TUESDAY, JULY 12
According to the New York Daily News, author Michael Luckman is coming out with a book that supposedly documents Michael Jackson's quest for immortality--and building up a library of sperm samples. Luckman, who met with Jackson last year, alleges the acquitted pop star is investigating a number of ways to achieve eternal life, including drinking a Romanian developed elixir named GH3 (which supposedly makes one live longer), and having his body cryogenically frozen so he can be resurrected sometime in the future. Jackson has also been reportedly depositing sperm samples in banks around the world. (Geez, we'd hate to be the janitors in those banks.) Meanwhile… What do abortion, masturbation, and Harry Potter have in common? Well, besides that most teens have experimented with all three, the new Pope hates them! German writer Gabriele Kuby has penned a deeply uninteresting sounding book entitled Harry Potter-Good or Evil, which pooh-poohs J.K. Rowling's enormously profitable series about the boy wizard. And she backs up her case with quotes from Pope Benedict, written to her when he was still just a lowly, sniveling cardinal. "It's good that you enlighten people about Harry Potter," said his haughty Holiness, "because these are subtle seductions which act unnoticed and by this deeply distort Christianity in the soul before it can grow properly." Hey Pope! You're just jealous because Harry Potter has that cool lightning shaped scar, and the witch you worship (Jesus) only has dumb stigmata marks.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 13
In the lamest attempt yet to draw attention away from the fact he's banging Angelina Jolie, hunky actor Brad Pitt has contracted viral meningitis. Oh sure, Pitt covered it up well--prancing into the hospital on Monday, complaining of "flu-like symptoms." But just when we were lured into complacency? Bam! BRAD PITT HAS VIRAL MENINGITIS; TEETERS AT DEATH'S DOOR! Turns out that viral meningitis is only dangerous to those with compromised immune systems--and Brad Pitt knows only too well he's healthy as a horse! It's a well known fact you can't be out of shape and bang Angelina Jolie (Billy Bob Thornton not withstanding). So don't be distracted by the adorable Ethiopian orphans, the $150 million box office of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and these fake attempts at perishing to a semi-deadly disease; you broke Jennifer Aniston's heart, Brad Pitt! And we will never forgive you!
THURSDAY, JULY 14
Got your mittens on? Because that cold day in hell has finally arrived: The head of the Republican party apologized to a nation of African Americans today for using "racial polarization to win elections." Party Chairman Ken Mehlman made the sweeping apology while addressing this year's NAACP convention, saying, "Some Republicans gave up on winning the African American vote, looking the other way or trying to benefit politically from racial polarization. I am here as Republican chairman to tell you we were wrong." Unfortunately for Mehlman, his apology was met with a somewhat tepid response from the audience, which even included some groans and laughs. It seems the apology would've seemed a bit more sincere had it come from President Bush himself, who has declined numerous invitations to speak before the NAACP. When asked if an apology from the President would've carried more weight, Mehlman said that Bush was busy speaking to the Black Expo in Indianapolis (a considerably smaller and less politically active group). "It's not simply who you speak to, it's what you speak about." Bush's topic at the Black Expo? "I hired Condoleeza Rice. See? I like black people!"
FRIDAY, JULY 15
Rumored randy Angie ex Jude Law is nothing more than a copulation-crazed alley cat on a mission to spread his tabby seed. (And this, ladies, is why you should always have your Tomcats neutered.) According to London's Sunday Mirror, Law cheated on his It-Girl squeeze Sienna Miller with his children's nanny, 26-year-old Daisy Wright, earlier this year. The kicker? The nanny reports they were caught pants down by one of Law's tots. "It was mind-blowing, rampant sex," she reported. "He is a great lover and he knows how to satisfy a woman. The next thing I knew I heard the door open and the child was looking at me in bed. Jude woke up and the child said, 'Daddy, I'm having a bad dream.' Jude said, 'It's all right darling, go back to bed.' The next thing I know, Jude was inside me again. It was fantastic." The nanny is no longer employed by the family. Weird.
SATURDAY, JULY 16
According to the New York Times a tee-ball coach paid one of his child players 25 bucks to hurl a ball at the noggin of a mentally disabled 8-year-old teammate so the boy would not be able to play in the game. After all, why should one retarded little boy bring down the whole team, right? Tiny thing: Turns out it's illegal to pay someone to beat up a child--even a retarded one--and the coach is being charged with criminal solicitation to commit aggravated assault. We always suspected this sort of thing went on. Maybe that's why the kids who were swinging bats at us always had cash.
SUNDAY, JULY 17
Saucy bad boy Colin Farrell has been accused of making a raunchy sex tape with his Playboy bunny (now ex) girlfriend. A helpful citizen contacted PageSix.com with news of the celeb porn, but don't get too excited--the video will remain unavailable for public consumption until Farrell and his strumpet sign release forms. But here's the scoop, just so you can imagine it later. Apparently, the tape begins with the naked strumpet in her living room putting on some music, and supposedly concludes with the camera focusing on her white cat, with Farrell saying, "Baby, you have the most beautiful pussy." The educational film also features various Kama Sutra positions. You know, Colin, you and Jude should get together. You both like cats.