OBAMA VACATION!!! His hotness plays golf, and orders: "two hot dogs, two spam musubi, two passion orange sodas, one Powerade and one coke, for a tab of $17.75.” (Musubi is sushi made with Spam, apparently). But hold it. Stop the press:


That's right, kids. Portland made the New York Times again!

POPE BASHES GAYS!!! Says homosexuality is a "destruction of God's work."

OBAMA SMART TO PICK WARREN!!! I mean, you gotta reduce attendance at the inauguration somehow...

NYT RUNS FAKE FRENCH LETTER!!! (In England, "French Letter" is slang for "condom." I have no idea why).

THIS ISH YOUR PILOT SHPEAKING!!! Drunk Pilot arrested at London's Heathrow.

STRANDED AT THE AIRPORT!!! Thousands stuck thanks to Artageddon '08. Although not this reporter, who is eight minutes from boarding his plane to Newark. On time.

Good day.