First, the good news:

BEYONCE CAN ACT!!! Or at least, she can now...


Now, the bad news:

THE GREAT RECESSION!!! It's official. Sorry.

WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! A panel of terror experts says the odds of a biological or nuclear attack in a major city by 2013 are "better than even."

US WARNED INDIA BEFORE TERROR ATTACKS!!! Hold on...didn't we just warn...ourselves?

CAR MAKERS BACK TO BEG CONGRESS!!! Let's hope they leave the private jets at home.

And lastly, and worst of all:

RAMSAYGATE!!! Just what did TV Chef Gordon Ramsay do to piss off the editors at The Sun??!

Get your "slapper" to a "nuthouse." I mean, good day.