We're here—the last dash before Christmas weekend descends upon us like so much freshly falling snow. Whether it's a gentle dusting of pillowy flakes, a lip-chapping flurry, or a flesh-rending blizzard? Well, that part is up to you, I guess. There's certainly no shortage of holiday traditions to engage in, there's a some new movies for you to escape to, there's dancing, there's singing, there's a Grindhouse Christmas, a Honky Tonk Christmas, and the kind that plays the Rhythm of the Saints all the way to your own personal Graceland. Even if it wasn't the last gasp of normal before Christmas hits, it'd still be a pretty busy week—hit the menu below and choose wisely.

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Monday, Dec 19

The I, Anonymous Show
One of the funnest comedy nights in Portland is hands-down the Mercury’s monthly I, Anonymous Show, where hilarious host Bri Pruett picks the best (of the worst) I, Anonymous submissions from the Mercury, and discusses them in length with an equally hilarious panel of panelists! This month’s funny people include Adam Pasi, Alex Falcone, Larry Crane, and Zak Toscani—all of who have strong opinions about your secret opinions! Don’t miss it! WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
7 pm, The Secret Society, $10-15

Classic Simpsons Trivia Night
First you watch a classic Simpsons episode, and then you and your team square off against other grown adults who have stored entirely too much Simpsons trivia in their heads, to win a prize that can't possibly make up for all the things you've missed out on in life by staying inside and watching so much Simpsons.
7 pm, No Fun, free

Thee Commons, MĂĄscaras
Dance the night away to the sounds of this Los Angeles-based psychedelic Cumbia punk outfit.
9:30 pm, Bunk Bar, $7

It's Gonna Be Okay!
Portland comedian Barbara Holm presents her weekly stand-up showcase featuring a revolving lineup of local comedians and national touring acts.
7:30 pm, East Burn, free

The Sounds, Zipper Club, My Jerusalem
The long-running Swedish indie rock and new wave outfit return to Portland to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their sophomore album, Dying to Say This to You.
8 pm, Hawthorne Theatre, $25-28

Tuesday, Dec 20

Aesop Rock, Rob Sonic, DJ Zone, Homeboy Sandman
Ian Bavitz, more popularly known by his rap moniker Aesop Rock, might just be one of the best white dude rappers around. Armed with his characteristically deep-pocket vocabulary and a new sense of vulnerability, his latest effort, The Impossible Kid, touches on the realities of living with anxiety and depression. JENNA FLETCHER
8:30 pm, Wonder Ballroom, $20-23

Peter Ames Carlin's Homeward Bound: An All-Star Tribute To Paul Simon
Homeward Bound, Peter Ames Carlin’s just-published biography of Paul Simon, uncovers the many avenues and alleyways traveled by the famed New York songwriter, from his early doo-wop-informed 45s to his stab at Greenwich Village folk with childhood pal Artie Garfunkel, from his Grammy-winning explorations of American popular music genres to his global escapades across Africa and South America. Tonight Carlin has gathered an impressive crew of Portland talent—including Luz Elena Mendoza (Y La Bamba), Rebecca Gates (the Spinanes), Casey Neill, Jim Brunberg, and many more—to perform Simon’s well-loved songs as he regales us with tales from his fascinating and thoroughly researched book. Carlin’s done this before with his volumes on Paul Simon and Bruce Springsteen, and they’ve always been a blast. Tonight won’t be an exception. NED LANNAMANN
8 pm, Mississippi Studios, $8-10

Grindhouse Film Festival: Silent Night, Deadly Night
It’s time for my favorite Christmas event: the Hollywood’s annual screening of the 1984 grindhouse flick Silent Night, Deadly Night. Much like admiring holiday decorations, watching Santa brutally murder people with an ax gets the holiday juices flowing. Who doesn't love an antisocial St. Nick who’s hell-bent on mayhem? Nawww-teeeee! COURTNEY FERGUSON
7:30 pm, Hollywood Theatre, $9

Reading the Bible with Dan
Dan Webber and a slew of his funny friends bring his bible-reading podcast to life, with Ben Harkins, Wendy Weiss, Don Frost, Shane Torres, Whitney Streed, Caitlin Weierhauser and many more helping tell the story of Moses and the Burning Bush.
8 pm, Helium Comedy Club, $10

Dancing with the Stars: Live!
The hit dance competition television series heads out on the road, bringing some of the most talented dances in the business to Portland to perform live on stage at the Schnitz.
8 pm, Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, $39.50-79.50

Christmas at the Old Church
Michael Allen Harrison's annual holiday jubilee, featuring contributions from notable Portland artists and personalities coming together to bring Christmas to musical life.
7:30 pm, The Old Church, $22.50-49.50

Wednesday, Dec 21

Re-run Theater: Holiday Special Double Feature
The Hollywood celebrates not only the Christmas season, but five years of bringing the absolute best—and the cringiest—of television history to the big screen via Re-run Theater. As an example of the best: A Black Adder Christmas Carol. As an example—nay, the example—of the cringe: The Star Wars Holiday Special. With vintage commercials during the ad breaks, as well as opportunities to win prizes, including the debut of Re-run Theater T-shirts!
7:30 pm, Hollywood Theatre, $9

Shane Torres
When former Portlander Shane Torres takes a break from his quasi-glamorous life in New York to come back to town for a comedy set, you should absolutely go. He’s a goofy, tragicomic, self-effacing performer and one of the few comedians I’ve seen who can make me laugh about the depressing concept of emotional debt. MEGAN BURBANK
8 pm, Helium Comedy Club, $10-25

Holiday Movie Extravaganza!
With the holidays looming, you'll have plenty of chances to socialize in the next few days. Like, too many chances. Thank fucking god, then, that the holidays are also an excellent time to sit quietly in dark rooms. Movie-wise, there are a few must-sees: There's the universally beloved musical La La Land, starring the universally beloved Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling, or there's Jackie, which has Natalie Portman earning crazy-good reviews for her portrayal of Jackie Kennedy, or there's Passengers, the new new sci-fi romance in which Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Pratt make out in zero-g. ERIK HENRIKSEN
Various Theaters, see Movie Times for showtimes and locations

The Santaland Diaries
Darius Pierce reprises his role as the elf at the center of Christmas madness in David Sedaris' modern holiday tradition.
7:30 pm, Ellyn Bye Studio at the Armory, $25

The Blind Shake, Paul Cary, Fire Nuns
The Blind Shake's live shows are no bullshit and full of might and fury. Expect the unexpected.
9 pm, Bunk Bar, $8

J-Fell Presents Holiday Party
J-Fell Presents brings some of their top notch tribute talent to the Doug Fir for a free holiday showcase featuring acoustic sets from Petty Fever (Tom Petty), Appetite for Deception (GnR), Ramble On (Led Zeppelin), Shoot to Thrill (ACDC), Dancehall Days, Motorbreath (Metallica), Porta-Party, and Plush (Stone Temple Pilots).
7 pm, Doug Fir, free

Sleeping Beauties, The Knast, Verner Pantons, Whorehound
While poetic in its disgusting flourishes, the nihilism of frontman Hart Gledhill and Sleeping Beauties is no put-on. Their self-titled debut is a bleary-eyed, teeth-grinding, drug-fueled document of sleepless nights and wasted days from the dish pit to the grease pit, the flophouse to the gutter. It's a political screed from the stepped on and the stepped over, the vital punk record America needs to hear but won't be able to stomach. ANDREW R TONRY
9 pm, Dante's, $3

Thursday, Dec 22

Cheer The Fuck Up: An OK Chorale Holiday Pop Songs Sing-Along
It’s only three days until C-day, and you’re already sick of all the usual Christmas tunes. Tonight, Portland’s OK Chorale will chase those twinkly silver-bell songs out of your head with “Cheer the F**K Up!,” an evening of singing along to music you actually like, such as Prince, Joni Mitchell, and the Pogues. Have a drink or three, and take those long-suffering vocal cords out for a night on the town. NED LANNAMANN
7:30 pm, Mississippi Studios, $18-20

ISSA, Will Jordan, Yung Mil
Earlier this year at the Wonder, I was impatiently awaiting the start of a Ginuwine concert, when Tacoma-based singer/producer Will Jordan graced the stage as an opener, and successfully flabbergasted an audience of already-frisky twenty- and thirtysomething women. His production portfolio includes credits for Jason Derulo, and “Fly” by Nicki Minaj featuring Rihanna. (Also, DO check out his take on MJ’s “Human Nature.”) Along with TYuS, Blossom, and headliner I$$A, I’m all for this new wave of R&B, Island jams, and danceable beats coming out of the PNW. JENNI MOORE
8 pm, Paris Theatre, $20

Erotic City
If you’re interested in cramming in one last bit of sexy musical fun before the year ends, go with the always reliable Erotic City—one of the world’s finest Prince tribute bands (hailing right here from Portland)! Julian Stefoni plays the late, great purple one with tons of smokin’ hot vigor as he and the band power through all your fave Prince classics. Don’t let 2016 end without paying tribute where tribute is due! WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
8 pm, Lola's Room, $10

Queer Horror for the Holidays
The bimonthly series, hosted by Carla Rossi, gets dressed up in its Christmas finest, which in Carla's case means transforming this holly jolly holiday into a freaky, fucked-up nightmare full of gruesome short films and live performances from adventurous Portland artists.
7:30 pm, Hollywood Theatre, $9

Cirque Dreams: Holidaze
Part of the Broadway Across America program, Cirque Dreams: Holidaze is the holiday-themed follow up to Broadway's hit Cirque Dreams: Jungle Fantasy and Cirque Dreams: Illumination. This production promises amazing costumes, bright bright lights, and apparently a set that changes shape and form many times over throughout the show. A one word descriptor would most likely be 'trippy'.
7:30 pm, Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, $25-70

Zach Bryson's Honky Tonk Holiday Party & Record Swap
Bryson's songs show what happens when honky tonk hillbillies get the blues, but tonight he'll be adding some extra holiday cheer into the mix.
9 pm, The Spare Room, free

We Take Holocene: Benefit for Haiti
Portland's hip-hop community comes together to help raise money for Doctors Without Borders, supporting the vital work they do for people in Haiti. Featuring performances from ROBy, Dead Phone Dummiez, RC Spitta, Swiggle Mandela, and more.
7 pm, Holocene, $10

Sweeping Exits, Talklow, Hard Sulks
When regular, quiet, inward-focused sulking just won't do, you get this pop-punk five-piece, who turn that shit up way past 11.
9 pm, Valentine's

Don't forget to check out our Things To Do calendar for even more things to do!