THURSDAY, February 27

SMART GUY--The ideas of author Will Self bubble over like a test tube in a mad scientist's lab. His latest novel, Dorian, reworks Oscar Wilde's classic The Picture of Dorian Grey into a contemporary love story set against an '80s backdrop of AIDS and Princess Di. Very peculiar. Very brilliant. PB
Powell's, 1005 W Burnside, 228-4651, 7:30 pm, free

FASHION/FISH STICKS--Like "fashion"? Like "fish sticks"? Then you'll love the Red Light Spring Fashion Show! Sexy and fashionably smart models will traipse down the runway showing off what's hot in the world of Springtime haute couture. Plus! What would a fashion show be without a fish stick eating contest, prizes, and plenty of cheap red wine? I don't know the answer to that!! WSH
Red Light, 3590 SE Hawthorne, 963-8888, 6-8pm, free

FRIDAY, February 28

TRIBUTE--God save Joe Strummer! While other punk bands have been all noise, The Clash were high-minded proto-rebels, grabbing the world by the lapels to shake us out of sleepwalking complacency. Tonight a tribute to the recently departed Joe Strummer and to the world's greatest band EVER. PB
With covers by 800 Octane, Chased & Smashed, All Out, more; Satyricon, 125 NW 6th, 243-2380, 9 pm, $5

BIKING AND BINGO--What do bikes have to do with bingo? Well, for starters, both start with "B" and both are fun. Isn't that enough? Know what else starts with "B"? That's right: beer! Tonight the take-no-shit bike mechanics at North Portland BikeWorks host a rousing night of bingo and beer to raise money for their neighborhood shop and their outreach programs. PB
Portland Bike Works, 3951 N Mississippi, 287-1098, 8-11 pm, 50 cents per bingo card


NERD ALERT--While the rest of the music world is losing their shit over bands from both Norway AND Sweden, music nerds like myself are basking in the wonder that is The Thermals and Death Cab for Cutie. The Thermals bring Pixie-stick induced spazzed-out fuzz pop, while DCFC provides the well-written pop hooks, impeccable production and a professional live show that shall not be missed. Tonight, uncool is finally cool. CM
Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 224-4400, 9pm, $14

DEPRESSED LOSER--Yes, Lou Barlow certainly is one, but isn't that kind of why we love him? Whether he's mixing his lo-fi ballads in with Jason Lowenstein's thrash rock in Sebadoh, or funkifying things a bit (as he is tonight) with Folk Implosion, Barlow always knows how to make us feel sorry for him, and for ourselves... JWS
w/Mia Doi Todd, alaska!; Dante's, 1 SW 3rd, 226-6630, 9:30 pm, $10

SUNDAY, March 2

MUSIC--I used to think The Locust steez was to harm and incite, but the more I think about their aggressive, shrieking, three-minute keyboard spazz-outs, the more I believe their primary objective is hilarity. Don't miss this super-fun, aggro laff riot! JS
w/Get Hustle, Moving Units, Fast Forward; Nocturnal, 1800 E Burnside, 239-5900, 8 pm, $9, all ages

MUSIC--Now is the time for punks to be political. So why aren't they? I mean, it's sexy! Look at Ted Leo/Pharmacists. They manage to be charming, articulate, rock like the cuter reincarnation of Elvis Costello/The Clash, AND maintain BIG BACKBONES to speak out against the shit that's so clearly wack, i.e. THE WAR NOBODY WANTS. Oh, Ted Leo... sigh. JS See Music pg 16
w/Other Men My Age, Hint Hint; Blackbird, 3728 NE Sandy, 282-9949, 9:30 pm, $8

MONDAY, March 3

HARDCORE--Milemarker combines the technological and the gutteral to produce some really fantastic live music. Heavy guitars, confrontational hardcore sing screaming, keyboards, and even live fire shows. What more can you ask for... Free drinks? A date? Sorry, I can't help you. KS
w/Blood Brothers, The Intima; Blackbird, 3728 NE Sandy, 282-9949, 10 pm, $8

COOL BAND--Screw emo-math-punk-electroclash-prog! Really cool music blows from the Southwest, like tumbleweeds on a summer day. Calexico knows this and have taken it to heart. They play gorgeous, dramatic, swelling, passionate music filled with horns, maracas, and slide guitars. They'll make your whole life feel like one big spaghetti western. JWS
Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie, 233-1994, 8 pm, $15

TUESDAY, March 4

MARDI GRAS--Clearly, something's wrong with a world where the Cherry Poppin' Daddies get a bigger stage than the great band Pere Ubu (one of the few '70s art-punk acts whose newer releases don't sound entirely removed from current music). Alas, while the Daddies ham up young swingsters in the Crystal, Pere Ubu will simultaneously delight a smaller audience in Lola's Room. Happy Mardi Gras, Pere Ubu. JS
Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 8 pm, 224-4400, $20 ($10 for Lola's entry only)


WAR--So, we're on the fast track to hell. It's not like it's the first time. Regrettable Incident, Please! is a film montage of propaganda cartoons from the golden days of WWII, including the most racist cartoon ever made, Tokio Jokio, Dr. Seuss' bastard side, and clips so shameful they can't be publicized. The horrors! MS
Clinton St. Theater, 2522 SE Clinton, 238-8899, 7 & 9 pm, $6