Illustration by Martha Rich

IT'S A FACT of science: Women look at things differently from us dudes. It's like they wear special "WomenVision" glasses that give them the power to know when we want sex (always) or haven't changed our underpants in three days.

Women will think of any excuse they can to avoid having sex with me, so that's why I've learned to be extra sneaky—and I can teach you, too! Here's the most important thing to know: The woman's most erotic organ is the brain. Getting inside her mind is the quickest way of getting inside her pants... so learn and use the following "pleasure-button" words that will finger her parietal lobes and make her cerebellum soaking wet:

1. Moist (e.g., "I enjoy your vaginal moistness.")

2. Shaft (e.g., "Behold my veiny, throbbing shaft.")

3. Mount (e.g., "May I mount you, my mare?")

4. Folds (e.g., "Mmmm... your feminine folds are so thick I can't find anything.")

5. Glisten (e.g., "Behold the glistening pre-ejaculate that adorns my veiny, throbbing shaft.")

6. Fassbender (e.g., "I am sexually attracted to Michael Fassbender—but not in a homo way.")

7. Panties (e.g., "Try on these My Little Pony panties.")

8. Orifice (e.g., "Let's rub our orifices together.")

9. Fondle (e.g., "I will fondle your mammaries, in addition to fondling your clitoris.")

10. Creamy manhood (e.g., "You may call me Dairy Queen—because I put creamy manhood in your cone.")