Financial Meltdown Avoided! The DOW jumps 400 points after the federal government bails out banks with $86 billion dollars (a tactic it criticizes foreign countries for taking but whatevs). Please pencil in the next financial crisis for late October.

Also $86 billion: The U.S.'s entire annual spending on its "piecemeal, rickety financial aid system" for college students.

Rich With Irony: As the world's stocks spiral toward doom, Forbes releases its Top 400 Rich People List.

Monks With Guns: For years, Buddhist monks in Burma have resisted the tyrannical government nonviolently. Now they're fed up and stockpiling machine guns.

North Korea Doesn't Care About Us: They say they're restarting their nuclear reactors and don't even mind anymore being on our terrorist blacklist.

Feds Pass Gas: The controversial and environmentally-harmful natural gas site at Bradwood Landing, that is.

Not a Joke: Spunky woman tries to sells "Eco-Luxury Possum Fur" in Portland.