duncan walker / getty images

Good morning! Or, should I say, cock-a-doodle-dooooooo! I hope you’re feeling bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and ready to face the day, because the Sun has risen and I won’t shut the fuck up about it! Cock-a-doodle-DOOOOOO, assholes!

I’d like to take a moment to talk about something that’s been disturbing the rooster community lately. Buh-gwuaak! It seems there will be a surprise nighty-night darktime coming up in the next few days! In rooster terms, the giant dayshine lightball will disappear and then reappear in the space of a few minutes. A-wruuaaauk!

In no uncertain terms, this is BULLSHIT. I don’t know what you think a rooster’s life is like, but—bu-gawukkk!—we cocks have a very serious and important job to do. How else would you poor, featherless chicks know that the blindingly bright magic roundy shinecircle has emerged from the Coop at the Ends of the Earth and that it’s time for you to come out of your people-barn and throw corn at us? Without the beneficence of us roosters saying cock-a-dooodle-doooooooo to you each and every morning, you would just sleep forever and DIE.

[Eight-minute pause while rooster pecks at a bug on the ground.]

Buh-gwiiick! Where was I? Ah yes. Look, screwing around with the rules of roosterdom is not something to be taken lightly. Roostering is both an art and a science. How would you like it if I came to your job and made you do twice the amount of your normal work for the day? Not one bit. Not. One. Bwu-gwaaacking. Bit.

So before you humans get a little too carried away with this “once-in-a-lifetime astronomical phenomenon” bullshit, just remember your puny existences on this farm would be plagued by eternal blackness without us roosters vigilantly keeping guard and—

Hang on! The Sun just came out from behind a cloud and has fooled my pea-sized chicken brain. COCK-A-DOOODLE-DOOOOOOOOOO!