THURSDAY, February 19

GALL BALL--It's time for rockers to stand up and be counted! Our good friend and music critic John Chandler (formerly of The Rocket) is in desperate need of gall bladder surgery, but lacks the necessary insurance to pay for the job. Help a brother out by attending tonight's benefit performance featuring The Minders, Punk Group, Clampitt, Gaddis & Buck, The Hazmats, and Cute Don't Cut It! ROCK!! WSH
Dante's, 1 SW 3rd, 9 pm, $6

GET DIRTY--My apologies to the more prudish members of our readership, but sometimes one must get dirty-ass nasty on the dancefloor. Work out your frustrations from the week with some booty-grinding electro sexification courtesy of DJs Brokenwindow, Suppoz, and theperfectcyn, going down at Holocene's sensual dance night, DIRTY. Wear something you don't mind getting "juicy" in. WSH
Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 239-7639, 9:30 pm, $3

FRIDAY, February 20

MUSIC--What if Cookie Monster gargled glass and worshipped Satan? Even though their vocalist "Corpse Grinder" isn't as wicked-cool as his predecessor, Scott Barnes, Cannibal Corpse's death metal is still totally righteous. Get there early and experience the grinding gore metal of Exhumed. KS
w/Hipocrisy, Vile; Roseland, NW 6th & Burnside, 1-800-325-SEAT, 8 pm, $16.50

MUSIC--What's the sound of 250 white boys weeping? Emote with style tonight, when some of the best in sensitive guitar-rock serenade your heart and head: the layered-harmonied The Velvet Teen, the softly-yet-turbulent Statistics and, coming a little tougher on the uptake, Crosstide and Engine Down. JS
Nocturnal, 1800 E Burnside, 1-800-325-SEAT, 7 pm, $8

SATURDAY, February 21

MUSIC--Whoa. Not only do you get to see indierock legends, Built to Spill, put on a fabulous live show, you get some torch songs with Denali, and some Clash-inspired reggae-tinged dance pop with Portland's newest band, Ape Shape. If you see the Sunday show, substitute Denali with Black Heart Procession! KS
Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 225-5555 ex. 8811, $15-17

MUSIC--The no-cover, CD release party for Pure Tone Audiotonomy 2 features local producers like DJ Copy, dr.ill, Jammotron and Litost putting beats in your mouth like you haven't eaten for days. And what kinda fool passes up a free meal? JS See Music pg 16
Tiger Bar, 317 NW Broadway, 222-7297, 9 pm, free

HONKY TONK--Pardner, nothin' heals the heart like Honky Tonk, and tonight we mean that literally at Bleeding Hearts for Broken Hearts, a benefit to raise money for the Max Baer Heart Fund. It'll be a whole mess a broken-hearted ditties from your favorite local honky tonkers like Lisa and Her Kin, Shawn Hawkins, and more, plus raffle prizes and DJ Murphy. JWS
Eagle's Lodge, 4904 SE Hawthorne, 8 pm, $7

SUNDAY, February 22

BOOGIE NIGHTS--As if the girls at need any more encouragement to be outrageous and over-the-top! Tonight they plan to outdo themselves, celebrating their fourth anniversary with an all-sparkle, all hotpants Studio 54 disco party. Disco DJs and readings from the just-released Up All Night: Real Adventures in Lesbian Sex, with live actors playing out the stories! SIZZLE. PB
Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 7 pm-1 am, $3 w/disco wear, $5 w/o

MONDAY, February 23

FUNNY GIRL!--If you haven't seen Funny Girl, AKA the fourth best American film of 1968, YOU ARE CLEARLY FREEBASING. Barbra Streisand rips it up in her first filmic performance as Ziegfield girl Fanny Brice, and HOT Omar Sharif plays her husband. The chemistry is thick, but the SHOWTUNES are UNFORGETTABLE! JS
Hollywood Theater, 4122 NE Sandy, 7:20 & 9:20, $3

CRIME STORIES--Laurie Lynn Drummond's book Anything You Say Can and Will Be Used Against You is more than just ripped from the headlines. The stories are torn from her own life, as a police officer for eight years. The results are rawhide tough and poignantly sincere. PB
Powell's on Hawthorne, 3723 SE Hawthorne, 7:30 pm, free

TUESDAY, February 24

MUSIC FLICK--Dirty Old Town, a documentary about troubadour Ted Leo, is the indie equivalent of Madonna's Truth or Dare documentary. Watch a half-naked Leo try on his bullet-bra, hang with Sandra Bernhard and simulate oral sex with his gay backup dancers. Later on, a candid Leo admits that Sean Penn was the true love of his life. EAC
Hollywood Theater, 4122 NE Sandy, 9 pm, FREE!

WEDNESDAY, February 25

MUSIC--Pushed forth by Nikki Colk's quivering yelps, Kaito UK zips through their candied noise pop with the spry charm of latest T-Blazer Dan Dickau: they're little, wound tight, and their boundless energy renders them a little sloppy--but that's what exactly you like about 'em! JS
Berbati's, 231 SW Ankeny, 248-4579, 9:30 pm, $10