Haven't you always wanted someone to carve a bust of you... In cheese? I know I sure as hell have! Imagine my luck when I received a press release yesterday from Sarah Kaufmann Sculptures. The heading on the press release read, "A Sensational Holiday Gift:Custom Cheese Carvings."

Kaufmann, known as “The Cheese Lady,” is a professional carver who creates custom cheese sculptures. Her cheese carvings are unique, entertaining and memorable -- important attributes of the perfect holiday gift.

I was a bit confused because the only holiday in the near future is Fourth of July. For some reason, carving an American flag into a 30 pound block of Vermont cheddar and leaving it to ripen in the July sun while friends and family proceed to get wasted, just doesn't sound appealing to me. Because you know that Uncle Herb is going to have his whole face jammed into that block of cheddar by the end of the night. Just imagine him there, burbling, drunk, neck deep in semi soft cheese while the little kids circle him, waving sparklers and singing God Bless America.

So maybe it's not for me. But Rosie O'Donnell seemed to like it, She commissioned a carving that included her face among the patriots on Mt. Rushmore.

Rosie: Literally Cheesy

I seriously wonder if anyone digs in to these cheese sculptures or if they are purely aesthetic. I can't imagine someone happily munching the cheddar saying,"Hey! Hey look! I'm eating Rosie O'Donnell." Ewwwww.

Oh! Oh! And here's another "ewwww" inducing food item! It's a new malt liquor called Hard Creamer.

I will punch these people in the face

I'm sure that there have been tons of confused porn surfers who have stumbled onto HardCreamer.com only to be disappointed at the lack of any hard creaming.

But there is this somewhat salacious quote:

Hard Creamers are so easy to drink, it's always easy to enjoy another.

Basically these are alcoholic cream sodas. The flavors so far are orange and strawberry. You know those teenage girls that went in on the pregnancy pact? I bet Hard Creamers had something to do with it. Call it kinder-hol or alco-pop or whatever. If I ever see an adult drinking this shit, I will punch them in the face. Or at least think really hard about punching them in the face.