WHAT'S HE REALLY THINKING? 

Good advice from Phil "I'm-a-Hussy" Busse

Dear Phil:

The other night, the girls and I went to a downtown bar. We were drinking watermelon margaritas and giggling, when this tall dark handsome man walked up to our table. We talked and flirted shamelessly until well past midnight. He was so sweet and sexy! I gave him my phone number, and he promised to call. He seemed so sincere. But it has been nine days! Did he lose my number? Should I go back to the bar where we met and try to find someone who knows him? Why, oh why, do guys do that?

Ring-A-Ling in Dallas

Dear RALling:

Although you've always secretly suspected it, let me tell you what you're parents and the "girls" wouldn't. You're fat. Or, you could be ugly. Maybe you're fat and ugly and have buckteeth. Face it: There is something about you that turned him (and probably the rest of mankind, for that matter) off. He was probably drunk, or at least beer goggling a bit. Let me tell you what happened the next morning: He woke up with a hangover like a mule had kick-fucked him in the head, but he wasn't sure what was worse: the shame of talking to an ugly chick or the headache. As the saying should go: It's not him, it's you! Beautiful women always get the phone calls they're promised and then some!


Dear Phil:

I've been dating this very considerate guy for the past three-and-a-half months. Although our sexual relationship started slowly and patiently, more recently we've been going at it, well like rabbits! We just can't keep our hands off each other, and the other night we made love while I was menstruating. He reassured me that as long as it was okay with me, he was comfortable. But when we finished, he spotted a little blood, and I saw his eyes grow wide. He denied it and said that I was being paranoid. Am I?

Menstruating in Modesto

Dear MIM:

Okay, honey, you're over-analyzing. It's sex. He wants it. His eyes aren't "widening. " He's probably just sneaking a peek at your naked boobies. Christ, once he's hard, he'd screw a cantaloupe just to get off. Really, get over yourself. Oh, you say, my boyfriend is different. He really listens. Ha! Wake up, honey. He's just buying time until you two bump and grind again. Listening, and putting up with your blood-dribbles, is just what us guys consider payment for a little hanky-panky.


Dear Phil:

I met a sexy guy at a party, but was too shy to approach him. We kept making eye contact and finally, at the end of the night, he came over to talk with me. I was a little tipsy and decided, on the spot, to fake being deaf. We have been dating for two weeks now, and it is more and more difficult to keep up the charade. He has even started to learn sign language to communicate better with me. How do I tell him that I made the whole thing up and still keep him?

Ready to Listen In Los Alamos

Dear RTLILA:

Listen--Obviously you're hot! Or at least he thinks so. Men only put up with physical ailments like blindness, amputations, or deafness if the lady has a tight can or a pair of hooters that could knock the socks off a dead guy. Talk, don't talk. Hear, don't hear. It doesn't matter. With a body like yours, you should know that by now. As long as your breasts don't droop and your ass doesn't flatten or fatten, he won't even notice that you've been miraculously cured of your deafness. Obviously, he's pussy-whipped. As long as you put out, he'll put up with anything--even handicaps.

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