ABSTRACT: It is a popular misconception to think that "bourbon" and "whiskey" are the same thing. They are not. Bourbon describes a liquor which is made primarily from corn, rather than rye. Whiskey proper has a very specific effect on one who is consuming it; it is believed to induce aggressive and manipulative behavior. Even historically speaking, this is true: Consider the "Whiskey Rebellion" of 1794. Then-president Alexander Hamilton imposed a discriminatory tax on whiskey distillers, who were primarily of Scottish-Irish decent. Infuriated and--it is believed--extremely inebriated, the distillers led public protests, including a riot, which broke out in 1794 when the government attempted to enforce the tax.

HYPOTHESIS: For the purposes of this experiment, we will test the hypothesis that the amount of whiskey one consumes is proportional to the intensity of that individual's rebellious behavior. The individual, in this circumstance, is a young man by the name of "Tom."

MEANS AND METHODS: After consumption of his first drink, the subject has a placid expression and makes "small talk" about matters such as college, long-term goals, and philosophy. When not engaged in conversation, Tom often stares happily into space and chats idly with an acquaintance. Tom also makes a prediction for his behavior.

"I am a very happy drunk," he says, and promises that when he is at the point of inebriation, he will be gleefully laughing and yelling, feeling nothing but love and tenderness towards his companions.

However, after the second drink, the seeds of discontent have already sprouted, and Tom engages in unwarranted criticism of his researcher (myself). As Tom's whiskey-consumption increases, the aforementioned animosity towards his researcher seems to increase proportionally to whiskey intake. In fact, Tom somehow obtains the notepad of the researcher while she is using the lavatory. He writes the following: "Tom seems more clever than I thought. He is ten feet tall and made of gold. Any inclination I had to slight his character was merely a result of my own drunkenness."

By the point of his seventh drink, Tom has descended into a drunken rebellion.

"This music is awful!" he yells. "And this bar smells horrible! And this food God, I hate tofu!"

The researcher, at this point, sees fit to point out to Tom his negative pattern of criticism.

"Well, maybe if I wasn't in a bar with terrible music, food, and smells, I wouldn't have to complain!" Tom yells.

He appears extremely agitated.

CONCLUSION: In conclusion, we find that whiskey indeed encourages rebellious, manipulative, and angry behavior. In fact, as final proof of this point, as the researcher was leaving, she asked Tom if he would supply her with his telephone number, so that she may complete an exit-interview the following day. Tom became extremely angry and insisted he would only supply the information in the event that she purchased him another drink.

"I can't believe you're leaving like this!" Tom yelled.

The researcher was forced to leave the bar without giving Tom a proper farewell or, for that matter, a conclusive interview. She has not seen or heard from Tom since. Nor does she care to.