Ninja Gaiden

created by Tecmo

for the Xbox

No, no--fuck YOU, Ninja Gaiden! I was going to be like "It's not you, it's me," but you know what? It is you. You're the goddamn reason I fucking hate my life.

Oh, you're pretty, all right. All my friends are all "Ooh, that's a nice-lookin' game, Erik. Nice work." But they don't know you like I do--inside, you've got a heart as cold and rotten as week-old vomit. You're not just difficult, Ninja Gaiden, you're fucking impossible. "High maintenance" doesn't even start to describe you--and you didn't even fucking warn me. You just showed up in my life, and decided to take it over. You were all smiling and coy, like "Hey, you get to be a ninja in this game! C'mon. It'll be fun! No strings!" And I fucking bought it--hook, line, and sinker. I'm so goddamn stupid!

You know the last time I had a free moment, Ninja Gaiden? Hmm... let's see... Oh--about five minutes before I met you! And from what I remember, it was pretty nice--you know, not sitting in front of the TV for eight hours every night; not getting so frustrated that I almost smash my controller to pieces every five goddamn minutes; not staying up until my eyes are bloodshot; not hating myself the next morning...

One more thing--you're a big fucking tease! Would it kill you to give a little something back every once in a while, or am I the only one who has to work in this relationship? Oh, you want details? Fine. I'll give you some goddamn details. How about that one level? Don't play stupid--you know the one I mean. The one where you make me fight like 50 soldiers, then you make me fight a fucking tank, and then once I beat the tank and I have like no life left, you throw another goddamn tank at me? Then, on the 1000th try, when I finally fucking beat both tanks, and I'm all "Thank Christ! I finally fucking beat both tanks!" you're like "Oh yeah? Well hows abouts a helicopter?!" How's that for a motherfucking detail, Ninja Gaiden? You know what? That's it. I give up, Ninja Gaiden. We're fucking over. ERIK HENRIKSEN