Illustration by Martha Rich

US WOMENFOLK often assume that men are simple, that all they need is a six-pack and some Extreme Doritos. But men are actually quite complicated, kinda like onions; they make you cry, and have weird little hairs on their bottom.

They're no easier to figure out in the sack—some like getting head, others like their nipples tickled whilst getting slapped with a live sea bass. Because every man is different, and you don't have time to ask him what he likes, we've made it easier for you by compiling this list of the TOP 10 THINGS THAT ALL MEN ARE JUST DYING FOR!

1. Pretending his penis is a laser.

2. Cupping his ball sack with a teaspoon. (If it doesn't quite fit, use two.)

3. Singing his mother's favorite nursery rhyme while you ride him.

4. Calling him a "homosexual genius" while he goes down on you.

5. Sticking your two index fingers up his nostrils and whistling "Ring of Fire" while he's on top.

6. Sticking inanimate objects in his butt.

7. Sticking animate objects in his butt.

8. Shouting "Your brother is hotter!" when he makes you come.

9. Making racist jokes while tickling him.

10. Abstaining from sex.