Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Sacramento Kings in a 5-on-5, NBA rules, basketball competition. The gentlemen with the most orbs through the cylinder shall win this sporting contest.

That team will most likely be Portland, seeing how they are one of three remaining undefeated teams at home (the other two rank high on the list of places you never want to visit in America--Utah and Cleveland), and last week, when these teams last tangled, the Blazers notched a 21-point win in Sacramento.

Oh, and also some kid named Oden will be starting tonight as well.

Tonight also is another Blue State versus Red State showdown, as liberal Greg Oden takes on conservative mouth-breather, and Lars Larson guest, Spencer Hawes. The last time these two met in Portland, this happened.

10:19 - Oden with his first dunk, and travel, of the game. Here's to many more easy points and non-calls. 4-3 Portland.

8:41 - Batooom! The wirey French kid who won his way into the starting lineup, and our hearts, comes up big with a hustling rebound while getting fouled. That kids got moxie. 10-5 Portland.

7:13 - Spencer Hawes with the driving layup. Really? Well, three weeks ago tonight Obama was elected president, so yeah, how you like them apples? 14-11 Portland.

5:50 - Oden with a dunk... oh, never mind. The big fellow missed it and the ball ricocheted all the way to mid-court. At least he can miss a dunk with the same power as he makes them. 14-11 Portland.

2:56 - Przybilla has come in for Oden, who was 1-2 on wide open slam dunks. That begs the question, who misses more slam dunks tonight, Oden or Blaze? 18-15 Blazers.

1:53 - Rudy nails a three and then screams into the crowd. Wow, a like that bravado. He needs to pop his collar too. 21-18 Portland.

0:38 - Sergio Rodriguez, after awkwardly clanking a jumper, redeems himself with a pretty layup. So pretty that I'd like to take that shot out to a lovely steak dinner. 27-21 Blazers.

11:34 - Travis Outlaw with a rare pass--it was like a low shot, to another player--to a wide open Channing Frye in the corner for three. Nice way to start off the quarter. 30-21 Portland.

8:58 - Somehow, someway, Sergio delivers the ball (I think he hid it in his shirt, baby bump style) to Przybilla for an easy dunk. See that Oden? Make sure the ball goes all the way through the hoop. 37-29 Blazers.

5:33 - Oden doesn't dunk, or travel, and instead passes out to Brandon Roy for a wide open three-pointer. 40-31 Blazers.

3:37 - Here comes the Kings (again, really?), as Sacramento reels off 6 straight points. That can't be good. 42-37 Portland.

0:46 - Sweet lord. Roy just split about half of Sacramento's roster as he slide his way under the basket for the wild layup. Yet still, this game is way too close. 46-44 Blazers.

0:01 - The Vanilla Gorilla with the dunk, and a nice layup on the defensive end of the court. 'Atta Gorilla! 48-44 Blazers.

11:15 - John Salmons (such a Pacific Northwest name) nails a three in Oden's face. Yikes. The big guy is having a terrible game. I suggest some dunk therapy, or just sitting and letting Przybilla handle it. 48-47 Blazers.

9:58 - Salmons again, this time with a layup while getting fouled. Ladies and gentlemen, the Sacramento Kings are winning this basketball game. 52-48 Kings.

8:25 - Oden missed a dunk. Again. Granted he was fouled, but still. This is getting little ridiculous. 59-53 Kings. Ugh.

7:20 - Portland looks absolutely terrible. Not poor, or mediocre, just flatout awful. They are on the verge of being down double digits to the Kings. That ain't right. 61-53 Sacramento.

5:56 - Well, that helped. Just as Portland was being smothered by the purple wave of Sacramento's defense--which is just plain wrong--they rallied back with a quick five points, including a corner three-pointer from Outlaw. 61-58 Kings.

4:22 - Aldridge with a dunk, but, like most great Blazer plays, it was all Brandon Roy who initiated it with a wrap-around pass around Brad Miller that looked like a hug. Aww. I'm sure Miller did not mind. 66-64 Kings.

2:47- As always, when it counts, Roy carries this team on his back. He just knocked back five straight points, single-handily gave Portland the lead back, ignited the crowd, and saved some cuddly kitten stuck in a tree. A really tall tree. 71-66 Portland.

0:57 - Don't forget Gummo. Steve Blake with a pair of baskets to pad Portland's lead. Remember when Sacramento was winning? Let us never speak of that again. 75-71 Portland.

0:03 - Sergio finds his amigo Rudy Fernandez (who has been quite all night long) under the basket and completely wide open. Naturally, he bobbles the ball and then dribbles it off his foot. Dios mio! 75-71 Portland.

10:22 - Rudy passes the ball over Channing Frye's head, then gives him the universal hand signal for "Dude, WTF?." Also, Portland has spent the first two minutes of this quarter not scoring. 75-73 Portland.

8:43 - It took over three minutes, but Portland finally has a basket, courtesy of Pryzbilla's meaty paws and a huge dunk. 77-73 Blazers.

7:27 - Um. Spencer Hawes just hit his second 3-pointer of the game. God, that stings. Oh, and the Kings have the lead again. 79-77 Sacramento.

6:27 - The GOP baller is all riled up, as Hawes just delivered a monster dunk and the Kings--the Kings--increase their lead to 81-77. Kill me now.

5:10 - The fuck? Hawes for three again? Someone want to put a hand in his mangled face? Anyone? Meanwhile, on the end of the court that does not features Spencer Hawes draining threes all night long, Roy delivers a nice layup while getting smacked around under the basket. 84-81 Kings.

4:51 - Travis Outlaw on the line for two. Travis Outlaw misses both shots. In other news, local blogger slams his head into the press table. Unlike Outlaw, he doesn't miss. 84-81 Kings.

3:36 - As expected, Roy delivers the heroics with a spinning layup to put Portland back on top. Then, after a stop on defense, he splits the defenders which leads to an easy layup by Aldridge. 87-84 Blazers.

2:23 - Roy puts on a dribbling expedition around a hapless Bobby Jackson. It looked like AndOne on the court--I think Roy pulled down Jackson's shorts at one point--and was rightfully fouled for clowning Jackson like that. Unlike everyone else, he makes his free-throws. 89-86 Portland.

0:50 - Portland fails to deliver on offense, but the Kings fair no better and it's Blazers ball with less than a minute to go. I also just witnessed a few people in courtside seats leave. As in leave the game early to beat traffic. I hope it was a medical emergency. 89-88 Portland.

0:40 - Steve Blake owes Beno Udrih a lovely "Thank You" card after getting bailed out when he coughs up the ball. Instead of a turnover, Blake's on the line for a pair of shots. Makes the first. Makes the second. 91-88 Blazers

0:31 - Pryzbilla gets foul number five, which means Oden might return. Although he is currently sitting at the end of the bench alone right now, looking like a sad kid whose ice cream scoop just toppled over. Someone needs a hug. 91-90 Blazers.

0:11 - Uhoh. Outlaw, under heavy pressure and a hand in his face, fails to make the short jumper and now the Kings have the ball, the clock, and a very good chance to win this game. 91-90 Blazers.

0:00 - Somehow poor John Salmons was face to face with the rim and comes up a little short, the ball bounces to Przybilla and the Blazers win the game. Wow. Much like the San Antonio game on Halloween, the Blazers probably should have lost this game. It was not pretty, but Portland will go home with the win. 91-90 Portland.