THURSDAY, December 18

POH-HOP 8--It's the Critical Mass of Portland hiphop, in its eighth year. Poh-Hop--the two-day festival showcasing some of the finest in local rhymesayers and beat slayers-- kicks off tonight with the Women in Hiphop showcase, starring city faves like Siren's Echo, Piece, Turiya, Kay Kay, DJ Deena B, and many more! Show up on Friday, too, for the Men in Hiphop showcase, including such luminaries as Sleep, Maniak Lok, Brotha Luv, and Trashheap. JS See Music pg 17
Ash Street, 225 SW Ash, 226-0430, 8 pm, $8

PUNK--The Distillers will come blazing in with a "fuck you" here and a "fuck you" there, leaving little but a dust cloud of razor blades and leather bustiers to settle behind them. It may be just a show, but it's a fun, hot one to watch. MS
w/The Bronx, Lot Six; Aladdin, 3017 SE Milwaukie, 233-1994, 8 pm, $12

FRIDAY, December 19

IT'S A DRAG!--Those delicious girl/guys (or is it guy/girls?) of DK PDX are at it again with another drag king spectacularÉ and this one's just in time for the holidays! See cowboy fags, a very naughty Mrs. Claus, and (whoopee!) an all-drag version of New Kids on the Block at the DK PDX Holiday show. Plus cutey-patootie queer DJs spinning till two. WSH
Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 239-7639, 9 pm, $5 sliding scale

GARAGE--The Detroit Cobras already have a knack for doing up vintage R&B and Motown numbers with Detroit rock sleaze. Add singer Rachel Nagy's deeply whiskeyed voice and tendency to proposition the audience, and you've got yourself quite a handful. MS
w/Fireballs Of Freedom, Fist City; Ash St, 225 SW Ash, 226-0430, 9:30 pm, $10

SATURDAY, December 20

BIKE & SING--Christmas caroling on its own is a wonderful way to bring that Yuletide spirit and jingle-la-la-ling to your neighbors' doorstep. Now add a Critical Mass-styled bike ride to that tra-la-la and you've REALLY got something! An eight-mile-round trip that includes Pioneer Square, Peacock Lane, and the Christmas ships! Why didn't someone think of this sooner? PB
Starts at Lucky Lab, 915 SE Hawthorne, for more info, 4 pm, free

PUNK--The Spits often wear bizarre costumes and dub themselves things like "The Lords of Atlantis." Their real talent though, is blazing through one perfect punk nugget after the next, delivered with a subtext of the Ramones channeling the Mentors. LC
w/Triggers, Straitjacket; Twilight, 1420 SE Powell, 236-7668, FREE

CHRISTMAS 'N' CHOREOGRAPHY--Not satisfied with the shimmery, glittery, or "simply over the top" evening wear, Bianca's Winter White Ball also comes equipped with heavyweights of fun: Luis Dias, DJ Levi & Leonetti, Drake, and new hiphop choreography by Charmaine and the Sexy Krew! JS
Level, 13 NW 6th, 228-8888, 10 pm, $10

SUNDAY, December 21

FUNNY ADS--The annual collection of British Advertising Awards shows off a few dozen of the smartest, funniest, most offensive ads from the country that created Marmite and Wheat-A-Bix. It really is more than the accents; this is laugh-'til-you-cry entertainment. PB
Whitsell Auditorium, 1219 SW Park, 221-1156, 4 & 7 pm, $7

TUESDAY, December 23

FILM--There is no better Christmas movie than A Christmas Story, the tale of Ralphie, his toy gun, a mean bully, getting one's tongue stuck to a flagpole, snow, a leg lamp, a dad, some dogs, and of course, Christmas. A beautiful family adventure that will become even better with a nip out of the old Chartreuse bottle--the perfect liquor for the holiday season. KS
Followed by Scrooged, Bar XV, 15 SW 2nd, 9 pm, free

WEDNESDAY, December 24

SANTY CLAUS IS COMING!--Santy Claus is coming! Santy Claus is coming! Oh, BOY! And he's gonna bring us toys, and he's fat, and he's gonna fly through the air with all his reindeer! But I hope he doesn't bring Jimmy Henderson anything, because he stuck the arm of my coat in the toilet. I hate him so much. But I LOVE Santy Claus! Come quick, Santy Claus! You're my favorite person in the whole world! PM
Santy Claus is Coming, Your House, Midnight or thereabouts, Free Gifts (if not naughty)