Only outlaws will have bake sales. And the way it's looking down in California, you might want to be on the lookout for little bandit's brandishing brownies (thank you).

An article published in yesterday's New York Times exposes the cruel nature of the nations changing nutrition laws. In order to keep kids from getting pudgy, school districts across the nation are limiting the amount of fat, trans-fat, calories, frosting, happiness, pleasant memories, salt and anything nummy that can be sold to children in schools.

This is all well and good—after all, we can't let the kids go outside and burn off calories what with all of those slobbering sex-offenders lurking in every dark shadow—but what happens when you want to sell some baked goods to finance your sporting team? You hold your bake sale off school grounds and participate in a humiliating act of promotion:

Tommy Cornelius and the other members of the Piedmont High School boys water polo team never expected to find themselves running through school in their Speedos to promote a bake sale across the street. But times have been tough since the school banned homemade brownies and cupcakes.

Won't anyone think of poor Tommy? Yes, people should be rightly concerned about childhood diabetes and obesity. There's nothing more sad than a fat kid who has only his humor to help him fit in. Still, there's worse things than having to learn the truffle shuffle because you ate one too many cream puffs in an attempt to help the cheer leading squad get better (hopefully more revealing) uniforms.

Maybe the nutrition police are going a bit overboard:

In Chula Vista, Calif., near San Diego, sales plummeted at Hilltop High School's multicultural food fair, an annual fund-raising event for the foreign language and global studies departments that has traditionally featured bratwurst, breadsticks with marinara sauce, apple pie and root beer floats. "This year was really hard," said Jade Wagner, a senior, referring to the half-bratwursts and nondairy diet root beers.


In Guilford, Conn., the school district's health advisory committee has decided that birthday parties belong at home. At A. W. Cox Elementary, birthdays are celebrated with an extra 15 minutes of recess, special pencils or a "birthday book club" with commemorative inserts. "The children have totally refocused," said the principal, Merry Leventhal. "They're happy to celebrate in these other ways."

Okay, now I'm calling bullshit! Happy Birthday! Here's a special pencil! Nope, not buying it. I'm all for kids broadening their palates. I think it's a grand idea. Maybe they'll even grow up to be chefs. More power to them. But I think you need to have some moderation with these things, people. For starters, get the little tykes moving!

What's the world coming to.