I know the only reason you're reading this is so you don't have to stare at your office mate, Karl, who uses Halloween as the yearly excuse to dress like his mother (and who knew Karl's mother was so into leather?). So, let's try to make it worth your while.

Tips for Boozing on Halloween

The Costume

This might be a bit late for those of you who've already bought the fake tumor for their McCain costume, but for the procrastinators out there, let me offer this advice:

Don't wear anything that hinders the delivery of booze into your mouth. This applies mostly to masks, of course, and is especially true if the mask is what makes your costume. Eventually, you'll tire of breathing your own moist face stench and want to take the thing off. This will likely happen after you've already, unsuccessfully, tried to sip a plastic cup of PBR through that rubber mouth slit. Big mistake. Next thing you know, you're wandering around with mask in hand, explaining to everyone that, no, you really did mean to dress as only 3/4ths of a gorilla.

The same rule applies to costumes that require you to carry something. Sooner or later the pitchfork (or staff, or sword or whatever hell else you decided would round out your devil/Merlin/pirate costume) will be abandoned as you begin to double fist Jager shots.

If you're wearing something that shows skin, expect to be oogled, pinched, macked-on, or have your sexuality questioned. Of course, all of this is less painful with some tequila shots coursing through your blood. Tequila shot bonus: slutty costume becomes more authentic as the slut in you is freed by the sweet sweet song of booze.

The better idea is to wear a costume that is enhanced by over-consumption. That Jimi Hendrix costume will have just the right oomph once you've passed out and vomited. And you really can't go wrong dressing like a bum. Whatever happens in the course of your debauchery, it will only add to the overall authenticity of your costume.

The Parties

Halloween parties are possibly the most dangerous and amazing parties in the United States. But, you need some guidelines to help you steer through the unbridled sexuality and free flowing drink. I'll offer my own:

Never, ever, go to a vampire themed party. They will generally have nothing stronger than wine and will be populated by dour, slow-speaking, adults. The chance that you may be "bitten" by a sexually charged geek is high. If that's your thing, then bully for you, but I find vampire parties psychologically traumatic for some reason.

Halloween is time for adventurous drinking. Try anything and everything. Blood and guts punch? Why yes, thank you! Brain juice surprise? I thought you'd never ask! These concoctions will get the job done. They may taste horrid, but you can kill that flavor with candy corn. Besides, when you wake up in the morning, the memory of the disgusting elixir will be erased by the hang-over it produced. Hey, welcome to November! Enjoy your stay!

All that said: Please don't drink anything that has dry ice in it!

Costume parties are the easiest parties to crash. Your pass line this year will be, "I'm with Sarah Palin." If you are further questioned, claim that you cannot answer anymore questions because you're not just a bum, but a mute bum, and saying anything else would ruin your costume.

Try not to sleep with anyone. Please believe me. Elvira (or Mr. Sexy Spaceman) might look hot after a couple of pumpkin pounders, but waking up with them on Saturday—the bald gray light of mid-morning peeking through your window—will usually reveal the true horror of Halloween.

That's all I can think of right now. Whaddya think, Blogtownies. Do you have any rules for Halloween boozing? Post 'em in the comments section.

Oh, and BOO!