developing a high fever and urinary tract infection, was hooked up to a feeding tube earlier today (and no, we have no idea if it's the same one… but if it was, we're sure they sterilized it). Meanwhile… Remember all that evidence about Iraq's nuclear capabilities that the U.S. Intelligence community supplied President Bush; information that Bush ultimately used to lead America into war? Turns out that info was "dead wrong." A presidential commission determined the deadness of this info, offering a damning report of the U.S. intelligence community's intelligence regarding pre-war Iraq. Said the report, quote, "Across the board, the intelligence community knows disturbingly little about the nuclear programs of many of the world's most dangerous actors." So not only do they know nothing about Iraq, Iran and North Korea, they know even less about Robert Blake, O.J. Simpson, and Shannen Doherty!
FRIDAY, APRIL 1
This just in… Ms. Wheelchair Wisconsin stands! However, pageant officials refuse to recognize her triumph as a miracle, and instead strip her of her title. For those of you who don't follow the disabled pageant circuit--a recap: Janeal Lee uses a scooter because of her muscular dystrophy, but a recently circulated photograph proves that she can indeed stand unaided. This shocking revelation has shaken the Ms. Wheelchair Wisconsin pageant to the tires. Clearly, Ms. Lee is not disabled enough to represent the disabled. Certainly she would agree to be hobbled in order to retain her tiara? No? Then she must not want it badly enough. A little digging by yours truly turns up why. It seems that her younger sister, also a muscular dystrophy patient, is Ms. Wheelchair Minnesota. She's got another avenue to the national crown! With any luck, Janeal's sister's M.S. is worse than hers.
SATURDAY, APRIL 2
So the Pope finally died today. Hmmm… we guess they didn't sterilize his feeding tube after all.
SUNDAY, APRIL 3
After 30 years of waiting, Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles have announced they may wait one more day, so that their wedding doesn't conflict with the Pope's funeral, which is quickly shaping up to be the party "in which to see, and be seen." Don't you hate it when you plan an event and someone else plans an event on the very same day and invites all the same people? It's so rude. You spend a fortune on oven treats, send out an Evite, clean the house, and then, whoops! It turns out that so-and-so is ALSO having a Super Bowl party and so-and-so's TV is, like, four times the size of yours, so guess where everyone is going to want to be? Suddenly all your "yes" RSVPs are turning into "maybes," which are just "nos" by people who are too passive to be honest about the fact they would rather stab themselves in the neck than come to your party, which the word around the office says is going to suck anyway. Like the Vatican didn't know that Friday was Chuck and Cammy's thing. Like they couldn't have scheduled their little get-together for Saturday. Honestly. We're thinking of not traveling to Rome for the funeral just out of protest.