THURSDAY, September 4

speed dating--Let's face it: Within the first eight minutes of meeting someone, checking him out head-to-toe, and taking a peek at his package, you just... know! Why waste any more time? Tonight hop into eight back-to-back, eight-minute, one-on-one gay dates. Gay men 25-45 years old only. PB
Molly's Loft, 2236 SE Belmont, 522-2689 or 8minutedating.com, 6:45 pm, $28.88 to participate

MUSIC--There are a million reasons to adore hiphop heavyweights Blackalicious (one of them being their instant-classic love-vibe track, "Make You Feel That Way"). There are another million reasons to love Mystic (including her instant-classic love-vibe track, "Neptune's Jewels"). Add Onry Ozzborn, Boom Bap Project, and Siren's Echo, and you're swimming in hit parade, non? JS
Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 224-TIXX, 9 pm, $20

FRIDAY, September 5

CULT CLASSIC--Devout Christian fundamentalism has never been addressed quite so profoundly as in Michael Tokin's The Rapture (1991), a film that doesn't criticize the idea of the apocalypse, but rather depicts it with frightening literalism. It's the end of the world as we know it... and you won't feel fine. JWS
Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton, 238-8899, 7 & 9:10 pm, $6

PUNK--Remember the days when something mattered to punk rockers? Something besides 40-ouncers and cigarettes, that is. When punk meant challenging authority and dissecting hot button issues in our F'd up society. Well get ready to cheer, because El Politico Punkiko has revived itself. Mea Culpa displays the kind of punk posturing you can respect. KS
Twilight, 1420 SE Powell, 236-7668, 9 pm, free

SATURDAY, September 6

MUSIC--With her deep, canyon-esque rasp, Carla Bozulich's performance of Willie Nelson's near-perfect record, Red Headed Stranger, is utterly transfixing. Her longtime compatriot, guitar god Nels Cline, adds ambiance--and rippin' lap steel solos. JS
Jackpot, 203 SW 9th, 222-0900, 3 pm, free; Dante's, 1 SW 3rd Ave, 226-6630, 7 pm

SOAPY JOBS--It's the time of year when all the women get together to flaunt their hand job skills and clean their dirty placesÉ On their cars, of course. The Five Dollar Soapy Hand Job car show/wash is an excellent excuse to ogle hot chicks in hot cars without getting popped in a fit of road rage. MS
Oaks Park, foot of SE Spokane, 2 pm, $5

SUNDAY, September 7

SAUSAGE FEST--What sausage festival is complete without Roy Orbison and Elvis impersonators? This weekend, Vancouver sponsors a weenie roast complete with more than 1000 square feet of grills filled with sizzling, plump sausages--from gut-busting greasy links to the refined yuppie feta and pine nut-stuffed poseurs. PB
St. Joseph's School, 6500 Highland (Andreseen Road exit from Route 14), Vancouver, (360) 693-4050,1-9 pm, $7

MUSIC--Who doesn't love a little Josie & the Pussycats-style pop punk from Columbus, Ohio? And who doesn't love a frontwoman who looks like every man's masturbatory fantasy, Gwen Stefani? And who doesn't want to get their ass down to the new "hip" place--the Twilight--and see Manda and the Marbles? Put your shoes on already. KS
w/Cootie Platoon, Ms. 45; Twilight, 1420 SE Powell, 236-7668, 9 pm, FREE

MONDAY, September 8

DANCE PARTY--You heard it here first, folks: Ringler's is the banging place to dance. No, I'm not messing with you, it's true. I had trouble believing it myself, but the Mercury appointed master of cool, local dance enthusiast Dave H., let us in on this startling fact. And he even claims that after the bar closes down, dedicated dancers head over to a nearby parking lot to shake it late night. Startling, but true. KS
w/DJ Mello-Cee; Ringler's, 1332 W Burnside, 225-0627, 10 pm, free

TUESDAY, September 9

ART--The World Wide Web, racism, and comic books; these are the topics of Damali Ayo's brand new conceptual art installation, Playback. The provocative artist's hodgepodge of digital prints, a website, projected images, and interactive life-size comic-like displays was inspired by the realization that "racism is alive and well, and having a grand ole time on the internet." JWS
Mark Woolley Gallery, 120 NW Ninth #210, 224-5475, through September 27

WEDNESDAY, September 10

HOP--I would say HIPhop, except that Ugly Duckling is as far from hip as it gets. Steadfastly against typical gangster rap violence and machismo, the Los Angeles trio raps about everything from getting high on helium, to tattling for using bad language. "Try a preposition, pronoun, or an adverb/'cause you haven't said a thing; just a bad word," they chant on "Potty Mouth." Totally dorky. Totally fun. JWS
w/Libretto; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 239-7639, 9 pm, $8 advance, $10 door

BOWLING FOR BANDS--Rock shows and bowling: both loud and good with beer. So let's just hybridize them. Et voila! We got a huge rock venue! With beer! And tonight features a "surprise celebrity appearance." Who the hell could that be? MS
w/Diamond Tuck and the Privates & DJ Maximillion; Grand Central Bowl, 808 SE Morrison, 9 pm, $5 boys/$4 girls, all ages