I Told You This Would Happen!
BEHOLD THE END OF DAYS!
How to Make Your Own Eclipse
It’s Super Easy, Everybody
Eclipse Events Calendar!
The Only Actually Useful Thing in the Mercury’s Eclipse Issue
Fact: The Laws of God and Man Are Suspended During an Eclipse.
Plan Accordingly.
Okay, Fuck This Eclipse
Editorial Opinion by A Rooster
Eclipse Your Doubts with Totality Horoscopes!
Why Not? Everything Is Made Up Anyway
If My Conscious Is the Sun, and My Subconscious Is the Moon, Then This Eclipse Is a Pretty Good Metaphor for How I Ruined My Marriage
Hell, I’m No Philosopher
Flat Earth, Eclipsed
The Eclipse, as “Explained” by Flat-Earthers
I Am Mortified by the Attention and Apologize for the Disruption
This Is Just the Worst
Good morning! Or, should I say, cock-a-doodle-dooooooo! I hope youâre feeling bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and ready to face the day, because the Sun has risen and I wonât shut the fuck up about it! Cock-a-doodle-DOOOOOO, assholes!
Iâd like to take a moment to talk about something thatâs been disturbing the rooster community lately. Buh-gwuaak! It seems there will be a surprise nighty-night darktime coming up in the next few days! In rooster terms, the giant dayshine lightball will disappear and then reappear in the space of a few minutes. A-wruuaaauk!
In no uncertain terms, this is BULLSHIT. I donât know what you think a roosterâs life is like, butâbu-gawukkk!âwe cocks have a very serious and important job to do. How else would you poor, featherless chicks know that the blindingly bright magic roundy shinecircle has emerged from the Coop at the Ends of the Earth and that itâs time for you to come out of your people-barn and throw corn at us? Without the beneficence of us roosters saying cock-a-dooodle-doooooooo to you each and every morning, you would just sleep forever and DIE.
[Eight-minute pause while rooster pecks at a bug on the ground.]
Buh-gwiiick! Where was I? Ah yes. Look, screwing around with the rules of roosterdom is not something to be taken lightly. Roostering is both an art and a science. How would you like it if I came to your job and made you do twice the amount of your normal work for the day? Not one bit. Not. One. Bwu-gwaaacking. Bit.
So before you humans get a little too carried away with this âonce-in-a-lifetime astronomical phenomenonâ bullshit, just remember your puny existences on this farm would be plagued by eternal blackness without us roosters vigilantly keeping guard andâ
Hang on! The Sun just came out from behind a cloud and has fooled my pea-sized chicken brain. COCK-A-DOOODLE-DOOOOOOOOOO!