MONDAY, MAY 23

The most respected pillar of American journalism, Access Hollywood, has been airing a week-long special on Tom Cruise and his belief in Scientology--and all we can say is, "Thanks for reminding us that Tom is freaking bonkers." Apparently dating former Dawson's Creeker Katie Holmes isn't enough to torpedo his career, because now Tom is using tabloid entertainment shows to declare war on psychiatrists. Scientology--an organized belief started by the awful writer of Battlefield Earth--takes a hard-line stance against psychiatry for using drugs to treat mental disorders. "I'm going right after psychiatry and these false labels and this pseudo-science," Cruise said with a look that could be interpreted as crazy, were it not for that adorable and cocksure grin. He then went on to lambaste actress Brooke Shields for taking Paxil to fight post-natal depression. "These drugs are dangerous," he said. "What you do is you use vitamins to help a woman through those things. I think [Brooke] is an incredibly talented woman. You look at her [and wonder] where has her career gone?" Turns out Brooke is currently getting rave reviews for her portrayal of Roxie Hart in the London stage production of Chicago… but just think where she would be if she had taken her Flintstones Chewables! MeanwhileHotel heiress/amateur porn producer Paris Hilton continues stooping to conquer, grabbing headlines for starring in a sexy hamburger commercial. The ad, which is presumably trying to make a connection between Carl's Jr.'s new jalapeno-stuffed burger and cunnilingus, features Hilton soaping down a Bentley while orgasmically chomping into a juicy meat sandwich. This is then followed by the Paris-inspired tag line, "That's hot." Unfortunately, the LA-based Parents Television Council doesn't agree and claims the ad violates decency standards. "This commercial is basically soft-core porn," said PTC director Melissa Caldwell, who obviously hasn't watched much Cinemax. But don't worry! Paris was quick to defend her burger's honor! "This burger is really hot," she said on the commercial's website SpicyParis.com. "There's like these fried jalapenos on it. It's really like juicy and tasty." Friends of Hilton expect Paris and the burger to get married in Las Vegas later on this year.

TUESDAY, MAY 24

What happens when good gossip goes bad? Ask the embarrassed news team at E! Online, who quickly posted--and even more quickly YANKED--a story declaring that dullard pop stars Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey had gotten a divorce. The story, entitled "Jessica Simpson Goes Solo," was posted on the entertainment website at 2:20 pm Pacific time, and within 45 minutes disappeared faster than one of Nick's CDs tumbling off the top 40. "E! has confirmed that Simpson filed for divorce Tuesday in Los Angeles Superior Court, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for the end of her two-and-a-half-year marriage to Lachey," read the report, before E! realized it wasn't confirmed at all and they were full of shit. But what's worse than having your journalistic credibility besmirched? Having to apologize to Jessica Simpson! "E! apologizes to Nick, Jessica, their families, and their fans for any distress this may have caused," read a public statement released later today. Both Nick and Jessica accepted the entertainment site's apology, and promised fans they would not be getting divorced until Thursday at the earliest.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 25

Speaking of disgraced news organizations, Newsweek is still in the hot seat for reporting that U.S. interrogators at Guantanamo Bay flushed a copy of the Koran down the toilet to get the goat of detainees. However, while no one can say for sure whether or not a flushing actually occurred, U.S. officials today substantiated five cases of military guards or interrogators "mishandling" copies of the Koran--but refused to provide any further details. However, they would say that of the five examples, the "mishandling" seemed to have been "deliberate" in three of the cases, and "accidental" in the other two. Okay… so maybe the deliberate cases went down like this: one guard dog-eared the pages while reading himself to sleep, a shorter interrogator used the Koran to boost himself up at the dinner table, while yet another used the holy book along with a cleaver and bowling ball for his juggling act in the annual Guantanamo Bay Talent Show. And as for the "accidental" cases? Both accidentally happened when guards used the Koran to accidentally beat the detainees over the head.

THURSDAY, MAY 26

Sorry Michael Jackson fans! Superior Court Judge Rodney S. Melville ruled today that you will not be allowed to see Jackson's blotchy penis. According to prosecutors in the "Trial of the Millennium™" the alleged 12-year-old victim who has accused Jackson of molesting him "had knowledge of the existence of [a] particular spot" on the King of Pop's genitals. In their investigation, police had photographed Jackson's penis, and then asked the accuser to draw a picture of it. The prosecution would then try to use these objects d'art to prove Jackson pursued hanky-panky with the lad. Unfortunately for internet downloaders everywhere, the judge refused to allow the jury to see the pix. "I'm going to deny the request to bring in the evidence of the blemished penis," said Judge Melville, not realizing how hilarious he is. That means fans will have to see Jackson's penis the old-fashioned way--by visiting Neverland, and pulling it out of their 10-year-olds' bottom. KIDDING! KIDDING! THAT'S A BIG, DUMB, INAPPROPRIATE JOKE, AND MICHAEL IS INNOCENT OF ALL CHARGES!

FRIDAY, MAY 27

In exciting news for those of us just a smidge over 30 who still feel about 30 years away from wanting to have kids, it was reported today that a 57-year-old woman has given birth to twins. The blessed event took place in Alabama and was made possible by in vitro fertilization and a deep disregard for public opinion. The happy couple also has four great-grandchildren, making their new babies their grandchildren's great great uncles. Why did they want to drop tots so late in life? Apparently the old coots have a six-year-old that they don't want to grow up as an only child. Right. Because that might really fuck him up.

SATURDAY, MAY 28

Police announced today that Oliver Stone has been arrested on suspicion of drug possession and driving while intoxicated. Stone was nabbed at a police checkpoint on Sunset Boulevard after showing signs of alcohol intoxication. They were going to let him off but then they noticed he was driving a Mercedes, and as all police officers know, Mercedes are always chockfull of illicit substances (apparently they fill the wheel wells with coke back at the factory). Sure enough, a search of the car turned up drugs. Naturally, Stone claims he was set up by the New Orleans mob and the CIA, and was released this morning into the custody of Jack Osbourne after posting bail.

SUNDAY, MAY 29

Fans of racecar driving and women were thrilled today by an event featuring both. Danica Patrick, a 23-year-old with a vagina, was one of the few such humans to ever race in the Indianapolis 500. Some Indy enthusiasts believed Patrick had a chance to win the race, though most thought Patrick was a man and asked what his last name was so they could bet on him to win against the uppity wench bent on ruining the male-dominated sport. Patrick did not win, but she did come in fourth. Next time she plans to add a lower concentration of puppy dog tails to her fuel of sugar and spice.