THURSDAY, October 24

CABARET--While there are many who insist "life is a cabaret," I kinda think that's bunk. But I do agree that cabarets are really fun! See for yourself at the Cabaret Allumage, a fast and furious melange of hotsy-saucy dancing, swoony crooning, flippy acrobatics... and even a unicycle-y unicycle. It's just like 1930s Paris! (Except without the annoying Nazis goose-stepping around.) WSH

Lola's Room at the Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 224-4400, 9 pm, $11

PLAY--It's hard to believe that Edward Albee's disquieting riff on crazy people, The Zoo Story, was written over 40 years ago. The story, about a desperate loner who arbitrarily decides to pick on an innocent bystander, is as relevant today as it ever was, and will continue to be relevant as long as snipers continue to arbitrarily shoot people, and religious fundamentalists continue to arbitrarily mass-murder people. It's also funny as hell. JWS

Profile Theatre at Theater! Theatre! 3430 SE Belmont, 242-0080, 8 pm, $12-$25

FRIDAY, October 25

BIKE-IN--Furiously pedaling away from pepper-spray-wielding cops sure works up an appetite! Satisfy the hunger at the post-Critical Mass Bike-In for Police Accountability. It's a fundraiser for the Police Accountability Campaign, featuring beer, a pasta dinner, bike movies, bands, and... beer! Food + beer + good cause + chance to score with hottie bike messengers = Be there! AB

Liberty Hall, 311 N Ivy, 287-2255, 9 pm, $5-$10 donation

ELECTROCLASH TOUR--You know that old saying, "No Parking on the Dance Floor"? Well, yeah--we mean it. Not parking is so much easier, though, when the sexxxy beats of Peaches and Panther, and conceptual fun of Chicks on Speed and Tracy + the Plastics, are exploding all around you. Be the superstar in your own booty-shimmyin' movie. JS

W/Larry Tee, W.I.T.; Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 281-4215, 9 pm, $16 advance, $18 doors, tix available at the Blackbird, Hollywood, or, all ages

SATURDAY, October 26

METAL--The word might gross you out... Engorged. Ex.: Steve's penis is engorged with blood; Justin's boil is engorged with pus; or perhaps you could think of something a little nicer, like Engorged is engorged with metal virtuosity. Yes, it's true. Their metal is tight and super-fast (think early, drivey Metallica), with scratchy hardcore vocals that will engorge your brain with violence. Be careful, my friends. KS w/Bung, Lord Gore, The Golers; Satyricon, 125 NW 6th, 243-2380, 9 pm

ELECTRONIC--Even though the name is sort of nerdy D&D sounding, don't go thinking that Hallowed be thy Ninja will be anything but assloads of fun. With a healthy lineup of smarty electronic artists, including the spooky splices and skips of Prefuse 73 and the crashing atmospherics of Amon Tobin, plus food, elixirs, and the mod/surreal atmosphere of the B Complex; you'll be in heaven. KS

B Complex, 320 SE 2nd, 224-TIXX, 9 pm, $15

PIRATES--Yaargh! Like you need an excuse to wear stripey shirts! Butcha might as well for Pirate Jenny's Halloween Party. Oh, you don't already know? Their pirate-themed rock pioneered the about-to-blow "pirate core" scene that's been rumbling the ports of P-town for years. MS

Blackbird, 3728 NE Sandy, 282-9949, 9 pm, $8

SUNDAY, October 27

HIPHOP FORUM--Ever stroll through the cluster of clubs downtown and wonder why it's all about the gee-tar? Where's all the hiphop? You like hiphop, don't you? Perhaps if you go to the HipHop & Black Music Forum, you'd get to see more of it live. MS

PSU (Smith Memorial Center, room 236), 1825 SW Broadway, 5-8 pm, free

MONDAY, October 28

\SHIT MAGNET--Or: the irascible, hateful, raging, repellent, violent, hilarious new book by the reviled, despised, misunderstood, fanatically admired Jim Goad, also known as the editor of that bastion of Portland academia, Exotic Magazine. Shit Magnet is a memoir written entirely behind bars, after Goad was arrested in the wake of a violent incident with his girlfriend. Goad's reading promises to be, at the very least, worth watching. JWS

Dante's, 1 SW 3rd, 226-6630, 7 pm, FREE

TUESDAY, October 29

FILM--Laff-a-minute leftie director and social satirist Michael Moore trots out his latest political documentary, Bowling for Columbine, about firearms abuse in America. Moore explores the Columbine high school security tapes, while bugging the shit out of NRA prez Charlton Heston. And while Moore probably makes some good points, let's hope he doesn't forget it's the First Amendment that allows him to trash the Second. WSH

Regal Fox Theater, 846 SW Park Ave, 225-5555, ext. 4604, See page 47 for showtimes, $7.75

WEDNESDAY, October 30

HELLA FRESH FEST II--Lady Ms. Deena Barnwell, hiphop DJ of KBOO and otherwise, puts on this show called Hella Fresh Fest, which is better than fresher than fresh--an off-the-chain nosedive into rad hiphop, including Sick Medicks, Fantastic Four, and Oldominion! JS

W/Nik Fury, Mr. Marquez, The Lab, Full Moon; Berbati's, 231 SW Ankeny, 248-4579, 9 pm, $10

MUSIC--My Dad had Dylan, my brother Westerberg, so years ago I set my sights on Ryan Adams as my generation's songwriting hero. The cherub-faced former frontman of Whiskeytown had enough talent to justify the faux-messy hair and monstrous ego--in fact, it kind of made him better. Nowadays, when he performs with a full band, it's like watching the Goo Goo Dolls go country, but while playing solo the guy drops all the VH1 bullshit and glows with enough skill and charm to rob you of your precious sight. CM

Roseland, 8 NW 6th, 224-2038, 8 pm, $20