I desire to become Homecoming Queen for two reasons. First of all, America is not a monarchy, consequently, I have little chance of marrying royalty and therefore, becoming Princess Anything.

In high school, I was way too bitchy and unpopular to even think about being nominated for any sort of event that required crowns. I got the last laugh, though, because now I have bigger boobs than all those bitches. My mom wanted me to do Junior Miss, but I was in my militant feminist vegetarian phase and refused. I regret my decision not to participate, even though I still don't think it's truly a "scholarship" event. What scholarship requires you to prance around in a swimsuit?

The second reason I want to be Homecoming Queen is for the crown. I like crowns. I'm of the generation of girls whose first television memory is Princess Di's wedding. She got to wear a great crown, and I've been obsessed with them ever since. I suppose I could go buy one of those crappy ones at the mall, but you don't earn those crowns. I don't care if the crown is from Burger King. At least I will have done something to earn it (but not by prancing around in a swimsuit. You really don't want me to do that).

VOTE Rose M. Richard For QUEEN!