All manner of nerd jokes aside, Charles Ross' theatrical achievements are astounding, and not just because the Canadian actor performs a one-man stage adaptation of ALL THREE original Star Wars films, and not just because he executes this task in ONE HOUR. No, what's really impressive about Ross' stunt is the reception it's received: a five-month off-Broadway run; an appearance on Conan O'Brien; and an invite to Lucasfilm's prestigious geek-fest, Celebration III, where he performed for a crowd of 3,500 slobbering fans. I caught up with a very sick Ross in Minneapolis.

Did those geeks in the 3,500-capacity crowd at Lucasfilm's Celebration III enjoy your bastardization of their beloved trilogy?

Oh yeah, I think so; it's an homage to it, not a criticism. It's celebrating people's enjoyment of the films.

Was there enough hot lightsaber action to satisfy them?

There're no costumes. No set. No props. Just me. It's an absurd enough idea as it is. I kind of thought having a bunch of stupid props would make it even sillier.

Who's your favorite character to play?

Probably the character of the Emperor. The guy who performs that character (Ian McDiarmid) is a Shakespearean actor so he really gives you something to work with. Harrison Ford, for instance, isn't the most dynamic actor in the world, but McDiarmid kind of makes love to the poor script.

Can you introduce me to George Lucas? I still need to punch him in the face for the whole Jar Jar thing...

I haven't met him, but I'm licensed by Lucasfilm—I'm pretty sure he's seen the show, but not live. They've received DVD copies.

Would you ever consider doing a one-man show based on the two Ewok movies?

Those ones with Wilford Brimley? Fuck man, that's like trying to do a show based on C-3PO's morning cereal. It's like making fun of a piece of shit.

If the Corellian shipyard had outfitted the Millennium Falcon with just a few more power couplings, could Han Solo have completed the Kessel Run in less than 10 parsecs?

It doesn't make any sense, that whole thing in the first place. I actually read a book called The Science of Star Wars. There is a possibility the Falcon could've completed the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, if they used a wormhole. But the parsec/power coupling thing is impossible and was a total fuck-up by the screenwriters.