FACT: POLAR BEARS WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Elves, who live at the North Pole, know this fact—they chant it, they live it, they breathe it, and, when they are inevitably and brutally slaughtered by a polar bear, they bleed it. But here in fancy-pants America, that fact is easy to forget: Thanks to stupid Coca-Cola commercials and fruity kids' books about golden compasses and shit, Americans think polar bears are cuddly, friendly, even soft. Well, Poindexter, think about this the next time you're getting a hard-on about how adorable polar bears are: Polar bears' "fur" is made not of fur, but of razor-sharp shards of frosted glass. Polar bears' knife-like incisors are built not for opening bottles of Coca-Cola, but for repeatedly thrusting in and out of your eye sockets. With a mighty swat of a massive paw, a polar bear can swat aside a tank as if the tank wasn't even a real tank but just one of those plastic toy tanks you'd buy your illegitimate son as a last-minute birthday present or something.
This is science™, and those are facts, and before your attention span-challenged mind gets distracted by some silly, irrelevant concern like this so-called "swine flu," I recommend you take notice of what's really important. Which is to say, polar bears. And their intention to kill you. So sit up straight and pay attention, motherfucker.
PART I: THEY'RE COMIN' TO AMERICA
I'm gonna give you another fact now, because (A) I'm feeling generous, and (B) the Mercury pays its writers by the word. So here: Global warming is real.
Yes, reader: While hippies are usually wrong about everything, it's a science™tific fact that global warming is melting the North Pole. While this has some advantages (burn, little shithead elves, burn), it also means that soon, polar bears shall be driven from their frozen climes and forced to migrate to Portland—where they will begin overturning garbage cans, stomping on our flowerbeds, breaking our windows, defecating on our sidewalks, eating our toddlers, and raping our women and some eager men. Here is how you can try to protect yourself—though the best course of action, as always, is to just give up.
PART II: THE WHITE MENACE
Commonly known as "the white menace," "the albino grizzly," "Ol' Man Bitey," and "the polar bear," the polar bear is a terrible, merciless beast. The creature was first discovered in 1984 in the Detroit Zoo by the late Sir Edmund Forsythe, who described the encounter in his diary:
"—and I gaze'd uponne his Fright-full Countenance with a frigiditie in mine Heart I had knowne not since mine sighting of the Monster of the Loch Nesse, or mine attendance at the moving-picture programme Alien3. The bottome-less eyes of this Albino Grizzlie smolder'd with the verie Flames of Hades, whilst its blood-soaked maw seductivelie beckon'd mine soule, as if t'were Medusa's glist'ning vulva...."
What can we learn from this? First, only sissies keep diaries. Second, did you even notice I said "the late" Sir Edmund Forsythe up there? (I bet you didn't.) Well, I put that in there because Forsythe is fucking dead, FYI. And how do you think he died? He was eaten by a fucking polar bear because instead of running the fuck away when he saw it, he sat there doodling in his diary, probably drawing unicorns in the margins and dotting his "i"s with little hearts. The moral of this paragraph is that you should take this shit seriously, because otherwise, I don't even know why I'm wasting my goddamn time.
PART III: THE CUNNING RUSE OF THE POLAR BEAR
Despite what "reporters" at other "newspapers" claim, never let it be said that I don't "research stuff." I do all sorts of things (and all sorts of people), and "research" is one of those things. For example, here are some words that came up when I Googled "polar + bear + attacks!"
• VIDEO: "a stupid woman gets too close to a polar bear cage and it grabs her. WARNING! GRAPHIC DETAIL."
• "Polar bear attacks ring seal... guess who wins?"
• "Polar bear attacks woman at Berlin Zoo"
• "Baby Polar Bear | Funny Picture | Baby Polar Bear Attack"
I didn't bother going to any of those sites, but my research still teaches us several things: that polar bears like to attack our women; that the only creature who might possibly defeat a polar bear is a "ring seal" (whatever the fuck that is); and sometimes, polar bears will upload pictures of their young onto the internet as a way to lure our women into death traps or identity theft schemes.
I found something else on the internet, too! On arcticwebsite.com—which, based on the URL alone, is an authoritative site—a brave soul named Jack L. McSherry III writes, "The polar bear is the most deadly of all [bears]. While his normal food is seal, they have been known, for centuries, to attack humans. Until the introduction of firearms, the native people of the north [Elves.—Ed.] have lived in fear of them. Many early explorers have told horror stories of polar bear attacks. These bears are known to stalk and hunt humans. If you are in polar bear country carry a firearm or avoid the area."
So clearly, we all need guns, because I'll be goddamned if I'm giving up my apartment. I just got a kickass new duvet cover and some throw pillo—WHOA, WHAT THE FUCK? "STALK AND HUNT HUMANS"? Wow. You guys are totally boned. And not in the good way.
PART IV: SO YOU'RE SAYING WE'RE SCREWED?
Well, if you look closely, you'll see I used the word "boned," but yeah, sure, I guess that's one interpretation of what I'm saying. Here are some futile steps you can take to delude yourself into thinking you have a chance of surviving a meeting with Ol' Man Bitey:
1) Kill that polar bear at the Oregon Zoo. Then put his head on a spike, and put the spike at the foot of the Interstate Bridge. (On our side of the bridge, mind you. The polar bears can have Vancouver, because eff that place.)
2) If he won't stop crying, apologize to the Oregon zookeeper. Then tell him maybe he should suck it up or write his feelings down in his Lisa Frank diary or something.
3) Buy more guns.
4) Also, will somebody buy me a gun? For various legal reasons [see "I Hunt the Giant Man-Ape: Another Thrilling True-Life Adventure Starring Erik Henriksen, Sasquatch Slayer," Portland Mercury, Sept 11, 2003], I'm no longer "legally allowed" to purchase one.
5) No? Well, fuck you too. Because guess who just eBayed a motherfuckin' samurai sword, asshole?
6) And a machete?
PART V: SO WHAT CAN I DO?
First, you unhelpful, ungrateful bastard, you can expect me to righteously fuck your shit up with my samurai sword. Second, when you've seen as many polar bear attacks as I have, you'll notice several consistencies. Analyzing these trends can help us predict how, exactly, polar bears will kill you.
a) Once a polar bear tastes human flesh, that is all it will ever eat. Like the sensual, alluring vampire Edward Cullen, it will thirst for it. So if you get a cut, put a Band-Aid on it! (Also, avoid women who are having "monthly troubles," for the Devil is in them, and polar bears are but Beelzebub's bleached minions.)
b) Polar bears attack mostly during the night, but sometimes during the day. Also at daybreak and twilight. Avoid these parts of the day.
c) Polar bears always attack without warning. So if you see one about to attack you, trick it into giving you a warning! If you succeed, the polar bear, ashamed, will retreat. Like the mighty samurai or the admirable Klingon, polar bears are creatures of honor, and will not betray their warriors' code. Unless they are hungry.
d) You can try wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'.
e) And plannin' and dreamin'.
PART VI: THE MOST IMPORTANT PART
I don't got anything else to tell you. But like I said, this rag pays by the word, so I'm gonna use up every last fuckin' bit of spa