Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Chicago Bulls. Featuring Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and Rory Sparrow, the Bulls are the premiere team in the NBA. While Portland counters with Clyde Drexler, Terry Porter, and the smooth stroke of Lamont Strothers. Oh wait, these notes are 17 years old. My bad.

In reality, Portland is just glad to be home after that suspiciously-called loss last night in Oakland. They are undefeated here at the Rose Garden, while the Bulls have yet to win a game away from home. Oh, and tonight is nationally televised on ESPN, so for the love of God, comb your damn hair and would it kill you to wear something nice? Just this once?

PRE-GAME
Recently the Blazers have grabbed the Bulls by the horns--Oh, you see that? This is why I am paid the huge buck$$$$ as a professional writer and shit!--and swept the season series last year. Plus they have a bone to pick after last night's stumbling defeat.

This game also features the number-one-pick-on-number-one-pick action of '07s top pick, Greg Oden taking on Derrick Rose, this year's number one. They won't be guarding each other, for Rose's sake, but they will be sharing some court time.

The only bad news is that Kirk Hinrich, the only basketball player with the same emo haircut as yours truly, will not be playing due to injury. Perhaps he strained his bangs? Bummer, I had so many questions to ask him about product.

FIRST QUARTER:
11:05 - Batoooom with the game's first basket, a three pointer from the corner. He's like Martell Webster, but he plays defense. And I bet he loves Amelie, too. 3-0 PDX.

10:05 - That was quick. Chicago calls a timeout after less than two minutes, following Steve Blake's three from the exact same spot as Batum's shot. Magic shooting spot? Sounds like some witchery is going on here. Burn them! 8-1 Portland.

8:18 - Know what Portland needs? A good 'ole fashion ass-whopping of another hapless team. They need to take some lunch money and do that "stop hitting yourself" thing. They need to be bullies. So far so good, they look tough and the Bulls look like a bunch of soft puppies. Cute, but weak. Okay, not even cute. 12-1 Portland.

5:56 - If I was the Bulls, I'd just fire up the bus and go back to the hotel room right now. They can get some room service, have a pillow fight, and maybe order a pay movie with adult situations in it. Because, honestly, right now they aren't having much luck on the court. Batum just had a dramatic put-back dunk and the lead is 20-7 Portland.

4:28 - Oh, and Greg Oden just entered his first regular reason home game as a Blazer. And it took all of 21 seconds before he had a dunk. Wow. 25-9 Blazers. They are going to score 200 points tonight. Two chaulpa coupons for everyone!

2:30 - Joakim Noah gets a technical foul for, well, being Joakim Noah. Meanwhile Tyrus Thomas hacks Channing Frye, not out of an attempt to get the ball, but just out of frustration for being known as that one guy who was traded for LaMarcus Aldridge. The Bulls look sad. 32-13 Portland.

0:00 - Well, that was nice. I'm not sure what the most surprising part of that quarter was, Portland scoring a jaw-dropping 34 points, or the Bulls scoring 13. I'm surprised the Bulls broke the double digit mark. 34-13 Portland.

SECOND QUARTER:
11:35 - Oden's jumpshot just met the hand of Joakim Noah. Swat. Ugh, that was embarrassing. Like losing to your little sister in football, except way worse. 34-13 Blazers.

9:54 - The Bulls decision to ignore offense and just foul the living hell out of the Blazers has really paid off. Barely over two minutes into the quarter and they are now in the penalty. Lots of Portland foul shots to come... 37-15 PDX.

6:51 - Close game or blow out, the only thing that never changes is how Joel Przybilla couldn't get a good call to save his life. Death, taxes, and the whistle going off whenever the Vanilla Gorilla takes the court. I bet he hears the ref's whistle in his dreams. 43-26 Portland.

3:29 - Let's look at the numbers, shall we? We're closing in on the half and Portland has almost TWICE as many points as Chicago. Also, the Blazers first quarter score, 34 points, is six more points than what the Bulls have now. Yikes. Not a good night to be from Chicago. But, hey, how about that Obama fellow? He sure did you proud. You'll always have that. 55-38 Portland.

2:24 - Drew Gooden just tried to knock over Aldridge, but instead he tumbled over as LaMarcus (wisely) ducked. The Bulls can't even flagrant foul right. 59-30 Portland.

1:27 - Noah has five fouls... in the second quarter. 9 minutes, 5 fouls. That is insane. That blows my mind more than his girly ponytail. 62-32 PDX.

0:00 - The half ends as Travis Outlaw mercifully misses a three-pointer. It would have just been too cruel had that gone in. 62-37 Portland at the half.

THIRD QUARTER:
12:00 - It should be pointed out that Chicago's leading scorer at the halfway point of this game has 4 points, and is Larry Hughes. The same Larry Hughes who has a blog in his honor. Okay, maybe "honor" is not the right word.

10:58 - Is that a basket? Batum dunked it, but the ball, after passing through the top of the cylinder, hits the top of his head and pops out. I think that should have counted. But given the score, it's okay not to complain about this one. If Portland loses by two points, I shall file a written protest to the league. 62-37 Blazers.

6:29 - Uhoh, the lead is down to 21. Panic! 68-47 Blazers.

5:32 - Injury timeout for 'lil Steve Blake who got bonked on his head and his bleeding. Someone will be making a visit to the Pediatrician tomorrow, and if he's good, he gets a sticker. 74-47

4:46 - Przybilla exits the game and preserves his perfect shooting night, 6-for-6. Then again, shooting is easy when all you do is dunk. This coming from the guy who can barely touch the rim. 80-47 Portland.

3:03 - Travis Outlaw just finishes a highlight dunk, while dumping more salt in the Bulls' open wounds. Ouch. 84-48, lookie, the numbers are all backwards.

0:00 - The hits keep coming as Sergio Rodriguez effortlessly flips in a shot at the buzzer. Sure, why not? And once again the Bulls fail to score more than Portland did in the previous quarter. The Blazers had 62 at the half, that's five more than the Bulls have now. At least that number is getting lower. Plus, Blaze misses two dunks (that's two more than Przybilla missed all night--this is my favorite stat ever), which I'll give Chicago credit for. They need all the help they can get. 88-57 Portland.

FOURTH QUARTER:
9:55 - Sergio hits a three, because the Blazers really need all the points they can get right about now. Meanwhile, the Bulls are looking for the super-secret 50 point basket that they hide in the rafters. Make one of those and it's a whole new game. 93-59 Blazers.

8:46 - Oden had not one, not two, but three consecutive blocks. Then he was poked in the eye and the whole crowd collectively groaned. At least it's not his knee. I guess. 95-59 Portland.

7:35 - Countdown to Joakim Noah fouling out. 3... 2... 1... and he's done. Dude is totally going to drink his weight in Appletinis at the Bettie Ford Lounge tonight. 100-59 Portland.

7:11 - Last year the Celtics whupped the Knicks by 45 points, the biggest total of the season. The Blazers have a chance to top that tonight. So, keep shooting those three-pointers, tonight the record books are all yours. 102-59 Blazers.

5:35 - Ike Diogu makes two baskets in a row! Wooo. Come on Raef, get in there. Now is your chance. 106-62 Portland.

3:32 - Batum makes it a 45 point lead. God, that felt so good to type that sentence. 109-64 Portland.

1:29 - Can the Blazers really win this by 60 FREAKING POINTS? That is nuts. They know that the points that rollover to the next game, right? 115-68 Portland.

0:00 - Tonight the stars aligned for Portland. The Blazers did everything right, while the Bulls, um, well at least they showed up on time. Let's hear it for being punctual! Yay Bulls! And YAY for 42 point victories. Wow, 42 points. My head just exploded. Final score: Portland 116, Chicago, a punctual 74 points.