Thanks be to God, it's finally here. Only three Xanax left, let's see, one at noon, then two for 8pm...all that's required is a professional sense of duty throughout the day. No getting carried away...

KARL ROVE PREDICTS OBAMA BLOWOUT!!! Also, he can suck it. Did I mention, Karl Rove can suck it? Good.

BAD TIMING!!! The GOP has filed a complaint against the Obama campaign, claiming he used campaign funds to buy $150,000 of clothes...oh, I'm sorry...visit his dying grandmother. Also, the GOP can suck it. Did I mention the GOP can suck it? Good.

WHO CARES!!! A second report, contradicting the first, says Sarah Palin did NOT violate state ethics rules when she pushed for the firing of some bloke nobody will care about after today because Sarah Palin will be a distant memory we can all shit on. Ha ha ha. Suck it! Suck it Sarah Palin!!! Ha ha ha!!!

"BROTHERS NEED TO PULL UP THEIR PANTS!!!' Obama's advice to African American youth on MTV. There'll be no sucking of anything when Obama is mentioned around here. Actually, maybe I'll suck on my fingers. Mmmmm.

AMERICA'S BLACK LEADERS ARE EXCITED!!! The Independent tracks them down...Toni Morrison is writing a new book called "BELOVED SAYS GO SUCK IT," apparently.

ART!!! Artists build a huge ark in New Orleans' ninth ward as part of its new biennial. Suck on that, FEMA. And suck it up, Barbara Bush.

PORTLAND STREET TO BE NAMED AFTER OBAMA!!! The movement starts here, now, people. And guess what? It's gonna be STRAIGHT THROUGH THE RACIST DISTRICT. Suck on that, racists.

Now, go vote!

Good day.