If you are feeling antsy about getting this Halloween thing started (especially if you are one of those people who takes Halloween as a license to dress really, mmm, tartily), here's what I think: I think you need to go to XXX at the Mansion this Saturday night at 2242 SE 9th (at Division). It's a triple X-rated haunted house! What could you possibly have to do on Saturday night that is more important than that! It is going to feature "performances," a tattoo raffle, "gore-gore dancers," and according to a quote listed on the pdxpipeline listing it's "the kinkiest sickest adult haunted house real zombies and whores of the devil!!!" and if that description does not sell you I don't know what will. Plus, one of the performers is the punkiest of Portland's punky strippers, Malice, who promises she "will be doing my most vile performance(s) ever!"

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I'm scared.