Jeremy Eaton

You, sir or madam, are a lazy sack of crap. OH! Did I hurt your feelings? Did I make you angry? Well, I'm not worried about retribution, because you're too much of a lazy sack of crap to do anything about it. You're too lazy to stand up, you're too lazy to punch me in the piehole, and I'd wager you're too lazy to stop reading this column. GO AHEAD! SHUT YOUR EYES! Ha! I knew it! Even your eyelids are fat and lazy. Truth be told, I'm surprised your lungs work, considering how they are (a) fat, (b) lazy, and (c) sacks of crap... YOU FAT, LAZY SACK OF CRAP!!

Okay, now that I've successfully erased every ounce of your self-esteem, let's get to my actual purpose, which is to "scare you straight" (a technique learned during my brief stint in federal prison). But instead of scaring you straight out of the burly arms of an amorous cellmate, I will be scaring you straight into the arms of... $UCCE$$!

See, the reason you're a revolting disappointment is because you lack one thing: GUMPTION! Your gumption level is embarrassingly low and can only be remedied by a syringe full of "inspiration." And lucky for your lazy crap sack, I've found this inspiration... on television.

The inspirational TV show is called Canal Livre—and okay, fine, I've never actually seen it, because it's from Brazil and I don't "sprechen ze Brazilian." However! I did read an AP report on the program and its host, and both sound AMAZING.

So Canal Livre is a wildly popular true-crime show, hosted by state legislator and former police officer Wallace Souza, who is famous for televising the bloody murder scenes of dead drug lords—and arriving there long before the cops. How is he able to consistently scoop the police and all the other media outlets? GUMPTION, MY FRIEND. Well... that, and he allegedly hired hit men to kill the people who wound up on his show. BUT THAT'S GUMPTION, TOO, RIGHT?

According to state investigators, Souza also moonlights as a drug lord when he's not being a legislator or television host (GUMPTION!), and according to police intelligence officer Thomaz Vasconcelos, at least five of the murders Souza has spotlighted on his program "appear to have been committed to get rid of his [drug dealing] rivals and increase the audience of the TV show."

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!? This guy has got gumption squirting out his bottom hole! (At this point it should be noted that Souza denies all charges and is innocent until proven guilty blah blah blah blah blah, yeah, whatever.) But can you imagine how successful America's Most Wanted would be if host John Walsh had the gumption to HIRE ACTUAL HIT MEN? Not only would our country's crime rate plummet, but AMW's ratings would skyrocket, AND John Walsh could sell me pot for cheap!

So are you listening, John Walsh and YOU? I'm not saying you have to kill people—however, is it going to kill you to hire someone to kill people? YOU LAZY SACK OF CRAP? (P.S. Don't kill me.)