TUESDAY, JULY 19
In a shocking move, President Bush nominated Angelina Jolie's adopted Ethiopian baby to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court. Okay, that's not true. But it does prove we'd hate almost ANYBODY that Bush nominates. In actuality, he gave the nod to the solidly conservative Republican appeals court judge John Roberts--again, who nobody but other conservative Republicans like. Especially aggravated was the American Civil Liberties Union, who expressed "deep concern" over Roberts' nomination, citing that as a former deputy solicitor general, he backed the "criminalization of flag burning as a form of political protest." Pro-Choice groups pooh-poohed Roberts for co-authoring a brief that suggested the Supreme Court should overturn legalized abortion. We don't like him because he looks like every other white male honky cracker that's tried to control women for the last two centuries. See? Angelina's Ethiopian baby is looking better by the second.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 20
Newsflash! Celebrities love animals, too! (Though sometimes a wee bit too much.) According to FemaleFirst.com, shapely screen hottie Jessica Alba has admitted to tongue-kissing a lesbian monkey. Says Jessica, "I was shooting a special for MTV and they told me all I had to do was push my lips out a little, and the monkey would give me a peck. But instead she rammed her tongue inside my mouth and swept it all around in a circle. She touched every inch in there! It was the most disgusting thing, ever!" After hearing of the incident, every nerd in America rushed out to buy a monkey suit. Meanwhile… Tragedy has struck Kevin Bacon's dog, the victim of a horrible eye-popping-out incident. According to Kevin's wife, actress Kyra Sedgwick, "It was like a Lhasa Apso, or something, with these eyes that bulge out. One day a big dog barked at it and one of its eyes actually popped out. And Kevin said, 'Oh my God! The dog's eye popped out!' He gets scared of things like that. So I pushed [the eye] back in, and it was fine. I don't know what you're supposed to do. [The dog] just looked confused." It sounds to us like Kevin's dog was lucky. According to most veterinarians, when replacing a dog's eyeball one should first always roll it around in Jessica Alba's mouth.
THURSDAY, JULY 21
Whether it's a monkey's or Jessica Alba's tongue, don't bother offering it to some of the inmates at Guantanamo Bay--they're on a hunger strike. 52 detainees of the 500 currently imprisoned at the military base in Cuba have begun refusing food to protest their ongoing and seemingly endless detention. So far they have refused nine consecutive meals, calling it a "peaceful, nonviolent strike until demands are met," otherwise their intention is "starvation until death." According to the Center for Constitutional Rights, the prisoners' demands include "clean food and water, better medical care, more access to sunlight, contact with relatives, greater respect for their religion--including an end to desecration of the Koran--and fair trials with proper legal representation." Or in other words, to be treated like human beings. Though we're behind them 100 percent, they should still consider themselves lucky--had they been retarded and on death row in Texas, Bush would've executed them years ago.
FRIDAY, JULY 22
The New York Times reported today that authorities have shut down a 360-foot tunnel between the U.S. and Canada. The tunnel, the longtime dream of five hardworking agricultural entrepreneurs, began under a Quonset hut, continued under a highway, and ended up in a Lynden, Washington living room. It was even equipped with lights and a ventilation system. What a marvel; what a triumph of modern design! It was a really, really beautiful tunnel. But the true genius of the tunnel was its utilitarian aspects, primarily as an agricultural crop transportation tool. Unknown to the five entrepreneurs, however, authorities had been watching the construction of the tunnel for six months. They watched them work and work and dig and dig. The tunnel opened. Oh, the joy! The satisfaction! The entrepreneurs wept with pride and delight. And what do the authorities do? They immediately seal it and arrest the entrepreneurs for their trouble. So much for Canada and America working together toward a common goal!
SATURDAY, JULY 23
What's this? Julia Roberts--a criminal? Guilty as charged. Residents of Santa Monica, California were disturbed and enraged when Roberts was spotted brazenly driving about their burg in her Prius with EXPIRED registration tags. Roberts who, thank Christ, did not have her twin children in the car, basically dared the local PD to shoot to kill, with tags that read "April 2005." A local resident said what was on everyone's minds: "It's ridiculous! While I understand it's quite normal to be a few days late, three months is just crazy. If an everyday person with a 9-5 can remember to get it done within a timely fashion, a movie star with a staff to help remind her certainly should be able to." Oh, Danny Moder--what have you done to corrupt our ingénue so?
SUNDAY, JULY 24
In a shocking development, an unknown American has won the Tour de France. The French were so surprised by the unexpected peddle power of American underdog Lance Armstrong that they handed over the title as soon as he bicycled into Paris, with 30 minutes still to go in the race. Also it was raining, therefore it seemed silly for everyone to stand around getting wet when they didn't need to. The French hate frizzy hair. Meanwhile, media representatives scrambled to research the mysterious athlete so that they could bring his story to the American people. If only he had something in his past that could be exploited… We'll never know. The anonymous bicyclist was so overcome with his unexpected victory that he immediately retired.