I JUST SAW my first Tyler Perry movie! It's called Alex Cross and it's about a guy named Alex Cross and I got all excited because Alex can sometimes be a girl's name and Tyler Perry likes to dress up like a girl. In the end I was disappointed because at no point does Tyler Perry play an old grandma like he does in all his other movies. There is an old grandma in Alex Cross, but she's played by Cicely Tyson. (I wonder if Cicely Tyson got nervous about playing an old grandma with Tyler Perry on the set. I bet Tyler Perry gave her some grandma tips in between takes.) So this movie is all serious and sad and violent, and it's based on a bunch of mystery books by James Patterson, who is a wretched, awful, unbelievably bad hack writer, and I'm a little sorry for saying that, but I bet James Patterson will be okay because he is a huge bestselling author! Did you know that one of every 17 hardcover novels sold in the US is written by him?
I'm sorry. I... ugh. I didn't feel very good for a second there.
By playing Alex Cross in Alex Cross, Tyler Perry is making a bid for serious actordom now, and huzzah for him! Stringer Bell was originally supposed to play Alex Cross, which would have made this movie one million times better, because I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but this movie is a godawful piece of poop and Tyler Perry is a really, really, really terrible actor, and I feel a little teeny bit bad saying that, but I bet Tyler Perry will be okay because Forbes says Tyler Perry is the highest paid man in entertainment!
Uff. Oogh. Sorry, I'm just not feeling so great. I... blrrrff.
Okay. I'm fine now, I think. Whew!
Tyler Perry is a cop who has, like, super-psychic detective powers—he can tell his wife drank a latte because she has an enormous foamy jizz stain on her blouse! Tyler Perry tries to track down a serial killer played by Charlie from Party of Five, who is all bald and skinny and muscle-y and mean. (Calm down, Charlie!) Charlie kills Tyler Perry's latte-drinking wife and stuff, and there is this other plot thingamajig about a super rich French guy played by Léon from The Professional, and Tyler Perry uses his magic cop powers to track down Charlie with help from his cop partner, Edward Burns. Remember Edward Burns? Edward Burns began a very promising career by acting and directing in some acclaimed movies that were secretly boring and lousy, and then Edward Burns kept making more boring and lousy movies while also being a totally uninteresting actor in a bunch of other mediocre movies, and I might feel a little bad saying that, but Edward Burns will be fine because Edward Burns married the most beautiful woman in the world, Christy Turlington!
Owwww. Oh, jesus. Hoooolffffff. Ungh, I'm really sorry about this. I wonder if I ate somethi... oh shit. Oh god. Oh godddd.
Okay, breathe. Ohhh. All right. Wow. I think I'm okay. Let's keep going.
So Alex Cross is a completely uninteresting cop thriller that uses shock tactics and sentiment to manipulate the audience. It's predictable, nonsensical, poorly shot, awfully written, badly acted, and entirely tedious, and I suppose I really should feel a little bit bad saying all this, but Alex Cross will be just fine because people really love Tyler Perry and James Patterson, and lots and lots of them will go see it opening weekend and it will easily make 100 million billion dollars and everyone involved will get even richer!
Oh, fuck. Okay, I'm actually sick now.