Iâm a 25-year-old woman currently in a poly relationship with a married man roughly 20 years my senior. This has by far been the best relationship Iâve ever had. However, something has me a bit on edge. We went on a trip with friends to a brewery with a great restaurant. It was an amazing place, and Iâm sure his wife would enjoy it. He mentioned the place to her, and her response was NO, she didnât want to go there because she didnât want to have âsloppy seconds.â It made me feel dirty. Additionally, the way he brushed this off means this isnât the first time. I go out of my way to show him places I think they would like to go together. I donât know if my feelings are just hurtâif itâs as childish as I think it isâor if itâs a reminder of my very low...
Treated With Outrage
Iâm having a hard time reconciling these two statements, TWO: âThis has by far been the best relationship Iâve ever hadâ and âwhen I have needs or concerns, they label me as difficult or needy.â I suppose itâs possible all your past relationships have been so bad that your best-relationship-ever bar is set tragically low. But taking a partnerâs needs and concerns seriously is one of the hallmarks of a good relationship, to say nothing of a âbest relationship ever.â
That said... I donât know you or how you are. Itâs entirely possible that you share your needs and concerns in a way that comes across asâor actually isâneedy and difficult. Our experience of interpersonal relationships, like our experience of anything and everything else, is subjective. One personâs reasonable expression of needs/concerns is another personâs emotionally manipulative drama. I would need to depose your boyfriend and his wife, TWO, to make a determination and issue a ruling.
That said... Itâs a really bad sign that your boyfriendâs wife compared eating in a restaurant you visited with him to fucking a hole that someone else just fucked, i.e., âsloppy seconds.â It has me wondering whether your boyfriendâs wife is really into the poly thing. Some people are poly under duress (PUD), i.e., they agreed to open up a marriage or relationship not because itâs what they want, but because they were given an ultimatum: Weâre open/poly or weâre over. In a PUD best-case scenario, the PUD partner sees that their fears were overblown, discovers that poly/open works for them, embraces openness/polyamory, and is no longer a PUD. But PUDs who donât come around (or havenât come around yet) will engage in small acts of sabotage to signal their unhappinessâtheir perfectly understandable unhappiness. They didnât want to be open/poly in the first place and are determined to prove that open/poly was a mistake and/or punish their ultimatum-issuing partner. The most common form of PUD sabotage? Making their primary partnerâs secondary partner(s) feel uncomfortable and unwelcome.
That said... As you (probably) know (but if you donât, youâre about to find out), poly relationships have all kinds of (sometimes incredibly arbitrary but also incredibly important) rules. If one of their rules is âMy wife doesnât want to hear from or about my girlfriend,â TWO, then your restaurant recommendations are going to fall flat. Being poly means navigating rules (and sometimes asking to renegotiate those rules) and juggling multiple peopleâs feelings, needs, and concerns. You have to show respect for their rules, TWO, as they are each otherâs primary partners. But your boyfriend and his wife have to show respect for you, too. Secondary though you may be, your needs, concerns, feelings, etc., have to be taken into consideration. And if their rules make you feel disrespected, unvalued, or too low on the hierarchical poly totem pole, you should dump them.
My wife said she didnât care who I slept with soon after we met. At the time, I didnât want to sleep with anyone else. But we eventually became monogamishâit started as me texting her a fantasy while I was at work, and that fantasy was waiting for me when I got homeâit was fun, but it wasnât something I needed. After a couple years of playing together with others in private and in clubs, she said she wanted to open our relationship. I got a girlfriend, had fun until the new relationship energy (NRE) wore off, and ended things. Then my wife got a great job on the other side of the state and I stayed behind to get our house into a sellable state. Right now, we see each other only on weekends. I also got a new girlfriend. The NRE wore off, but we still really like each other, and weâve discussed being long-distance secondaries once the move is complete. Hereâs the problem: Last night, my wife confessed to me that being in an open relationship was making her miserable. Not just my current girlfriend, whose monopoly over my time during the week could be a legitimate cause for concern, but going back to the previous girlfriend I saw only one night a week. I told my wife that I would break up with my girlfriend immediately. My wife is the most important person in my life, and I donât want to do anything to hurt her. But my wife told me not to break up with my girlfriend. I donât want to string my girlfriend along and tell her everything is fineâbut my wife, who doesnât want to be poly anymore, is telling me not to break up with my girlfriend. What do I do?
Dude Isnât Content Knowing Priority Is Crushingly Sad
Your wife may want you to dump your girlfriend without having to feel responsible for your girlfriendâs broken heart, DICKPICS, so she tells you sheâs miserable and doesnât want to be poly anymore, and then tells you not to end things. Or maybe this is a test: Dumping a girlfriend you didnât have to dump would signal to your wife that she is, indeed, the most important person in your life and that you will prioritize her happiness even when she wonât. Or maybe sheâs watched you acquire two girlfriends without landing a boyfriend of her own.
But thereâs a middle ground between dumped and not dumped, DICKPICS: Tell your girlfriend whatâs going onâshe has a right to knowâand put the relationship on hold. Get the house sold, get your ass to your wife, and keep talking until you figure out what is going to work for your wife going forward: completely closed, open but only to sexual adventures you two go on together, i.e., âplaying together with others in private and in clubs,â or open with GFs (and BFs) allowed. Good luck.
I donât know if Iâm poly or not. I mean, Jesus H. Christ, this has been so difficult. How do I know when to go back to monogamy?
Pretty Over Lusty Yearnings
I donât think youâre poly, POLY, because I donât think anyone is poly. I also donât think anyone is monogamous. Polyamory and monogamy arenât sexual orientations, IMO, theyâre relationship models. And if the polyamorous model is making you miserable, POLY, it might not be right for you. But you should ask yourself whether polyamory is making you miserable or if the people you are doing polyamory with are making you miserable. People in awful monogamous relationships rarely blame monogamy for their woesâeven when monogamy is a factorâbut the stigma against nontraditional relationship models, to say nothing of sex-negativity, often lead people to blame polyamory for their misery when the actual cause isnât the model, POLY, itâs the people.