LAST THURSDAY-- There is no excuse for missing a photography show titled Crawdaddies & Scallygigs. Yael Routtenberg presents rustic, rural "images from the backyard" on Alberta. KD
Olive Green Studios, 1603 NE Alberta, 202-2295, 6-9 pm


DIY INSTRUMENTS--Pots, pans, vibraphones, and electro-sonic robots rule tonight: First, join in the Red 76 improv orchestra at Martial Art, where people of all skill levels are invited to make conductedcacophony. Next, head out to the Octant show at Meow Meow to watch super-humanoid drumming. JS
Martial Art, 18 NW Third Ave; Meow Meow, 527 SE Pine S

THEATER--Welcome to Kissing Booth; Protagonist Ramona (local actress Leslie Good) makes a living by selling kisses. But, enraptured by a friend's rambling stories, Ramona longs to escape to the places he describes. KD
Back Door Theatre, 4319 SE Hawthorne Blvd, 8 pm, runs through August 19, $8-$15


COMICS--Peter Bagge (rhymes with "sag"), creator of the funny, probing and sometimes depressing Hate, helped define a new breed of alternative and intelligent comics. Get his signature and thank him profusely. JS Reading Frenzy, 921 SW Oak, 274-1449, 6 pm, free

GET WHIPPED--Once upon a time, there was a poor little girl named (your name here) who fell asleep by a tree. After falling through a long, dark tunnel, she found herself in Alice in Bondage Land! No, you don't have to pop anything that says "eat me" to get to this fantasy land. Just clip on your favorite leopard skin nipple clamps and go, go, go! (see story page 11) KD Pine Street Theater, 215 SE Ninth, 18 & over, mandatory dress & ID$12 in advance

SOAP OPERA--Portland's very own off-beat Ugly Parade premieres tonight at Medicine Hat. Sol Burbridge and his friends chase down and mull over the bizarre characters that populate our city. Win a walk-on role! (see review page 29) PB
Medicine Hat, 1834 NE Alberta, 10 pm, $5


TONGUE-LASHING--Words, performance and more drum machines than previously believed legal within city limits get married! Performing the ceremony are Mykle Hansen, Topiary Kings, Jennifer "Bouzi" Robin Sperm Whale Dreamboat, Richard Meltzer, and more. JS
Ash St. Saloon, 225 SW Ash, 226-0430, 8:30, $4


BOWL--The important key for throwing a strike is to remember to point your thumb in the direction of the front pin. In addition to cosmic bowling on the weekends--complete with glowing fluorescent shoes--Grand Central Bowling has $1 games every Monday. Call to reserve a lane, but please don't ask if they have eight pound balls. PB
Grand Central Bowling, 808 SE Morrison, 232-5166, 10 am-3 am


BLAXPLOITATION TOONS--Opening a month-long tribute to historic Blaxploitation films, the Clinton Street Theater presents the Blaxploitation Cartoon Special, featuring controversial and rarely seen toons from the early part of the century. Prepare to squirm! WSH
Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton, 238-8899, 7 & 9:15 pm, July 28-Aug 3, $6


ASSAULT & BATTERY--What do you mean "all the tickets for Hanson are sold out??" What will Taylor do if I'm not there to puncture the eardrums of everyone around me with piercing screams? Since buying tickets from scalpers is illegal, we have no choice to physically assault a pre-pubescent teen, and steal her ticket. Meet us at the main entrance, and don't forget your taser. WSH
Hanson, Crystal Ballroom, 1332 West Burnside, 225-0047, Doors at 8:30, action at 9 pm, Sold Out (Goddammit!)

PHOTOGRAPHY--Dressed in leather, carrying chains and photographed on platinum prints, toys have never looked so cruelly seductive. Through a new series of photographs and using plastic dolls, David Lawrence creates a dreamy vision of the human form. PB
SK Josefsberg Studio, 403 NW 11th Ave, 241-9112, 5:30-7:30, Free