TUESDAY, MAY 17
And speaking of stories that are hard to believe, actor Tom Cruise and Dawson Creeker Katie Holmes are still adamantly insisting to the press that they're "in love." However, because nobody believes a word of what the media says since this whole Newsweek debacle, Tom has been forced to take his half-baked confession to the only reliable news source left on the planet: Access Hollywood. "I love this woman," Tom said in a tone that was not defensive in the least. "I'm not going to hide it. I am not going to pretend or hide it… I'm really, really happy, and I'm not going to pretend." Okay! Okay! We get it, Tom! You're in "love" with a second-rate TV actress, you're not "hiding" anything, and you're certainly not "pretending." Now can you let go of our arm? You're starting to creep us out! Meanwhile… The train wreck of the century crashed directly into America's television sets tonight, when the UPN network debuted its newest reality show, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. Fed up with unreliable news organizations like those jerks at Newsweek, Britney decided to take matters into her own pudgy hands and document her relationship with Kevin "Korn Fed" Federline with a handheld home video camera. The result? An hour of looking up Spears nostrils, and deep inside Kevin's plumber's crack. Plus we get an intimate peek into the complex mental processes of Britney Spears as she struggles to understand love, sex, and marriage--all while laughing like a horse with a deviated septum. In short… absolute brilliance!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 18
Think the prosecution in the Michael Jackson "Trial of the Millennium™" had a knack for digging up the dirt on the King of Pop? Well, the defense proved this week they can sling mud with the best of 'em. According to testimony, the two brothers who accused Jackson of getting them loaded and molesting them are nothing but a couple of demanding, drunken little sex fiends (but c'mon--at that age, weren't we all?). A former Neverland security guard claimed to catch the boys with a half-empty bottle of wine, while a maid said she found porno mags in one of the boys' backpacks. Yet another witness said he once caught the two brothers "like, jacking off and everything," to naked girls on cable TV. But the best testimony came from ex-chef's assistant Angel Vivanco who claimed that the then 12-year-old accuser would routinely threaten his job security in order to get snack foods, screaming, "Get me the fucking Cheetos!" He also testified that the boy's brother would often demand tequila-spiked milk shakes. Obviously, these boys needed some adult guidance--starting with something like, "tequila goes with salt and lime, not milk and ice cream, you little idiot." Michael should be ashamed of himself.
THURSDAY, MAY 19
Apparently, some kind of Star Wars movie opened today, because there was not a single nerd to be found anywhere. It was like a "nerd rapture" where God suddenly reached down from the heavens and snatched up every four-eyed geek in sight. And though this mass disappearance only lasted for a few short wonderful hours, it gave us a short glimpse of what the world could be--and for that, we'd like to say "Thank you, George Lucas, for that new little Star Wars movie of yours. Now, could you make just a few hundred more?"
FRIDAY, MAY 20
Move over Brad Pitt, there's a hot new pin-up in the news. Today British and American newspapers published photos of Saddam Hussein in his skivvies. (Like you didn't cut them out and tuck them carefully under your mattress.) The artistic semi-nudes showed the hubba hubba hunk dictator-turned-jailbait, engaged in sexy everyday acts like doing laundry. (Note to male readers: women love it when you do laundry. It makes us crazy. ) The Sun and The New York Post claim that a U.S. military type provided the smut in exchange for "more than 500 pounds" and a subscription to Hunky Tyrant Monthly. The Red Cross has said the pictures may violate the Geneva Conventions. We assume they mean ours.
SATURDAY, MAY 21
What's happened to Lindsay Lohan's boobs? The internet has been abuzz of late with rumors of an eating disorder after the tarty teen appeared in public slimmed down, newly blonde, and without her trademark bosom. Lohan denies the allegations, insisting that her skinny new bod is due to her exercise regime in preparation for her new film Fashionistas. Lohan is also rumored to be up for a part Scarlett Johansson just bailed on opposite Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible III. Uh oh. Nicole Kidman. Penelope Cruz. Katie Holmes. Not an under-wire between them. Could LL have shed her boobs to bolster her play for Katie's new honey? If Tom trades that far down, we'll know he's gay.
SUNDAY, MAY 22
Americans are internationally renown for our gullibility (Europe is still giggling over that WMD fiasco). We may play at being sophisticated and world weary, but underneath it all we're just a bunch of saps looking to be entertained by another bunch of saps. So it was especially shocking to learn that 62 percent of the most American among us--the readers of People Magazine--believe that the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes romance is nothing more than a sham and a publicity stunt. Now, WE believe it's a sham. But you? YOU, America? Where is that Rock Hudson, Tab Hunter, Tony Perkins lovin', wide-eyed fan we used to know? Where is your faith in celebrity, America? Was it lost with Lindsay Lohan's mammary glands? Keep the faith. Or stop watching the news. Once the curtain is raised, believe us, you don't want to even know what's going on out there.