The above image is more or less the sort of thing you can expect to see on a regular basis if you watch Stargate SG-1 or Stargate Atlantis, two shows that I tell myself I loathe (they are terrible!) yet I can't stop watching (I'm sorry I said you were terrible, Stargate!). At Powell's last week, I even stooped so low as to buy this—an involuntary, shameful purchase that caused me to run home and immediately start cutting myself (such tiny, tiny cuts!) to regain some small sense of control over a life that's clearly picking up momentum as it tumbles into a downward spiral.

ANYWAY. If you, like me, have been lying awake nights, tossing and turning and wondering who's going to star in the new Stargate series, Stargate Universe, then toss, turn, and wonder no more! From The Hollywood Reporter:

Robert Carlyle has been tapped as the lead in Sci Fi Channel's new series Stargate Universe.

...Described as edgier, darker and younger-skewing than its predecessors, SGU follows a group of soldiers, scientists and civilians left to fend for themselves when forced through a Stargate after their hidden base comes under attack. The survivors, who emerge aboard an ancient ship missing in the far reaches of space, are led by Dr. David Rush (Carlyle), who works to unlock the ship's mysteries and return the group home but also might have ulterior motives....

"Robert Carlyle brings a depth, intelligence and complexity to his roles, which will fit perfectly with the fresh, new reinvention of this franchise," Sci Fi original-programming chief Mark Stern said.

Oh, for fuck's sake. First, Mark Stern is lying, and I think he knows it—Stargate Universe isn't going to be "edgier," "darker," or "fresher." It can't be. It's Stargate, which means it's going to be more people in cheap, goofy costumes running around a bunch of "alien planets" that, for some mysterious reason, all look exactly like Vancouver, British Columbia. Which is, in fact, just fine. Don't try to make this shit dark and edgy, Sci Fi Channel. Battlestar Galactica is dark and edgy. Stargate is... well, Stargate is whatever the fuck that image is at the top of this post.

Second, and all snarkiness toward Stargate aside, the casting of Carlyle seems almost... dare I say... competent? I mean, dude's a good actor, at least. We'll see how this "Dr. David Rush" character works out, but to be honest, I'm going to have a hard time not thinking of him as "Cap'n Begbie." Would you get onto a spaceship with some douchebag named after these guys? Of course not. But would you follow this man into "the far reaches of space"?

Yeah. Me too.